Sunday, February 23, 2014

Life like a roller coaster is interesting? Mr. Utopia contest can change my life? I am not perfect.

When I said my life is like a roller coaster, I didn't really mean it in a good way although it may sounds interesting dramatic life. But I don't really prefer dramatic life. And life is never really about timing of early or late, or what's fair or what's not. And Buddha story told us that "Birth, Old, Sick Death" is a fact and a cycle that no one can escape but to accept and learn to treat the cycle as norm and not a kind of suffering.

Timing really is nothing about too early or late in life, we don't get to choose when we die or when will I lost my mum, and so, moving out early to start live alone and try learn to earn money and survive is never too early. Its never too early to learn about being mature in thinking. Being gay is nothing rare or new or very special to write into a book to be read by people nowadays, is just that there's still parts of this planet earth will not accept nor understand.

So what makes me say my life is like a roller coaster? The ups and downs in life, is my late mum that taught me to be less self-centered about my own problem and learn to be more than independent, is my siblings that taught me being the youngest in the family like me doesn't mean I will be loved the most or take the least responsibilities for the family. Is my grandparents had taught me the olden generation life was tougher than my generation and learnt to be savvy but being savvy doesn't mean have to be selfish or steal or own things more than you need.

Being gay and attached and confess to family are another part of my experiencing my journey of life, although we always say gay people is same like straight people, we also have the playboy, the emo, the geek/nerd, the hunky, the good and bad lovers like straight people, just not everyone can see that. So, my partner and I had our hard time to go through confessing to our parents and trying to live together in a room with my partner's mum and I now can called her mum is a sense of being recognised and confirmed/approved relationship is really a comforting news to me. She may not be like my mum to replace what I have lost and regret in life, but it is a lucky thing to be able to be loved like a son and mother. And maybe because I came from a different family background, I found living here with my partner and my "mum" , I feel happier and less stress except for my job and my future career and fitness/health.

I always envy or feel that I am slightly less fortunate when comes to blemish skin like mine and people always ask me why, there's no answer to that, I am just born with weaker immune system and sensitive skin. I am just not gifted with a healthy body and skin to live like the beautiful people that surrounds me in every day life. I am just gifted the acknowledgement to live a healthy lifestyle, I am not born with handsome face, beautiful body and golden key. I have learnt life has never really been fair, and I just have to work double the efforts to be like their standards, its hard and its tiring sometimes, but from here I learnt what's more important is inner beauty than outer beauty, I will still continue to look good on the outside, but when comes to knowing people now I learnt to look from the inner beauty to outer beauty.

Sometimes I respect people who got the wisdom to use his/her body as a marketing tool to earn money like Lady Gaga to get attention and then notice her creativity in art then lastly her music which not everyone able to do that or even accept people who brave enough to do it because of shame and what society shapes our mind and values. The body is a tool of feeling expression and the art to express your soul, also a marketing tool for nowadays society, sex sells, fitness physique sells. etc etc. But if you want to be more than just inspiring or just sexy, you better combine both and have a better message to deliver. You only lived once, so think what can you contribute to the society or what can you do while you are alive and what is the last impression you want people to get before you left the world.

Let's talk about Mr. Utopia contest. Utopia is a gay restaurant and bar. Yes, I finally find a contest that suits me than Malaysia Hunk contest which only for straight guys, but this one also is still a contest about metrosexual, fashionable, smart looking sexy hunk contest. Its, again a contest on confidence and sporting guy who is confident on stage. And again, I feel not so confident again, because I don't have good skin yet nor even have stage talents like dancing or singing or acting, not my strength, but its a good experience and its a chance of life changing to better or not.  But have to be pretty daring to flaunt your body and get attention and make people like you to get votes.

I sometimes always question where I will go or where will I be or belong, I wonder creative marketing exec. job will able to achieve the dreams I want and yet doing what I love such as fitness and health and modelling. I haven't found my path. Will gym trainer and entrepreneur make me happier and stable life.

Life is always the hardest when we always trying to be perfect and inspiring people around me, but once achieve will be the happiest thing happen in life.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Who's Birthday? my story, your knowledge.

Happy Birthday to myself,  I've earned another year of life. Feeling blessed and appreciated. Celebrated two times, one with my family another with my partner and his mum. =) My mind went a little nervous and blank when they asked me to make a wish before blow the candles, I just quickly made a general wish which is " a better year". Basically, I wish for a good health, balance life and stable income and yet able to do the things I love yet able to inspire people or able to give something meaningful/valuable to society from what I love to do, life is about give and take, nothing comes for granted.

Well I think I should share my story a little about my background. I came from a single parent family where my mum passed away more than 3 years ago due to cancer. My family and I have been gone through a tough time from taking care my mum and the family support system, we have issues from family responsibilities, learnt about self responsibilities, self independence, self survival, family values, gratitude, life, prioritise health than job, etc etc. It made me grow up more mentally and spiritually, but also made me more independent and felt lonely without presence of late mum who had conquered a place in my heart.

I will say I became mature on certain family, love life and health perspective but I am not mature in working life perspective yet. I am pretty struggle about letting go about the concept of balance lifestyle when comes to work. Everyone tells me the same thing and I really wish I can prove them wrong but I maybe wrong just because the majority people thinks no such fact is right? Or maybe my real passion is to become a model and also a gym instructor/gym personal trainer because I am more hardworking and willing to commit in getting a good body and healthy eating than my drawing art skill? I doubt myself either.

I came out to my family except some of my relatives when I am with my current boyfriend during the second year. It was tough for my family to take time to understand something unfamiliar to them, to go through what I have been through when I first found out about myself. I was worried so much that I collect a lot of information about gay and how to confess to parents in the best way for us to understand and avoid things turn worse. I had two short term relationships before my current one and I learnt a lot from this relationship about, tolerance, communications, learn from each other, teach each other, patience, understanding, respect and more. I know my partner dislike me being his partner and yet showing a lot of skin taking sexy photos for part time modelling and also self interest and also for side income purpose and he still willing to support me doing what I love doing and doing it right and not mistreat him.

When I was young, I already know I am gay when I always being attracted to male underwear packaging box with the great body male model wearing sexy underwear. And I always feel I want to be just same like them. Its kind of ironic feeling of me being attracted to muscular body and yet feel jealous and frustrated of myself not having such body or not reaching my ideal goal yet. But I know its ain't easy. But that time I have never thought of becoming a model, I just thought I am being a useless narcissist. I was ugly nerdy geek back to younger days until I met my current partner who had polished me, taught me on beauty health. Which also made me have more dreams than just being a fit guy, I want to be wise too. I know I may not be a wisest or smart student material to be perfect, I wish to learn something more from what I interested, healthy diet and also expand my art interest with more diff media, photography.

After one year working as freelance graphic designer, photographer, part time model. I already felt this is not where I wanted to be for the rest of my life. But I feel I don't want abandoned what I have studied and what I was being given with the talent which everyone said so to me when I always think it can be trained. So I got a full time office graphic design relevant job which my friends all told me to gain experience first. I wasn't really feeling this is my dream job or my dream life too or a job that I feel its ok to work hard as what I want for my career life but instead I feel I just want to get a fixed income at the moment.

Which now I not sure shall I invest myself or dive myself into fitness health industry since I prioritise healthy and balanced lifestyle. Will I survive? will I fail? Risk fears me and regret gets me worry of wasting time and efforts but only action will make things come true. I hope I make a decision before mid year comes and I wish luck is on my side to clear my direction of career path. Am I able to commit fully into fitness health and bare the pain of hardships?