Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Raw N 2014 e-Photobook

Raw N 2014 e-Photobook

Raw N 2014 e-Photobook with the title called "Raw N" which stands for Raw Nude which means this e-photobook is a special edition and is a plain edition without too much props or costume or dramatic themes. This e-photobook contains some artistic nude or emotional artistic nude photos & some just plain commercialised sex-appeal photos. This e-photobook edition will also have collect 10% from the sale of each e-photobook donated to HIV or AIDs relevant organisation as charity because I feel I should do something valuable & meaningful upon the demand by certain customers requested for full nude e-photobook. And because I have seen some HIV people who is also very talented. Thus, I hope I can get some donation from this e-photobook to provide small financial help to them.

PDF file format
154 pages include front & back covers
File size 270MB
RM 43.80
Featuring photographers & hair stylist: Keith Zhang, James Chang, Jason Oung, Manip Mania, Simon Latimer.

Here's a link to have a glimpse of some pages of the e-Photobook:

*PDF file download link will be sent via WeTransfer according to the given email address by the customer. 
*This e-photobook photos contain certain raw photos, certain light retouching photos and some heavy editing photos. This e-photobook theme mainly simple, plain, no dramatic makeup or clothes, just a pair of jeans, plain t-shirt & underwear.

*This e-photobook only available to buyers or viewers who are age 18 and above. You have been warned & notified that this e-photobook contains nudity photos. We are not responsible to issues regarding to buyers or viewers who is below age 18.

Buying and viewing the e-photobook means you are understand, know the content of this e-photobook and agreed that you are age equal or above 18 and you have been warned.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Body Workout at Home (Abs, Triceps & Chest)

Here's some update for body workout videos I made & posted on Youtube using mobile phone and edited with iMovie.

And I would like to just share one more drink that could boosts your energy which I am not sure I have mention before in my previous posts. I remember I mentioned about having sufficient carbohydrates or sugar intake before body workout could boost your energy to have longer stamina to perform better workout such as bread, oats, banana, chocolate or energy drinks, isotonic drinks such as 100 plus or another item I want to introduce today is Glucolin, glucose.

Its a powder which required to mix with cold or warm water to drink which I find it useful too. I used to drink but now I prefer more on eating sufficient food to gain energy 30 minutes to 1 hour before body workout time.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

My story, your knowledge?

Today I decided to talk more about myself, since J-Yau suppose to be a brand with story and J-Yau is me, Jason L.H. Yau.  Story about me isn't really something very special to be alienated or something. I am not sure whether I have mentioned before I am gay and I have a partner. And saying this publicly in my country I not sure whether I will get arrested and hated by certain not understanding religious people.

I remembered I wrote my story before but I deleted due to not really sure is it safe or am I ready to tell or are my readers that open mind with open heart to know me.

I have siblings and I am the youngest in the family. My late mum passed away due to breast cancer third stage when I was about 21 years old to 22 years old, before that we were going through the difficulties in curing mum and handling household things we all learnt a lot things from surviving to trying defining the meaning of life. Whenever talk about topic of life, it simply frustrated me or can get me emotional on the fragility of life and doubts of what to achieve before life comes to an end.

I left my home just almost a year now, to be exact is just about 10 months. I still have gathering with my dad and sibling once in every two weeks. People questioned me about why leaving house, I will always say because of career and work. And of course, there are other reasons actually. Where should I start this? I come from a family where when I was younger, I have never been close to any relatives at all for some negative reasons. Partially I never grown up having most of the time spent with my mother's side relatives and I never find myself able to fit in well or get along closely with my father's side relatives as well till I have became an adult.

Like any typical asian family or relatives, we were often like to be compared since young, from wealth to educations, successes and achievements. My family used to be middle-class family and we always living a middle class lifestyle except my dad who was grown up with a better environment with his siblings and so they used to like to compare till recent years we all had our downfall time and we sort of realized we all aren't that perfectly doing great and we all are humans and we started to comparing less but still like to gossips a lot. Because of from where I grew up, I never feel close to certain relatives or cousins except some who I felt the similarities and able to relate myself with them.

Nobody likes to feel of losing a mother, a wife, or a sibling early. But how many of us learn something from the incident and become a better, stronger person other than regrets and appreciate more of the ticking time and says, "I wish I have more time for all these. (achievements, success, communication, happiness, family, love etc. etc."
At the first time finding out myself is gay during secondary school/ high school, like every other gay, I feeling like an abnormal kid, a monster, weirdo, any labels which rejected by society that you can think of. I have thought of ending my life during that teenage time. I was very self center that time  until I found out my mum got cancer when I was age 17 turning 18. At that time I not planning to come out of the closets until I got graduated with degree.

