e-photobooks

J Yau Design Photobooks

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Collaboration with other magazines at Pubu Online bookstore.

Thoughts

Climb climb the ladder, trying to catch the pace of the flying feather. Grow grow, follow the family roots, how to grow if there's not enough sources to grow independently and be like you.  Is about affordability and not how many commitments I should have. Is about trying to be on the same page with people around me and yet truly unique from the roots. You are at the pace of enjoying time and I am like running in a quick sand desert. None of us, none of you are at our righteous mind to be better, neither is better, neither have bigger heart to accommodate. We just living day by day trying to understand everything happened with a wider mind and bigger soul to accept, forgive and forget. Fluctuating heart broken once or twice will be numb n let go. Friends will advice you what's worth and what isn't worth to shed a tear when ppl may not do or feel the same. Let loose, let go only can ease the heart, mind n soul. So, I smiled.

27

I'm 27, reaching 30, adult. I hope I can confidently intelligently say, "there's nothing to be afraid and just try new things. It's life whether the path seems odd or not making sense now but everything will fall into right place." I'm 27 already, having nude or sexy sensual or erotic photoshoot shouldn't be making a big fuss over it, I'm an adult as long as my mind is clear and aware of what I am doing and I doing it safely, wisely. I hope I can confidently say I have the right to choose who I want to work with or hangout with, who I trust, who I love, who understands and know my self value and worth. I don't simply expose myself either physically or spiritually entirely to anyone unless I am sure I am not just being traded with unworthy wasted purposes. I hope my frans, or anyone who knows me and loved ones can see that. I myself sometimes don't talk about it to loved ones because I know it's going to be hard on them as I can feel the same if my loved ones doing similar things. I know I will feel heartache or jealous or insecure. But at the same time, I understand that we should have mutual understanding, feelings, respect, trust to accept, to build and nurture, to make things work. Age 27 me, I still could be wrong with all these statements I've made in this perpetual perplexing mind propelling to grow in time. Age 27 me, I've learnt there is more than one kind of love. One auntie told me before, "There's no right or wrong in love, when feelings come, you also can't avoid." I only hope there is more loves in the world and less hate.

Appearance.

"why you wear tight/fitting pants?"
"so that you know where my butt is."
Ya, I wear fitting clothes sometimes because I am still young and I worked my body. I think I look fine in fitting clothes to show off the goods. I may not be perfect, but I at least, liking my self in my way. I don't have long legs but I have thin legs to look long. To sound negatively, I will say because I am thin, big clothes will only make me look more thin. To sound delusional, because big hunks always looks like their clothes about to burst or looking very fit in fitting clothes. So, I also want to wear like that and say I got muscle too, just small only HAHAHA. I know my side profile look like thin wood plank.

conservative people will judge people who wear sexy is controlled by society or men because showing off the curves to men. At the same time, people who wear sexy or open mind will judge conservative people is being controlled by society/men because cannot wear what they want, or only can reserved to their own man.

I actually talked about it before, but still will have people ask questions or talk like that because they will never understand.
I had my hair grown long, cut short, dyed. I do sometimes wear sloppy or wear nice or wear what I like. And I have seen how ppl react and I sometimes find it funny because ppl always define someone's character based on appearance. And I also have friends who dress differently. Let's just say Lady Gaga is someone I looked up to. "Do what you want." Woman who didn't wear tudung doesn't means she deserve to be raped, same goes to men or LGBT+ wear sexy clothes mean they deserve to be beaten up or raped or bullied. But of course there is a fine line in wearing sexy or daring or literally insane.

At the end of the day, people tend to judge people but forget to judge themselves in front of the mirror first. When we strip away all that, what lies beneath is just the same human flesh and blood, fragile heart and soul.

Butterfly Effect, Ripple effect and trade with time.

Relationship, commitments, attachments, power, privacy, self conscious. Sometimes I feel maybe what my friend said before was right. "Maybe you can still play around while you are still young." Maybe, maybe not. Maybe how I am or who I am presented myself to my dad, he thought I am just being naive, innocent or too dumb that I think I can survive at the outside world alone or he thinks I am just too slacking being a freelance graphic designer to begin his career after graduation. He thought I make good enough money to survive more than just surviving.  But yes, the myth is applicable to majority of artist, graphic designers, or photography industry. Not everyone can earn a lot money or more than people who is in other industries. Unless you are an Art Director, Editor who is well experienced enough to earn higher income to make more than just a living.

