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Thoughts

Climb climb the ladder, trying to catch the pace of the flying feather. Grow grow, follow the family roots, how to grow if there's not enough sources to grow independently and be like you.  Is about affordability and not how many commitments I should have. Is about trying to be on the same page with people around me and yet truly unique from the roots. You are at the pace of enjoying time and I am like running in a quick sand desert. None of us, none of you are at our righteous mind to be better, neither is better, neither have bigger heart to accommodate. We just living day by day trying to understand everything happened with a wider mind and bigger soul to accept, forgive and forget. Fluctuating heart broken once or twice will be numb n let go. Friends will advice you what's worth and what isn't worth to shed a tear when ppl may not do or feel the same. Let loose, let go only can ease the heart, mind n soul. So, I smiled.

27

I'm 27, reaching 30, adult. I hope I can confidently intelligently say, "there's nothing to be afraid and just try new things. It's life whether the path seems odd or not making sense now but everything will fall into right place." I'm 27 already, having nude or sexy sensual or erotic photoshoot shouldn't be making a big fuss over it, I'm an adult as long as my mind is clear and aware of what I am doing and I doing it safely, wisely. I hope I can confidently say I have the right to choose who I want to work with or hangout with, who I trust, who I love, who understands and know my self value and worth. I don't simply expose myself either physically or spiritually entirely to anyone unless I am sure I am not just being traded with unworthy wasted purposes. I hope my frans, or anyone who knows me and loved ones can see that. I myself sometimes don't talk about it to loved ones because I know it's going to be hard on them as I can feel the same if my loved ones doing similar things. I know I will feel heartache or jealous or insecure. But at the same time, I understand that we should have mutual understanding, feelings, respect, trust to accept, to build and nurture, to make things work. Age 27 me, I still could be wrong with all these statements I've made in this perpetual perplexing mind propelling to grow in time. Age 27 me, I've learnt there is more than one kind of love. One auntie told me before, "There's no right or wrong in love, when feelings come, you also can't avoid." I only hope there is more loves in the world and less hate.

Appearance.

"why you wear tight/fitting pants?"
"so that you know where my butt is."
Ya, I wear fitting clothes sometimes because I am still young and I worked my body. I think I look fine in fitting clothes to show off the goods. I may not be perfect, but I at least, liking my self in my way. I don't have long legs but I have thin legs to look long. To sound negatively, I will say because I am thin, big clothes will only make me look more thin. To sound delusional, because big hunks always looks like their clothes about to burst or looking very fit in fitting clothes. So, I also want to wear like that and say I got muscle too, just small only HAHAHA. I know my side profile look like thin wood plank.

conservative people will judge people who wear sexy is controlled by society or men because showing off the curves to men. At the same time, people who wear sexy or open mind will judge conservative people is being controlled by society/men because cannot wear what they want, or only can reserved to their own man.

I actually talked about it before, but still will have people ask questions or talk like that because they will never understand.
I had my hair grown long, cut short, dyed. I do sometimes wear sloppy or wear nice or wear what I like. And I have seen how ppl react and I sometimes find it funny because ppl always define someone's character based on appearance. And I also have friends who dress differently. Let's just say Lady Gaga is someone I looked up to. "Do what you want." Woman who didn't wear tudung doesn't means she deserve to be raped, same goes to men or LGBT+ wear sexy clothes mean they deserve to be beaten up or raped or bullied. But of course there is a fine line in wearing sexy or daring or literally insane.

At the end of the day, people tend to judge people but forget to judge themselves in front of the mirror first. When we strip away all that, what lies beneath is just the same human flesh and blood, fragile heart and soul.

Butterfly Effect, Ripple effect and trade with time.

Relationship, commitments, attachments, power, privacy, self conscious. Sometimes I feel maybe what my friend said before was right. "Maybe you can still play around while you are still young." Maybe, maybe not. Maybe how I am or who I am presented myself to my dad, he thought I am just being naive, innocent or too dumb that I think I can survive at the outside world alone or he thinks I am just too slacking being a freelance graphic designer to begin his career after graduation. He thought I make good enough money to survive more than just surviving.  But yes, the myth is applicable to majority of artist, graphic designers, or photography industry. Not everyone can earn a lot money or more than people who is in other industries. Unless you are an Art Director, Editor who is well experienced enough to earn higher income to make more than just a living.

Sadly, I am not. I am not even a outgoing socialise person to own a graphic design or art business by my own fully. And being freelance for a long period, dad just think having commitments and insurance attached to me will make me work harder as he thinks I am not hard working enough for a man. And sibling or people might think I am coward or selfish person for moving out living with lover and not taking care my dad is good escape. What they don't know is what struggle i have been through living outside by myself, or living outside with lover and not family members. I do not always get pampered or fully financially support. And I sometimes do feel weaker to even make a voice for myself since I have lower earning income. I feel lesser power to request or even make an argument.  And I don't like that feeling. They don't know there are times I maybe have financially supported on certain things, but I still do the chores or make food for myself and lover, sometimes for his mum too.  And I learned to be more independent in home making, I learn how to take care my health. I learned to try to make the most through out the day either financially or productivity. I learnt to settle things by myself than relying on family on the things I want to get. I've learnt to deal with things that I don't agree or not as planned.

Living outside away from family, I've learnt to take care or settle things by myself even in the situations that I'm not at my best. Living outside and being put with commitments and attachments, I've learnt it's a trade with time for money, butterfly effects or the ripple effect. I've learnt to try do more work for money, I've learnt I cannot always rely/expectation/ demand on people because I will feel lost of power or voice or understanding or controlled like a threat. I also learnt that group have bigger power achieving a goal than solo but yet there is still people work solo. I've learnt promises can be forgotten, and forgiving is the only thing you can do to accept unexpected situations. I have lesser time for family because of financial commitments they put me into. It's a trade/exchange that we have to accept, you can have both. We have cats then we will have lesser time for ourselves. We wanna build a future home, then we will have to work harder on money and lesser for vacation. It's a exchange. I cannot be a hunk if I don't put more efforts in making own healthy diet, sufficient rest and workout. It's always can only be a balance equation. And I wanna earn more to lighten up, yet I wanna still doing something I love and also well healthily balanced. Maybe you won't understand. I am proud that I am still doing everything I wanted or I could but I do feel tired and frustrated when I couldn't or when missed out because of trade with time. People won't understand because ppl will say solve it with money than trying to make the effort, or ppl think I have a lot of time. People won't understand that's why I am attached with so many things, they just think I am not good enough to be a human that they know. It's just that I didn't tell many things because of the barriers made from the ripples and butterflies.