I am pretty lucky to have some gay friends who educate me more information on gay and the outside world and more information from psychology, psychiatrist perspective, counselling. Thus, I am ready on how to confess to my dad.  I came out to my siblings first during the hard times and also after my late mum passed away. There was a moment I felt, coming out to dad is harder than coming out to my mum if she was still here.  I got into a long term relationship and still on going which caught my dad's suspicion of my sexuality and my siblings aren't there to cover for me and pushes me to took the initiative to confess and I am ready with my aunt's suggested psychiatrist to meet my dad and I. The truth is gay wasn't an illness stated since 90's and trying to transform me back to straight can be done but I won't be happy as the psychiatrist said and he further said I am doing fine like a normal person. The only thing that matter is that dad need to take time to digest and accepting his son is gay.
Which I already knew about needing to have the patience as a son to give dad the time like how I give myself the time to accept who I first found out I am gay at 14-15 years old. I came out to dad at age 22.

I have never been very close to dad since I was a kid because he always working outstation or oversea or his construction projects. I used to not close to my dad and I have a bad temper. We only got closer bond as father and son after my mum passed away. But there is still always a gap between us, and disagreements/arguments between us. I guess is about the men's ego and stubbornness. But to explain in a more detailed but not specific in what kind of silly problems that I chose to moved out, I can only say I have my capability, ability limitation when comes to responsibility. I can only handle these much of the responsibility scope or duties. But if I was being put into a bigger responsibilities and no better solutions given on owning luxury assets or something more than I need and more than I can handle, I am not going to put my head into the bigger hat. I didn't sign up for this. As one make its bed, one must lie on it. I was more than just angry about his ego and inconsiderate action and not negotiable, communicable manner. My only hope of what I can do is to get  enough money to own a smaller home where I can handle and yet able to have dad stay with me if he wants.
Other than that, I also hope to have my privacy on working what I like, for example on modelling, having sexy portraits. I don't think I can ever tell my family about it because I know them. 

About my work, I find it contradict and sometimes a little heartbroken. I don't mind doing nudity photoshoots for capturing the moments of my best either in youth, in body physiques or for expressing art or erotic art. But many times, things have to be commercialised to fulfil the majority of the society/target audience's desire. Sometimes I got frustrated when I hear people say " I will only buy the photos if got full nude/or full frontal nude" or "too expensive, other people nude photos cheaper/free to see online"  I felt like no one cares from my perspective, like, I also have my family, I also work hard for myself, I maybe an exhibitionist but I am also a human. People like to see and yet like to make some unreasonable critique and requests.  Every job has its professionalism and not everyone able to fulfil, when a person is working hard, that person just hoping to be respected and appreciated. Underwear models aren't strippers, strippers aren't prostitutes, every occupation got its requirements which not everyone able to fulfil. I just hope to get some appreciation and respect and excessive demands.

J-Yau is searching the simplicity in complexity, J-Yau is a contradict perfectionist who understand the imperfect reality and seeks for a simple life. J-Yau is a wanting to forgets what's left broken, unfix and move forward than being motionless trapped in depression. J-Yau allows feelings comes and go like breathing and never wants to stuck in a maze of addiction in any kind of feelings. J-Yau is a dream chaser, believes in balancing between dream and reality, defy the negative reality cracks and immerse them with the liquidity dream/s. J-Yau is not just a human nature express yourself, express love, hope for mutual respect, mutual sharing, wisdom and beauty exchange.

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Want to lose weight and fats quickly?

As I mentioned before and being told by people too, 70% rely on your diet and only 30% rely on your workout. Eat, sleep and your lifestyle really could affect your body shape. Want to lose weight? it starts with food. The article below is mainly focus on how to lose weight and fats.

I got this Chinese article  through my friend's sharing. Eat smaller or lesser portion, but never skip a meal or fasting.  Breakfast eat like a king, lunch eat like a queen and dinner eat like a beggar if you want to lose weight correctly and still maintain a healthy eating. When I say eat like a king, doesn't mean eat until you feel bloated but just eat sufficient amount like 80% full with high carbohydrates and fibre food like wholemeal bread, oatmeal, rolled oats with yogurt, eggs match with either a cup of milk or a  half cup of fruit juice or an apple before having breakfast. You can also try have low fat milk mixed with oats, corns and some purple sweet potato cubes.

Our body minimum calorie of food needed to burn in our stomach is around 1200 calories which is just enough to support our heart rate pumping to our body parts. Thus, skipping meals totally without eating anything is totally wrong and will cause yourself fainted before you can even really lose your targeted weight loss. You may eat less and smaller portion of a meal and have 5 meals a day to avoid feeling hungry throughout a day.

Try eat on time especially dinner because if you had late dinner and go to sleep by having food  in your stomach, your stomach tends to convert the food into sugar. But if you are sleeping with empty stomach,  your body tends to use your body fats convert into sugar.