Sadly, I am not. I am not even a outgoing socialise person to own a graphic design or art business by my own fully. And being freelance for a long period, dad just think having commitments and insurance attached to me will make me work harder as he thinks I am not hard working enough for a man. And sibling or people might think I am coward or selfish person for moving out living with lover and not taking care my dad is good escape. What they don't know is what struggle i have been through living outside by myself, or living outside with lover and not family members. I do not always get pampered or fully financially support. And I sometimes do feel weaker to even make a voice for myself since I have lower earning income. I feel lesser power to request or even make an argument.  And I don't like that feeling. They don't know there are times I maybe have financially supported on certain things, but I still do the chores or make food for myself and lover, sometimes for his mum too.  And I learned to be more independent in home making, I learn how to take care my health. I learned to try to make the most through out the day either financially or productivity. I learnt to settle things by myself than relying on family on the things I want to get. I've learnt to deal with things that I don't agree or not as planned.

Living outside away from family, I've learnt to take care or settle things by myself even in the situations that I'm not at my best. Living outside and being put with commitments and attachments, I've learnt it's a trade with time for money, butterfly effects or the ripple effect. I've learnt to try do more work for money, I've learnt I cannot always rely/expectation/ demand on people because I will feel lost of power or voice or understanding or controlled like a threat. I also learnt that group have bigger power achieving a goal than solo but yet there is still people work solo. I've learnt promises can be forgotten, and forgiving is the only thing you can do to accept unexpected situations. I have lesser time for family because of financial commitments they put me into. It's a trade/exchange that we have to accept, you can have both. We have cats then we will have lesser time for ourselves. We wanna build a future home, then we will have to work harder on money and lesser for vacation. It's a exchange. I cannot be a hunk if I don't put more efforts in making own healthy diet, sufficient rest and workout. It's always can only be a balance equation. And I wanna earn more to lighten up, yet I wanna still doing something I love and also well healthily balanced. Maybe you won't understand. I am proud that I am still doing everything I wanted or I could but I do feel tired and frustrated when I couldn't or when missed out because of trade with time. People won't understand because ppl will say solve it with money than trying to make the effort, or ppl think I have a lot of time. People won't understand that's why I am attached with so many things, they just think I am not good enough to be a human that they know. It's just that I didn't tell many things because of the barriers made from the ripples and butterflies.

《无可救耀的杰耀》-正常-

《无可救耀的杰耀》-（正常篇）-搭公车火车真的会遇见百种人。几个星期前，一般年轻人上了火车就滔滔不绝聊天。我耳朵没关，没带耳机所以我可以听到他们一些话题。就听到他们一段说着“你最好不要给我咬你，bla bla。” “我好像很久没咬你了哦”(女对男说的） 然后另一个男就说他的另一个男生朋友也是很要过他，有时会对他说很久没咬了，可以咬吗？ 我听了都觉得难道现在的年轻人都玩那么疯哦。故事没说完，他们就聊起哪位哪位是帅哥在脸书，男的就说得很有经验知道谁是男同志，叽叽喳喳。女的这时就说了让我觉得一点荒唐土话，”为什么全部帅的都不正常的？” 虽然我知道年轻人喜欢乱说话不经大脑。我只想说:"帅的看到你才不正常啊！"什么年代了还有这样的看法，帅的也有像你们一样”正常“只是你没遇到，还是他们不想遇到你而已（开玩笑而已）。我心想说:"你们咬来咬去才不正常！“ 都不知道你少了哪条神经。

《无可救耀的杰耀》-斗气-

《无可救耀的杰耀》-斗气- 如果你进不到你想要的公司里打工，你就立志当老板有天把他的公司买起来。如果上司不请你打工，有本事就当上司的上司。 想当模特儿，但没被模特经纪公司看起。就希望有天你当他们的老板。斗气，如果到最后是你想要的梦。那是你最好的推动力。如果不是，你可能要吃更多苦来证明自己是有价值，可以当你要的，只是他们没发现的宝石。斗气和梦想，梦想和现实，理想和理智一线之差， 有谁没有大大的梦，大家都被推倒多次而失去了多少沸腾的热血热诚放弃了，改变了，变小了自己原本的梦。您还记得你是谁吗？

