Sunday, December 22, 2013

Full time office job, typical asian working life.

How should I start write this post this time? I kind of lost of not knowing where shall I start after the Tokyo, Japan trip. I got a full time office job, creative marketing job. A typical being told is a 9 a.m. to 6.30p.m. job, sounds fair enough, an 8 hours daily job. But unfortunately, as we all or some of us have already know, this is a 9 - 7 or 8pm job or more. A very generic, general asian working office life.

I was being told to get used to it, such life as almost fully committed job. And sometimes I need to work on Saturday's night event job as a cameraman or photographer taking photos to promote their company active events all year round.  Well, its not something very bad if you love what you do, you will eventually willing to commit such and be there for the company always.

Let's talk about the benefits working as a Creative Marketing Executive in a "China-man" kind of company work flow and system. You can say I'm being stereotype on "China-man" company, but you cannot simply just say I am racist as I am a Malaysian Chinese too. I am just saying based on my personal experiences and point of views. Let's start, working in a new Creative Marketing department, you get to experience working a few labels, or sister's or children of the company products all by yourself or with one senior. You'll learnt to adapt the tough environment as "one-leg-kick" (one-man show) doing all, multi-tasking, know how to protect yourself by knowing your position responsibilities, your boundaries in order not to get bullied by other departments or employees asking you doing unnecessary tasks.

You'll learn to be independent, self discipline, workaholic to finish work on time or deal with very last minute amendments stress environment. And also, you'll get to broaden your networks through marketing events and deal with suppliers and know about the advertising rates.

Now, the disadvantages. Like I said, you will love your job if this is the life you want. But if you view from a healthy lifestyle perspective, it isn't really that healthy working long hours, not enough rest, no time to go relax or even exercise or practise a healthy lifestyle. Working long hours and less rest, relaxing hours will eventually, really, make you dumb as your mind didn't get to rest but constantly, squeezing for ideas and creative juice than having time to relax and get inspired, get fully charged to battle the next coming day.

So, how do I feel after 3 weeks of working as Creative Marketing Executive? which still under probation. Well, I have mixed feelings, because I still do design, its still one of things that interests me. But maybe I have mixed dreams of the ideal life of mine, being a model, doing art stuff, living a healthy life, inspires people. And being not popular model won't have fixed income and you have to invest money and time for keeping up a good looking body and face. I like being handsome or sexy fit model. At the same time, my talent is art, design, graphic design, photography. I am not given the talent to own the stage or even have the height to walk the runway. I am not that friendly to talk to strangers or make friends. I feel kind of tired rushing design works in the office for the whole day till night, not having dinner on time, no time to go body workout between 8.30 to 10pm time slot that I prefer,

Somehow I have slowly started to accept the way of a creative marketing or graphic designer life after a few times working from internship, my first short 2 months web designer job, my one year freelance designer job and my friends and sister telling me the same kind of lifestyle. I have to somehow accept the fact and no escape for it. I hope things can change over time on working lifestyle.

Starting a new job and moving out from family and staying with my partner in renting room with his mum is a whole new beginning. There's a saying, the starting point of everything will always be the hardest time. I hope i will still remember the life I want to live in than accepting the real life and let the reality shape me and become someone who I am not.  At this stage, I always wonder will i ever be the guy that I dream to become, and struggle to make a living with a fixed job which may not be what I desire the most but just the talent I have to keep me alive than doing what I love.

Starting a new job on a Christmas month have made me not being in the mood for Christmas nor even for New Year or Chinese New Year. I have mixed feelings as I feel I am back to zero again and there's so much more things waiting me to make the next milestone of my life. I have worked freelance jobs for a year, from graphic designer to photo touch up, photography to modelling, modelling to handcraft. I didn't get to achieve my dreams in this year though. I didn't get to win or get a full time modelling job, I didn't get to move the next stage or phase of my body shape as my target to get slightly hunkier than slim fit. I lost my car, I lost some of my self portraits and modelling photos, I didn't win any contest. I didn't get to try make own business, I don't have partners to work with. I got so much to learn.

It makes me feel the year end too soon and I have no choice to accept the truth. I am only human and I admit I dream too big, but I only lived once. I wish i can inspires people, but I don't think I am qualify to be a good role model to everyone as I have my imperfections and I am gay, plu. I have came out to my family but not my relatives, I am in a relationship with my partner for 3 years now and we staying together now with his mum in one small renting room.  And I worked as model for drawing class before, took sexy photos by photographer before, self portrait sexy kinky themes before. Will you still think I am a good role model to learn from? having underwear fetish or love to exhibit my fit body when I did my part on putting efforts to get good shape. People sometimes ask why wanna show or flaunt good body as some people just keep it for their lover or just self interest, no need be so showy. But that's just me, I just think if i paid my efforts on working hard for body, I feel i wanna show, some sort of proud, but I also won't show when I not having a good body shape. It gives me some sort of confidence. Its like, when one artist draw or paint an artworks, one would want to have audience to express the artwork to. I guess humans can't really just be alone, we always need someone or something to express and share to show the results, to deliver a message, to love and be loved.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Lost my car, Trip to Japan. Ups and Downs

I have been not active updating my blog for quite some time since the last post. Many things happened like a roller coaster lately. And I'm still working as Freelance Graphic Designer, Freelance Photographer and part time model. But I'm applying and searching my ideal Graphic Design job lately and started attending job interview.