To cut fats, you need to eat less sugar, less fats/oily food and eat food which is high in protein such as lean meat or fish and prawn meat. But if you have allergy to seafood, then just choose to eat lean meat or you can go vegetarian of consuming protein from veggies. Do you know that one full cup of orange juice has higher sugar than coffee. So, unless you are planning to use that amount of sugar as energy for body workout on that day or people who thin like me not wanting to lose further weight, you have to avoid or reduce the amount of fruit juice you drink. Hence, you are also not recommended to eat fruits as your meal as you might end up eating more sugar than you normally does without notice.

Here's a link showing calories comparison between coffee and orange juice.

Also, you may want to reduce the white rice intake if you are planning to lose weight. White rice are easy to raise your blood sugar like bread and pasta although they are high carbs which good for body building or sports activities as carbs convert into sugar or energy while we doing workout. About this statement, I always think that "how much you eat is how much you need to burn from your exercise in order to keep in shape" instead of going for complete fasting or skipping meal which is completely wrong idea.

The next thing which I mentioned before previously, is if you are able to do body workout once you wake up in the morning will be the best time for burning on body fat instead of carbohydrates because the carbohydrates are being used up in your 6-7 hours sleep during the night. (Source: here)

To enhance and further improve your weigh loss plan into short time, exercise is required especially cardio workout. You are required to do longer cardio workout around 45 minutes to 1 hour. Cardio workout can be aerobics, jogging, running, swimming, skipping and cycling.  For those who have heavier weight, jump squats, running, jogging and skipping for long hours or doing improperly might caused bad impacts on your joints such as knee or feet. You can either try wear a knee guard, or do cycling or walking fast pace instead of running to reduce the impact. Or, you can do aerobics or a combined cardio of these few different cardio within 45 minutes to 1 minutes. You may have to avoid doing jump squats or skipping for avoiding having problems with your joint. Swimming or working out in the pool is better or safer cardio to avoid joints pain due to the water pressure or water buoyancy.

Doing workout right and correctly can also helps you see the result faster.

Here's a video on a intense 6 minutes workout on losing your love handle and getting abs. Take note, love handle is not V-line abs.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

What to eat perform better body workout? How to get ripped and bigger muscle?

Today I just did some research online and read a lot of articles after my customer/ student told me I have been training him too hard on cardio or warm-up which led him to no energy or strength or stamina at all to continue on weight lifting. Partially I can say is my fault on training them hard but didn't give more advice on diet or what food to eat before and after workout.

Before I share the information I found online, I did like to explain on the workout routine I shared and trained them. Firstly, I will say "share" is because I will teach what I usually do on my workout routine daily which is "warm up, stretching, body building" in one session. "Warm up" usually is cardio plus partially working on your muscle and stamina which is necessary before start up body building because you need to pump up your heart rate first in order to allow the blood flow to all over your body muscle. So that, it will help you build and develop or affect your muscle tissue more when comes to body building session such as tearing your muscle tissue or damage your muscle by lifting heavy weights.

Why needs to torn and damage your muscle tissues? In order to build bigger muscle, you are required to do that and drink or eat sufficient protein to develop  or build bigger muscle in between the damaged or torn muscle tissues.

Second, my warm up/cardio workout session is not running on treadmills or just cycling for 15 minutes which I used to do before when I first going to gym and being told by most instructors. I don't really like or agree to do it for fully 15 minutes for my body type as I belongs to thin and high metabolism and easy sweat. Running on treadmills or cycling cardio for 15 minutes will make me becomes thinner or harder to gain weight. And doing running on treadmills for too long can hurt your knee joints from your body weight impacting your joints. Its same like doing squatting improperly will cause the same effect too.

Hence, my warm up/ cardio is a group of different body parts exercises to be completed from 4 - 15 minutes based on different weeks doing different warm ups.  Which is think is a good workout for people who only do a minimum body workout or exercise 3 times a week. Plus, the reason why I put on a warm up which involves most of our body parts since we only do 3 times weekly is because what I learnt from my instructor is I used to go to gym 4 - 6 times weekly and each day I go to gym I did only cardio, body stretching and two parts of my body which is any part of my body plus abs workout. If you are able to commit yourself to body workout 4-6 times weekly, you can split the body workout evenly, more focus and less heavy on each gym session.

And me as a trainer, I always wanted my students/customers are able to exercise every body parts workout weekly because I hope they get to build muscle on every parts evenly without missing any. I also hope I am able to build their strength and stamina instead of just building a perfect body without power, or just being "muscle Mary".