《无可救耀的杰耀》行人&司机

《无可救耀的杰耀》行人斑马线绿灯了车子就该停了，车子还是继续过时，过路人就觉得“我在过路，你敢撞我，你就是错！”。司机就觉得“我撞你，你死先，我还在。”大家都喜欢往自己的角度去看东西就忘了为人着想，不耐烦的无奈，人的本性。

《无可救耀的杰耀》底线

《无可救耀的杰耀》公说公有理,婆说婆有理。开车的人会说”我停车下来让你过路，你就过快点。”过路人就会说，”我走路已经汗流浃背，过马路还要快步。”大家人心都有限，您的底线又在哪里？占你便宜，互不相让。放宽心也许会让自己好过，自己气爆不如让自己好过。社会何时可以再见色彩。

<无可救耀的杰耀> 火车

<无可救耀的杰耀>在一个火车厢里，挤满了人。有的会默默的缩小自己让别人加入空间里，有的以无视目中无人的姿态摆出"我要自己空间，没有人可以改变我"。有的放下自己背上的负担到自己的手握里，脚下里让出多一个人站的空间。大部分的眼里只有3C世界。有的对别人侵入了个人空间反驳，有的心里翻了无数的白眼飙脏话。有的则在自己的音乐胶囊里。
In the train space fulled of people. Some people shrink themselves, allowing people to fill in the space. Some remains a posture saying "this is my space and nobody is welcome into my space" Some people put down the weight on their shoulder to their hands or on the ground between their feets to give out one more person space. Others only having their phones in their eyes. Some will voice out to the intruders of their personal space, some will be rolling eyes countless in their mind and scolding in their hearts. Some will be in their music capsules

Model for nude photography is also just a job

特别优秀的模特儿就能容易找到正当模特儿时尚的工作，世界这么大，有多少人有一样梦想但就是不是那位特出的。当人每次问我为什么要拍一些性感照，有生理反应的照片。我只是想说我自己已经澄清很多次了，要以模特儿为工作的一部分为生活，一半是兴趣，一半就是要肯接比一般模特儿不可能接的工作，裸照可以是艺术照，也可以是商业化，现实社会要看的。如果我永远都等着时尚品牌找我，我可能永远都没机会做模特儿的经验。为什么要问我“当天摄影师如果是同志拍你全裸，你不怕吗？他不是赚到了？“ “ 如果你当天拍摄有生理反应真么办？”我只想说这是一份工作，就像演员把自己的本分做好呈现出他们要的照片，是艺术也好不是也好，是一份工作，一份专业，就是呈现出照片里的一种幻想，一种意境，一个讯息。有没有生理反应，也是要继续把拍摄拍完。我接全裸拍摄工作是因为没有很多人敢接，那就是我的机会来做别人不做的，不容易但那就是我。被问的我是会觉得，一，你没看过我己经回答过类似问题；二，我会觉得尴尬当你把拍摄过程充满幻想，也让我觉得不被尊敬的感觉。也许你是要问我是否喜欢拍摄裸照或性感照，我只能说现在的我习惯了，但我还是会小心得选拍摄主题和概念还有可靠的摄影师。我的不好经验我不想说不代表我是随便的人。

Specially unique models are easy to get proper modelling fashion editorial jobs in this big world where many have the same dream to be the successful model. Every time people asked me "Why I want to take these sexy photos such as underwear or nude photos or with bulge seen?" "If the photographer is gay and photograph you nude, he is so lucky and "earned" so much" or "what if during the photoshoot and you have an erection?". I have declared a few times about why before. Being a model is not just passion on what you like to do, people choose you more than you choose what job you want if they find you're not suitable. To create or to have my own model experience, I chose to take jobs or model for some photoshoot that not all models willing to do, in order to survive, in order to be outstanding or show I can do more than just fashion, editorial. Doing nude photoshoot or sexy photoshoot is just another modelling job, either is artistic or commercialised. It's a job, a profession, is like acting to deliver the picture that the photographer or client wants. Is business, sex-appeal. Whenever I am being asked, I felt, first, I have talked about it here or at my blog before. Second, I don't feel comfortable when your questions seems like giving yourself a fantasy of the photoshoot behind the scene, I felt not respected in some ways. Maybe you want to ask mainly is am I enjoying myself taking sexy or nude photos? right now I can only say I already used to it, but it doesn't mean I am simply person. I still choose photoshoot based on the concept, the idea/ theme, the purpose. And also choosing trustable photographer. I have bad experiences that I don't want to tell doesn't mean I am simply person and I don't want being treated like I am a playboy or slut just because I do nude photography. A slut or play boy doesn't need to be photographed to begin with.

