Relationship, commitments, attachments, power, privacy, self conscious. Sometimes I feel maybe what my friend said before was right. "Maybe you can still play around while you are still young." Maybe, maybe not. Maybe how I am or who I am presented myself to my dad, he thought I am just being naive, innocent or too dumb that I think I can survive at the outside world alone or he thinks I am just too slacking being a freelance graphic designer to begin his career after graduation. He thought I make good enough money to survive more than just surviving. But yes, the myth is applicable to majority of artist, graphic designers, or photography industry. Not everyone can earn a lot money or more than people who is in other industries. Unless you are an Art Director, Editor who is well experienced enough to earn higher income to make more than just a living.
Sadly, I am not. I am not even a outgoing socialise person to own a graphic design or art business by my own fully. And being freelance for a long period, dad just think having commitments and insurance attached to me will make me work harder as he thinks I am not hard working enough for a man. And sibling or people might think I am coward or selfish person for moving out living with lover and not taking care my dad is good escape. What they don't know is what struggle i have been through living outside by myself, or living outside with lover and not family members. I do not always get pampered or fully financially support. And I sometimes do feel weaker to even make a voice for myself since I have lower earning income. I feel lesser power to request or even make an argument. And I don't like that feeling. They don't know there are times I maybe have financially supported on certain things, but I still do the chores or make food for myself and lover, sometimes for his mum too. And I learned to be more independent in home making, I learn how to take care my health. I learned to try to make the most through out the day either financially or productivity. I learnt to settle things by myself than relying on family on the things I want to get. I've learnt to deal with things that I don't agree or not as planned.
Living outside away from family, I've learnt to take care or settle things by myself even in the situations that I'm not at my best. Living outside and being put with commitments and attachments, I've learnt it's a trade with time for money, butterfly effects or the ripple effect. I've learnt to try do more work for money, I've learnt I cannot always rely/expectation/ demand on people because I will feel lost of power or voice or understanding or controlled like a threat. I also learnt that group have bigger power achieving a goal than solo but yet there is still people work solo. I've learnt promises can be forgotten, and forgiving is the only thing you can do to accept unexpected situations. I have lesser time for family because of financial commitments they put me into. It's a trade/exchange that we have to accept, you can have both. We have cats then we will have lesser time for ourselves. We wanna build a future home, then we will have to work harder on money and lesser for vacation. It's a exchange. I cannot be a hunk if I don't put more efforts in making own healthy diet, sufficient rest and workout. It's always can only be a balance equation. And I wanna earn more to lighten up, yet I wanna still doing something I love and also well healthily balanced. Maybe you won't understand. I am proud that I am still doing everything I wanted or I could but I do feel tired and frustrated when I couldn't or when missed out because of trade with time. People won't understand because ppl will say solve it with money than trying to make the effort, or ppl think I have a lot of time. People won't understand that's why I am attached with so many things, they just think I am not good enough to be a human that they know. It's just that I didn't tell many things because of the barriers made from the ripples and butterflies.
Sunday, July 16, 2017
Friday, April 14, 2017
《无可救耀的杰耀》-（正常篇）-搭公车火车真的会遇见百种人。几个星期前，一般年轻人上了火车就滔滔不绝聊天。我耳朵没关，没带耳机所以我可以听到他们一些话题。就听到他们一段说着“你最好不要给我咬你，bla bla。” “我好像很久没咬你了哦”(女对男说的） 然后另一个男就说他的另一个男生朋友也是很要过他，有时会对他说很久没咬了，可以咬吗？ 我听了都觉得难道现在的年轻人都玩那么疯哦。故事没说完，他们就聊起哪位哪位是帅哥在脸书，男的就说得很有经验知道谁是男同志，叽叽喳喳。女的这时就说了让我觉得一点荒唐土话，”为什么全部帅的都不正常的？” 虽然我知道年轻人喜欢乱说话不经大脑。我只想说:"帅的看到你才不正常啊！"什么年代了还有这样的看法，帅的也有像你们一样”正常“只是你没遇到，还是他们不想遇到你而已（开玩笑而已）。我心想说:"你们咬来咬去才不正常！“ 都不知道你少了哪条神经。
Posted by J-son at 11:39 AM