So, let begin our topic. What to eat perform better workout? There's many food you can eat which contains high carbohydrates before workout which is called Pre-workout Meal. But try to choose low-glycemic carbs like oatmeal, veggies or sweet potatoes instead of simple sugars or candy to avoid wild fluctuations in your blood-sugar levels. Carbohydrates you can also get from pasta, fruits, breads, yogurt, energy bars and drinks. The most digestible carbohydrates food is banana. You can also try to eat wholemeal bread with peanut butter or peanut jam and banana slices. Protein is also the needed nutrients to avoid muscle breakdown or not growing bigger muscles. Protein before workout also gives energy to perform better workout. Fats take longer time to digest which isn't recommended to consume high fats food before workout.

When to eat before workout? Having food in the stomach is never a good idea during body workout. which may hurts your stomach, causing nausea or stomach cramping.  Better to eat food 1-4 hours before workout. The shorter time before workout, the better to eat easy and faster digestive food or liquid such as banana, glucose drink (Glucolin), energy bars, isotonic drink, coffee and many more. These will help in fuelling up before workout.

What to eat after workout? Ever seen anyone in the gym who drinks protein before and after workout? Yes. you need right amount nutrients to fuel up and also right amount of nutrients to recover your body from damaged muscles and energy. Eat high in carbs and protein food such as chicken without feeling too full and of course balanced your acidity with some veggies and healthy oil. More importantly, sufficient water to hydrate your body as well.

source: http://www.fitnessmagazine.com/recipes/healthy-eating/nutrition/best-workout-foods/#page=2

source: http://www.askmen.com/top_10/fitness_top_ten/24_fitness_list.html
What to do for building muscle and lose fat?
There's no other way of doing body building without cardio to warm up. The minimum warm up you can do is 4-8 minutes which I have given to my customers before. If you are looking for simple cardio warm up such as running or jogging, you need to start with walking pace for 4 minutes then sprint for 40 seconds then cool down back with walking pace for another 4 minutes which total up is still 8 minutes 40 seconds which I got this information from here. 

For fat burning effective and body building, early morning and evening time is the best time to do workout. Also do schedule the weight training early enough in the evening so you are allowed a minimum of 6 hours between your weight training session and bedtime if possible. And also you need to know that :

  • The liver is the strongest from 1-3 AM. This is when you should be sleeping
  • The lung is strongest at 7-9 AM. This is the best time for aerobic exercise
  • The liver is weakest at 1-5 PM, so schedule difficult work for the morning.

For more information on fat burning, muscle building workout:
Check out these from Men's Health.

And if you are really passionate and hardworking, discipline into getting ripped body on diet.
Read about the Ripped meal and 
the Muscle meal.
“There’s no set time to train as everyone’s schedule is different but be sure to have a protein shake 30 to 45 minutes before each workout and another one directly afterwards,” says Lovell. “Avoid eating too much fruit, except berry fruits, which should be eaten after training. When they’re eaten at any other time the fructose they contain can combine with carbs to add body fat.”

For more references:
7 tips for body building and burning fats

But for me, if you really wanna build muscle and lose fats and gain muscle, eat lean meat, high protein, balanced with colourful veggies and low fat. And try avoid lousy junk or snack food or desserts.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Advise and basic guidelines for gaining weight correctly.

I got a message on my Facebook page and I decided to share my information here And the question is shown in the image below:

Hello, thanks for writing up to me and thanks for your complements =). I am happy to hear that. I can only share some information that I know but there are things you need to find out by yourself or by consulting doctor about your body health. First thing is about your digestion system good or bad, are your digestion absorbing well from the food you intake? or they do very easily flushed out from your body without even absorbing the nutritions from food.

Second, Is your metabolism high or low? do you get easily hungry and you eat a lot but never gain weight? usually high metabolism people tend to be thinner because their digestion is doing great or fast. If that's the problem, you can try have more meals a day such as five meals a day and you may try have supper at midnight if you usually burn midnight oil which I don't recommend people sleep too late.

Third, are you the person who chews very little before you swallow your food?  Because from what I heard and learnt from the sources i got from media. There's a saying that the food are harder to digest or absorb when people tends to chew less which also known as fast eater who tends to finish the meal quickly without at least 15-20 chewing repetitions. Eating fast also will caused you to eat more as you are not feeling full shortly.

Fourth,  how often do you go for exercise or body workout? getting a good body weight partially also rely on your exercise. In order to let your muscle grow or develop more muscle or bigger muscle, you need to exercise. So that, the food you eat will be used to develop muscles which leads to gaining weight. Exercise will also boosts up your metabolism, it will cause you easier to get hungry and tends to eat more. Exercise minimum 3 times a week regularly is good for a healthy body.