Model Compcard Update 2015

It just depends how to see things, go shock or go home?

Today I just want to write about certain things I've experienced and have thoughts about the things and also clarify things. I am doing OK, no worries.

First thing first, about the nude photos being leaked online. I wrote things about it like "my penis is more famous than me in person, my body and face, my talents." Well, I am not nagging or whining about it like a complaint but more like a statement of truth or a fact. I made fun of myself about that statement and at the same time reflecting how the society are as part of the world we live in. Yes,  the only frustrated thing I have is the leaked photos which initially for selling as pocket money or salary. And this next thing, I said before and I am going to say again, almost all the photoshoot I've worked are not paid, either the photographers think they shouldn't pay because they thinks they should get paid for photographing you (which is arguable point and they aren't wrong either). or they are poor financially photographers who looking for low budget portfolio for themselves. Or we both have this idea we both agreed or like to do and we tried. So all these we came with conditions because I don't have much money and I want to make money from making nice model photos work together with photographer. I asked to have the photos for my e-photobook and at the same time, they can use the photos for themselves too but with notification and permissions. So, I can earn my money from the photoshoot which I don't get paid.

About the nude photos of me, many friends of mine worry because they never really know what modelling jobs I worked for although they heard of me selling e-photobooks. And also maybe their mind find this as a negative thing for taking nude photos. I am not upset because of having the nude photos photographed and leaked. Because from the moment I agree to take nude photos, I know what am I doing and I treat these as my modelling job, artwork or portfolio which I made.  I only upset because no credits given either photographers or me and the photos are for commercial purposes and not for free. Many my friends who aren't from this model industry or photography will stereotypically thinks all models are just model for clothes, products, services, TVC talents. Which is yes, if you are lucky enough, unique enough, outstanding attractive and are the one who majority likes, your career is smoother than baby oil. And there are still models for work for artistic photoshoot, or art and makeup photoshoot, photography have many categories. Depends what you want to try, the niche market or the competitive market. For me, I'm not popular or special and often do not get model for any clothing or products except underwear or underwear with plain t-shirt only, so I started up trying to be model for sexy or nude photography where most models don't do. It is not only try to give myself an extra path to go, but also overcome my fear being in front of camera. Once I've experienced nude in front of camera, you get to be more relax or more focus on posing right with or without clothes than having worry thoughts showing up at my face.

And of course, I will never know what's the best way to tell my family and not planning to tell since they aren't even happy when I trying modelling jobs at the first place, don't even think about telling being nude model.

Exposing yourself to nudity might not sounds as bad as you can imagine. It's like sex, the more you try to hide sex knowledge to younger generation, the more they eager to know or find out by themselves. Why not just educate them that nudity is nothing to be afraid of, it just part of your body and learn how to see as norm than trying to over reacting or sensitive about it, and not always have to link it to dirty things. Its like Japan where they produced many adult content photos or anime etc etc. But they may have used to it as norm that they could make fun of it, or oversee all the lust and see the soul. This doesn't apply to all Japanese but I'm saying what's important is how your mind thinks than treating it as something like end of the world. And it's funny when people responded to Japan's earthquake and nuclear exploded as "karma" than helping out.