Lastly, gaining food is not just about eating more meat. A balanced diet is recommended, the amount you eat for meat need to be balanced with the amount of vegetables you eat. Balance with acid and alkali food. And gaining weight also rely on your protein and carbohydrates intake which you can get from meats and some vegetables such as beans and more. Carbohydrates provides energy for you to do exercise, taking excessive carbohydrates and not doing exercise will converts carbs into sugar which could end up becomes body fat.

I hope this provides you a basic guide to improve your body. Good luck! =)

J-son Yau

Friday, July 25, 2014

How our face reveals our body health status?

Today I am ready to share some information about face acne since its useful to my sensitive acne blemish skin. I hope this helps you too for people who can same problems as me.

The video below aren't the most detailed complete information to read about parts of your face shows the problems of your body organs but is worth watching to know some basics and I will also show a link below this video to read another article which covers more and much complete information about acne and body health.

To read more detailed information on full different parts of your face showing different parts of your body health conditions, click the link below:

Saturday, July 5, 2014

What is beauty? what is sexy? human nature and religious?

Recent local Facebook news about famous fb stars on someone convert religion and wear Hijab and Red People star look super handsome but a MV reveals his body size. Its kind of alerts me I have to be aware and reminded me, famous is a temporary thing, what comes around goes around, what comes up must goes down. Thats why I from time to time shows photos of real me with inconsistent pimples, my sexuality.

I just want you all to know we aren't plastic, we can't be consistently porcelain skin and perfect body and perfect dressing with perfect behaviour or attitude and consistent belief. What are we to judge people's marriage and measure people's true love. I know some people out there dislike me for being so "open" or too skin revealing, sexy in photos and told me I am ugly too. I am sorry to any parents or religious people for my page existence. I know my responsibility, education is important and society sometimes can be ugly.

“To all the girls that think you’re fat because you’re not a size zero, you’re the beautiful one, its society who’s ugly.” - Marilyn Monroe.

She is right about the definition of beauty being distorted by society. But I have to say healthily beautiful is still important, and being overweight is really not that good still from a health perspective.

I know what I do on photos can be somewhat sexy, naughty, kinky or bad boy or crazy. But I want to say that's part who I am or who the inner me but I do not encourage anyone to be like me. Nice to see but it ain't not just fun and play. It is just visual entertainment which may trigger your desire. At the same time its my achievement of my body workout which I personally felt its nice to show and inspire people. I am from advertising design field, and I like drawing since young. It just like when I draw something nice, then I have to show and share to other people. If not, what am I drawing for? It must have a message to deliver through a medium to a certain audience.  More importantly is as long as I know what I am doing and not involve into wrong direction like my partner told me, as long as you know what you are doing and not simply going out there play sex or raw sex with people like a jerk, not loving yourself, not taking care of yourself. Meaning I am just doing what I like doing on a visual medium, a canvas and not ended up like a FOC whore looking for fun without thinking. Which I do not wish my fans are like that too.  Boys will be boys, but you can just watch porn or something and just jerk and end. Or do safe sex and always make things clear with who you wanna involve without lies. We all were silly humans and we all grown in time, learn to be wise and careful. Orgasm or "ovaries explode" won't give you anything good valuable productive day for life. "Productive" I mean money, or works towards your life goal.

I sometimes treat it as art, as my passion, as who I am. Sometimes I treat it as commercial art, as in "sex sells", "sex-appeal" in advertising industry.  Its our human nature that we are attracted to beautiful things and its our hormones that attracted to "sexy-licious " thing. And at the same time, its really not anything sexy at all if you know there's how many people including children  out there get HIV or AIDs without safety awareness happening around the world.

Neither this can be sexy at all, but it deserves your attention.

This shows that humans are attracted to sexy things. I know we are attracted to more than just sexy, beautiful, creative, fun, awesome, happy things according to how many senses we have.

So, ya I am sorry to the religious conservative people out there. But I am who I am, I will still be doing what I love with knowledge. Knowledge is the important key to freedom to decide how we think, including you and me.

"Some people like it when I show my ass, and some people think it's obscene. Judgement over compassion, and fear over love, and that is obscene."  - Madonna.

Think again.

Monday, June 30, 2014

My Experience in Pink Dot 2014

I am not sure where to write or how to start but I want to make it short if possible but its more than one sentence i can describe my this year experience at Pink Dot Sg. At first, I am Malaysian and its not being approved to have such event here as public event to create awareness and support and acceptance. And there's always a mixed feeling when attend our neighbour country Pink Dot event. I felt happy to have so much love from the people who wear pink shirt , gathering here and support the freedom to love. This year, I was told there will be group of people wearing white to protest or against LGBT or Pink Dot event, I was initially worried. Plus, on my way to Hong Lim Park for Pink Dot event, I saw one family on the street, one look like the mum, and one daughter and one uncle.

I not really know what's the whole scene is about but I just heard the mum asked and nagged, " why you always make your own decision without our approval? why you so stubborn?" the little girl I think she is about 10-13  years old I not sure and she dressed in pink tee where as mom wore white collar shirt.  The little girl was a little scare and afraid to answer once her mum asked. It was just a few blocks away from Hong Lim Park, near the hotel I stayed. I maybe thinking too much about the pink and white shirts. But if  what I heard is true and the whole scene i saw is about Pink Dot. Then I was not really prepare for the people who against it. Because I also heard to invite the people who wore white to participate Pink Dot, to let them understand what is Pink Dot.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Mr. Utopia Preliminary Round + My 1st Totomomo Underwear Review: ManView Jockstrap

Hello everyone, I know I have not been very active lately again on my blogging but I am here again! =)
Well, I got into the preliminary round of Mr. Utopia contest but I didn't got into the Final Round which I was partially expected because of my lack of stage presence and confidence and also being the thinnest guy among the contestants. So, because I didn't plan and expect to win, I just plan to enjoy the show and have fun doing something silly. There's a round where you need to do what is your dream/ ambition is which you need to wear an outfit or costume which present your dream/ ambition. And I decided to just entertain the gay bar as I thought Utopia bar is gay and so does the contest. I brought the S&M leather belts and underwear but I wore a black jeans pants as I still worry about being too revealing if the contest judges and organiser didn't plan to go that far and I also worry that I will be treated as being a slut or b**ch hahaha. But I know at least I can get your attention.  

All the contestants arrived early before the night starts and had rehearsals a few times to calm us down to be less nervous when the actual contest starts. I was happy to have the chance to make new friends and know more people in the contest and I was lucky enough to have friends to fetch me to the contest. But still, maybe I was too nervous or the backstage is too dark and I got bad memory. I can't find my wallet after I changed my clothes to get ready for second part of the show and that turned my mood down from high and happy. And so the third part of the show, my heart is just wanted to quickly finish the night and go make my police report and sleep. I was so emotional because all I remember the third part of the show is to strip off your shirt and pose and I got no full stage presence as I did the posing fast and runway walk fast too. Plus, there's crowd screaming much for me either, I was sad.

I was kinda too emo that the next morning I cried as I felt, no one really liked me on that night contest. I mean I know I won't win, but couldn't we at least just pretend we enjoy the night? HAHAHA how delusional I was back then. And I had a song playing in my head which is "Lies" by Marina and the Diamonds. But then, my partner decided to bring me go temple pray for the lost of wallet as a sign of bad luck. Right before that, I found my wallet! after I canceled all my atm cards and made a police report and checked my bag 3 times. But the following day after the contest, I found my wallet in my bag! And things got lighten up, and I feel happy back again because the wallet is more important than the contest I joined although I lost, but its not my first time being rejected as my journey to success will falls numbers of falling which I believed.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Life like a roller coaster is interesting? Mr. Utopia contest can change my life? I am not perfect.

When I said my life is like a roller coaster, I didn't really mean it in a good way although it may sounds interesting dramatic life. But I don't really prefer dramatic life. And life is never really about timing of early or late, or what's fair or what's not. And Buddha story told us that "Birth, Old, Sick Death" is a fact and a cycle that no one can escape but to accept and learn to treat the cycle as norm and not a kind of suffering.

Timing really is nothing about too early or late in life, we don't get to choose when we die or when will I lost my mum, and so, moving out early to start live alone and try learn to earn money and survive is never too early. Its never too early to learn about being mature in thinking. Being gay is nothing rare or new or very special to write into a book to be read by people nowadays, is just that there's still parts of this planet earth will not accept nor understand.

So what makes me say my life is like a roller coaster? The ups and downs in life, is my late mum that taught me to be less self-centered about my own problem and learn to be more than independent, is my siblings that taught me being the youngest in the family like me doesn't mean I will be loved the most or take the least responsibilities for the family. Is my grandparents had taught me the olden generation life was tougher than my generation and learnt to be savvy but being savvy doesn't mean have to be selfish or steal or own things more than you need.

Being gay and attached and confess to family are another part of my experiencing my journey of life, although we always say gay people is same like straight people, we also have the playboy, the emo, the geek/nerd, the hunky, the good and bad lovers like straight people, just not everyone can see that. So, my partner and I had our hard time to go through confessing to our parents and trying to live together in a room with my partner's mum and I now can called her mum is a sense of being recognised and confirmed/approved relationship is really a comforting news to me. She may not be like my mum to replace what I have lost and regret in life, but it is a lucky thing to be able to be loved like a son and mother. And maybe because I came from a different family background, I found living here with my partner and my "mum" , I feel happier and less stress except for my job and my future career and fitness/health.