Second thing is about manners versus friendship when talking about bad news. Because many friends are kind enough to tell me about my leaked photos, and I get to see how many ways of communicating or delivering bad news. And one of them scolded me as he said my respond sounded nasty. The situation is like this he said "hi, just FYI." and then attached his print screen photo. So, I asked, "then give me the tumblr username at least or the link." then he just said is a reblogged and the source is not found. Which at that time, I was contacting one tumblr user to remove the source photo. Then I told my friend, maybe it already removed because I just contacted one user to remove it.  Then, he print screen another photo showing me is still there. I overlooked this time the second print screen which include the username and then I said, "Well if you can't open the source of the photo then you can give me the username, I go search by myself." Then, he said "It's already on the screen, You don't have to sound so nasty. I don't have the obligation to inform you that your nudes is shown in public." and I got angry, "I just say you can give me the account name, sorry I didn't see properly. And you don't have to sound like that too, having problems is me. And you are not the first person just print screen without giving the link and I have to search by myself." And he just went over the line saying "Yeah, is not the first time I am so busybody and not the first time I responding like this. You could have sound politely and say thank you for informing. We do not owe you anything or have the obligation to inform you." I was like, What the heck saying loud in my heart. Imagine if this situation is about informing my mum died and I have to say thank you for informing? Our friendship is such paper thin that manner first than solving the problems together and where did the hell I sounded nasty?Or is he just have been working in Singapore too long adapting the "anything also complain" attitude? Then I just said, "Sorry if you have to feel nasty from the words I typed but interpreted by your mind. Thank you for informing and sorry if I made you feel you owed me obligation." I am pissed. Now I looked back, I still feel childish. And if I compare, I have a supporter of my e-photobook who just dropped me message about the leaked photos and he said "sorry for bringing the bad news". Now I just felt maybe he just had rough day, I don't know. I only remember we used to have smooth conversation and now like being so sensitive when I always was being said I am the sensitive one. And he just brought me memories of he used to tell me he hate me speaking English because he felt I am speaking proper English accent like I pretending to be an English. I personally feel that why some people couldn't see certain things in a positive way. Some American celebrities tend to speak English accent because they like the accent only and not trying to be someone who they aren't unless they pretend to be the one who do not know how to speak their native language. That one, I will not like it, people who try to speak English accent and pretend not knowing their native language. I don't mind people speaking more than one language or speaking in proper pronunciation. Why can world be a little happier?

My 25 self.

During the making of "25" e-photobook, there's many things I wished I could have written down. But I didn't, I just told myself I need to be positive and show the bright sides of me. Naming "25" title is no lie that I got inspired from Adele's previous albums, naming it by certain age of her life telling her story of that year. But I never thought after I named it, Adele released her album "25" this year too. Listening to her "Hello", I wished I can just say the same and draining out sad negative vibes. "They say that time's supposed to heal ya, but I ain't done much healing." I told myself to shake it off, so I wrote things standing in a neutral point of view or left with a question mark or indecisive answer. I cannot show I am weak, I can only show I have been through the obstacles and I am still moving on.

They asked "how are you going to survive being a freelance?",  he asked "What's your next plan?". Family worries you are not on the right path surviving. "How are you going to make money?" "Are you special enough?" I wish I know everything. I wish I can sing well, I wish I can dance. At this age of time where you have to be good at more than one thing. It seems no one showing respect and appreciation of professional at one thing anymore. Everyone is draining out every drip of talent juice they have. Somewhere some parts of the art world seems dying, fading, lost, gone. I wish I can tell you these. But I just want to say I can do it.

Every time after done making an e-photobook,  I always doubt myself whether able to make the next one. It's tough, it's scary to think that I will be able to survive from this e-photobook to make the next one. Always doubt what I can do to be better, so that I can show something new on the next e-photobook. I ain't the mainstream person, I don't know how to survive getting on the front line,  it's a lot of investment to put on my own self.

Strangers asked or told me many things, "You seems did a lot of underwear photoshoot.", "Can you introduced me the photographers? so I can bring my models/talents to them.", "Any handsome model or friends to introduce?" , "Did models make out with photographers/HMUA?", "saw your e-photobook selling somewhere else." all kinds of uncomfortable statements or comments and questions I felt as if I own the right to choose what photoshoot to do when I am working as a model, as if I am only a middle man to some people for knowing other resourceful talented people. I just told myself, if there ain't roads shown for you, you can only pass to others where roads are looking for them in positive thinking way.

Saying to myself, "It's not your fault that you have tried many ways, failures are just part of the journey to success." (where I ain't feeling it yet) But I got to have faith in it. Talking to someone seems like myself after 5-6 years with almost same birthdate, I hope I know where will I supposed to be in better me.

25 vol. 4 (Low Res)

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25 vol. 3 (Low Resolution)

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25 vol. 2 (Low Resolution)

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25 vol. 1 Low Resolution

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Questions from Mr. L.M.