I always envy or feel that I am slightly less fortunate when comes to blemish skin like mine and people always ask me why, there's no answer to that, I am just born with weaker immune system and sensitive skin. I am just not gifted with a healthy body and skin to live like the beautiful people that surrounds me in every day life. I am just gifted the acknowledgement to live a healthy lifestyle, I am not born with handsome face, beautiful body and golden key. I have learnt life has never really been fair, and I just have to work double the efforts to be like their standards, its hard and its tiring sometimes, but from here I learnt what's more important is inner beauty than outer beauty, I will still continue to look good on the outside, but when comes to knowing people now I learnt to look from the inner beauty to outer beauty.

Sometimes I respect people who got the wisdom to use his/her body as a marketing tool to earn money like Lady Gaga to get attention and then notice her creativity in art then lastly her music which not everyone able to do that or even accept people who brave enough to do it because of shame and what society shapes our mind and values. The body is a tool of feeling expression and the art to express your soul, also a marketing tool for nowadays society, sex sells, fitness physique sells. etc etc. But if you want to be more than just inspiring or just sexy, you better combine both and have a better message to deliver. You only lived once, so think what can you contribute to the society or what can you do while you are alive and what is the last impression you want people to get before you left the world.

Let's talk about Mr. Utopia contest. Utopia is a gay restaurant and bar. Yes, I finally find a contest that suits me than Malaysia Hunk contest which only for straight guys, but this one also is still a contest about metrosexual, fashionable, smart looking sexy hunk contest. Its, again a contest on confidence and sporting guy who is confident on stage. And again, I feel not so confident again, because I don't have good skin yet nor even have stage talents like dancing or singing or acting, not my strength, but its a good experience and its a chance of life changing to better or not.  But have to be pretty daring to flaunt your body and get attention and make people like you to get votes.

I sometimes always question where I will go or where will I be or belong, I wonder creative marketing exec. job will able to achieve the dreams I want and yet doing what I love such as fitness and health and modelling. I haven't found my path. Will gym trainer and entrepreneur make me happier and stable life.

Life is always the hardest when we always trying to be perfect and inspiring people around me, but once achieve will be the happiest thing happen in life.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Who's Birthday? my story, your knowledge.

Happy Birthday to myself,  I've earned another year of life. Feeling blessed and appreciated. Celebrated two times, one with my family another with my partner and his mum. =) My mind went a little nervous and blank when they asked me to make a wish before blow the candles, I just quickly made a general wish which is " a better year". Basically, I wish for a good health, balance life and stable income and yet able to do the things I love yet able to inspire people or able to give something meaningful/valuable to society from what I love to do, life is about give and take, nothing comes for granted.

Well I think I should share my story a little about my background. I came from a single parent family where my mum passed away more than 3 years ago due to cancer. My family and I have been gone through a tough time from taking care my mum and the family support system, we have issues from family responsibilities, learnt about self responsibilities, self independence, self survival, family values, gratitude, life, prioritise health than job, etc etc. It made me grow up more mentally and spiritually, but also made me more independent and felt lonely without presence of late mum who had conquered a place in my heart.

I will say I became mature on certain family, love life and health perspective but I am not mature in working life perspective yet. I am pretty struggle about letting go about the concept of balance lifestyle when comes to work. Everyone tells me the same thing and I really wish I can prove them wrong but I maybe wrong just because the majority people thinks no such fact is right? Or maybe my real passion is to become a model and also a gym instructor/gym personal trainer because I am more hardworking and willing to commit in getting a good body and healthy eating than my drawing art skill? I doubt myself either.

I came out to my family except some of my relatives when I am with my current boyfriend during the second year. It was tough for my family to take time to understand something unfamiliar to them, to go through what I have been through when I first found out about myself. I was worried so much that I collect a lot of information about gay and how to confess to parents in the best way for us to understand and avoid things turn worse. I had two short term relationships before my current one and I learnt a lot from this relationship about, tolerance, communications, learn from each other, teach each other, patience, understanding, respect and more. I know my partner dislike me being his partner and yet showing a lot of skin taking sexy photos for part time modelling and also self interest and also for side income purpose and he still willing to support me doing what I love doing and doing it right and not mistreat him.

When I was young, I already know I am gay when I always being attracted to male underwear packaging box with the great body male model wearing sexy underwear. And I always feel I want to be just same like them. Its kind of ironic feeling of me being attracted to muscular body and yet feel jealous and frustrated of myself not having such body or not reaching my ideal goal yet. But I know its ain't easy. But that time I have never thought of becoming a model, I just thought I am being a useless narcissist. I was ugly nerdy geek back to younger days until I met my current partner who had polished me, taught me on beauty health. Which also made me have more dreams than just being a fit guy, I want to be wise too. I know I may not be a wisest or smart student material to be perfect, I wish to learn something more from what I interested, healthy diet and also expand my art interest with more diff media, photography.

After one year working as freelance graphic designer, photographer, part time model. I already felt this is not where I wanted to be for the rest of my life. But I feel I don't want abandoned what I have studied and what I was being given with the talent which everyone said so to me when I always think it can be trained. So I got a full time office graphic design relevant job which my friends all told me to gain experience first. I wasn't really feeling this is my dream job or my dream life too or a job that I feel its ok to work hard as what I want for my career life but instead I feel I just want to get a fixed income at the moment.

Which now I not sure shall I invest myself or dive myself into fitness health industry since I prioritise healthy and balanced lifestyle. Will I survive? will I fail? Risk fears me and regret gets me worry of wasting time and efforts but only action will make things come true. I hope I make a decision before mid year comes and I wish luck is on my side to clear my direction of career path. Am I able to commit fully into fitness health and bare the pain of hardships?

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Update on life and workout.

After entering the second month of my probation job as creative marketing, I started to get use of certain routine or a kind of lifestyle I am living for now. Trying to wake up on time to prepare own breakfast, shower, dress up, walk to train station, getting little sweaty and catch the train and bus on time to office for work before 9 a.m.. I have felt the goods and bads of taking train everyday, observe every one of us as human beings on train doing some selfish and some kind actions happening in train.

I have watched people trying to squeeze into the train no matter how full the train has been already filled, showing how selfish are we just so that we can go to work on time and we throw away our shame and face, being bold and forgotten what is the human/moral values. I have seen some people giving way and seats to the needy ones. I have seen a blind man with one eye heavily infected and eye popping out and trying to find his way to make the right call with his mobile phone. I have seen the rich and the poor taking the same train. In short, taking public transport make me and you see the daily lives of the people putting together with contrast, which i think is special of how life surrounds me or us with things like such to remind us something or make me learn from observation of things in life.

Other than working the usual weekdays and getting all dry up by squeezing creative juice and losing my inspiration to create, my desire of wanting to earn more pocket money at my current state, made me continue wanting to find some part time modelling photo shoot and also thinking to sell my next e-photobook. Well, its not all just about the money. Its also something i enjoy doing other than my job when everything goes smooth together. =)
And now I have a deal with Totomomo site open for my fans to sponsor items from Totomomo for my next coming e-photobook which themed "Fantasy/Not Myself" which will be kinky theme and also input my personal concept about fantasy and reality to deliver a small message before browsing the fantasy images like how I did the arrangement from the first e-photobook.

I have people message me about what items can be sponsor from Totomomo or what is my limit to wear for photoshoot such as cock ring or thongs. I will say I can wear that but I will match with another item to get it semi transparent covered or have something peekaboo.

This is my first e-photobook and still selling. To buy via Paypal or more information click the link below:

or you can buy from Totomomo also:

Starting to cope back being active on my facebook page and blog and promoting and selling not many, but still some e-books, and finding sponsors and partners to work with from photographer, to props and concept, ideas, have made me busy lately and slightly lack of sleep. It has put me into doubt and questioning myself what is really best that suits me and make me happy working for, what job can make me happy and keep me going, able to keep me survive? I question myself am I capable of becoming a gym instructor and also a model?  etc etc... I started thinking about studying gym instructor course. I just only know that I enjoy doing workout and also photoshoots. Of course I still do enjoy doing painting, drawings, design and handcraft.

And I saw this article "Interview with Todd Sanfield":
and I realised, it can be done and I am not alone. But I know its going to be really tough. And Todd Sanfield prove to me you can have many dreams but only matters is how you manage it. Am I going to follow and believe on what I am doing multi tasking can achieve success? I still think twice. Not everyone have the same strength and limitation.

I have met a few facebook friends and fan that I have never met before after I have moved to this rented place, and working in KL. I felt happy and lucky for that because after the long day working at office, I get pretty tired and out of drive.

Talk about my workout lately,  I haven't got a fix workout routine weekly. I workout 2- 3 times weekly. If I doing my workout at the condo gym, I will do cycling 100 meter to warm up my body, then I do stretching hands and legs and my back. Then I will do some kicking and some hips workout and planking. Then, I only start using the machine do chest, back, legs again, and lastly abs workout. Each other body parts workout I do 3 sets, each set 10 repetitions,  except for abs workout, I will do 4 sets and each set 20 repetitions. But sometimes I want to stress my muscle more, I will add a few extra reps. I hope this answer to people who had asked me about my workout in personal message before.

I hope I can get more photographers to work with for my e-photobook or for their portfolio too. I also looking for makeup artists or stylists to work with. And I also interested to look for publisher who is willing to publish my e-photobook into hardcopy, let me know the rates and details.