Hello there,

I have been very busy with my photoshoot and editing. And popping out questions such as these sometimes can be testing my patience. If I am not mistaken, I remember this guy is a person who previously talked about his interests in trying out being a model.

Okay, I want to be honest. I am not the walking Wikipedia or walking Dictionary. My answers are not applicable international, all kinds situations. Life is about self exploring, an adventure. Sometimes, learning to observe and discover by self help. During my time, the only source I know about modelling is through photography, TV modelling shows like ANTM. and also from my sister who was a freelance model. Thus, I found out Model Mayhem website is a place for models and photographers and other relevant people such as Make Up Artist, Stylist, Hair stylist, Fashion Designers to meet other for project/ work purposes only  or for building your own portfolio/profile.

Everyone has different hair quality individually, some people have thick hair or rough hair, dry hair thin hair, soft hair. Different hair use different products. So, don't ask me because I am not a professional hair consultant or stylist or a barber. If you want accurate informative facts on what hair product to use, Google or ask advise from barber shop. Your question on where I get the Shurei hair wax, it was given by sibling and it isn't suitable for me. I use Gatsby wax and some other brands hair spray I got from barber shop or hair products shops.

At the moment, I do not take any protein supplements because I have finished my protein supplements. As I have said before to other people that protein is not necessarily have to be taken from supplements but can be daily food we eat such as meat, vegetables and eggs. I have posted photos of what vegetables can get high protein. Other than that, the common food to get protein is milk, eggs, fish, seafood and other meats. for more information you can Google, Youtube, wiki about it or just find my Facebook page with an album featuring info:
https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.351767124909010.83864.344755008943555&type=3

Do I go full body waxing for modelling? Its a subjective question! if the photographer need you to be completely no body hair for photoshoot, then you should do it. So, the answer is depends on project basis, what kind of project or work you got, then you perform or deliver what they want! I don't have much body hair except private part and armpits and moustache. I trim them when it is need to be trimmed or shaved clean for the photoshoot. Thus, ask the photographer or the person who in charge the project what they want you to deliver or perform.

My opinion about Bird Cabin? you further asked on quality of Bird Cabin products. Bird Cabin is a male underwear online store where they selling different brands of underwear such as Pink Hero, JQK, Quarter Homme etc etc. It depends on where is the products they got it from and what brands. So, I can't answer your question. If you are asking about Bird Cabin services quality, it is good, They deliver the products on time and they will early inform you whenever they is any new products selling in their store and if there is any closing delivery date before certain public holidays.

I hope my answers help you out and don't forget it. If you really like to ask me more things, maybe you should support me by telling me to do live YouNow broadcasting more and ask questions there!

Life can be so shabby, flickery, fragile. Life is a mystery

Bruce Jenner can be transgender, my mother can be gone at my teenage time, his first lover gone in a car accident, my friend's love relationship can suddenly torn apart; my another friend recently just passed away. Life seems nothing is impossible to happen. When you're so busy with your things and the next second you know your friend just passed away.

Although we aren't close friends or even have the chance to really know each other, we always see each other like neighbours as we stay in a same condominium. You're a art/ graphic design student, you're younger than me and you just completed your final year project. And now, you're gone. I am not sure how to react when I just found out the news few minutes ago. I don't feel I should say I am terribly sad or upset knowing you're gone because we're not close good buddies, but I don't feel I can just continue enjoy doing what I am going to do next minute.

I am upset because he is such a young person with talent to left the world so soon. I somehow realised I haven't really know all my friends and suddenly one friend that stay so near my place and he is gone. Its a sense of regret from me. I just remember we had a silly disagreement on a topic of stray cats at our condominium, he hates that because he felt dirty have stray cats and all the food given by people on the ground. I just said remember I disagree to hate the stray cats or chase them away just because of the food issue.

Somehow I felt I am lucky although I am poor and not successful but I get to do what I dreamed, thought or planned to do. Life is a maze of finding a puzzle that solve a picture of mystery. R.I.P , my friend, may you come back in next life continue your dream. Bless you. Angels will guide you home.

Although anything can happened without our control, but health is something important that we can control, healthy diet, healthy exercise and healthy lifestyle is important to keep yourself living for your dreams. Keep that in mind.