Who am I to have the privilege for asking, getting or choosing an ideal job instead of the job choose me when comes to reality in this competitive industry. I do question myself and also asked myself what can I offer or give in return by working in the company. Basically, I really answer instantly other than I have the passion in illustration art and design as long as there's something sparkle me, inspire me and keep me driven. So, I think its dual parties efforts completing, harmonise  each other, if I get to work in a good working environment of the company, I will get the spirit to contribute back to the company.

For the past few weeks or months have been ups and down for me. I not only decided to take the guts to enter Asia New Star Model Search competition, representing the nerds or geeks like me to try to be an example for them if I can be a model and so can they, it just matter of passion and will to learn and risk to change for the better.

Although I didn't get into the finalists and being such a thick face joining the contest that really seems impossible or maybe not suitable for me or yet so much more to learn for me as a geek to transform into a full model who is presentable not only in front of the camera but also at public events or occasions. But I am still very glad and happy that I have took the chance to experience something different which not everyone of us would normally do from ordinary people's point of view such as me. And I am happy I got into semi finalists and my friends and my small group of fans/supporters encouraged me to join and glad that at least tried and got into semi finalists better than nothing or never try.

(Left image: Was captured as contestant photo)

I was excited for a moment when I got into the semi finalists but at the same day they announced for the finalists and I got eliminated.

It was like so happy that I make it for a moment and being crushed on the next moment happened shortly on the same day. I was at first having little hard time to digest the situation although I do know I wasn't the best looking or the most experienced, most confident model among them. So, I accepted my failure. I was having a long time thinking what if I did conquer my fear and nervousness and be a little more confident, I would have got in. What if I did deliver my speech or my message completely, I would have got in, etc. etc.....

What if there is no "what if" is the fact that woke me up and just move on doing the next thing for my life. Its not the end just because I lost in one competition, and its not the end of the world or life just because I might not be suitable, successful in modelling, I see myself still having other values and strength or skills in me from what I learnt and studied. Failure after failure, you might get a success after learning the mistakes from all the accumulated failure experiences.

Things didn't go as smooth as it seems after that, I have some personal issues and I decided I need to move out staying with friend or my partner to learn some independence without over relying on family or over tolerating some lifestyle habits which I found not working for the better. I may be wrong, but I think sometimes the best way to learn and grow maybe by falling hard or try to slowly stepping out form the comfort zone into a new environment. I am scare and worry at the same time, but I have seen my friends where their hometowns are nowhere near to the city and have moved to a totally very new, unfamiliar place to grow, start from zero. Because starting from zero, you have very limited choices and options. You will tend learn have the patience to bare certain harsh bad situation and willing to work for any bad situations just to make the end meets. Which I think, I found myself have not learn such yet entirely, I guess. I was pretty stubborn prioritising living a balanced healthy lifestyle which I guess many of you will say that is what boss will think about or maybe living one now.

But because from what I experienced from my late mum who died of cancer, I realised health comes first before job or money or passion. If one health doesn't maintained well, one basically having everything falls apart. So, I believed strongly in having a well balanced lifestyle by living wisely, but of course that cannot be an excuse for not working hard, but work enough for all kinds of things in life.

As I mentioned things didn't go well, I lost my car, not exactly my car. I will say its my dad's car that have lived with us, me since the year I was born. It have been with me for 23 years. My car was stolen just where I parked my car right in front of my house. I loved that car is not because its some kind of fancy or branded or expensive car. In fact, it wasn't. It is just a low or middle class Proton car which I find it suits my status perfectly as I am just a freelance graphic designer, photographer and model, no fixed income yet, no good stable income too. I got pretty frustrated when I lost my car during this time when I planning to move out, I had a oversea trip coming on next two weeks after the day my car stolen and was planning to get a job and go for job interviews. Questions start popping in my head and finding solutions to the problems without personal transport.

And previously, my partner did suggested to me about fund raising for facebook modelling page by giving away my photos or a photobook for those who donate money to me for raising fund to pursue my modelling career or other related purposes. But I wasn't having great faith and confidence in me after some time of not getting a permanent modelling career. I feel a little lost and worry as I wonder will my fans support me on fund raising, or will there be buyers for my photobook and who willing to be publishing. But after I lost my car, I felt I have a big lost that I am responsible to cover my lost quickly. Plus, I am not sure will I ever have more modelling photo shoots again in future or will my dream of being a successful hunk achieved as I see myself still a slim fit guy till present and not having a fixed income and fix working time to manage a fix body workout time and eat healthily, sleep on time etc, etc...  Thus, I decided to do a compilation of my modelling photos into an e-book with some never seen before photos or footages or some censored photos as I referred to some other male model photobook have similar content. And also, part of me know that partially my fans like to see the sexy me and I part of me like to be sexy or being a little exhibitionist as I like showing my slim fit muscular body. But at the same time, I feel I don't want just make a sexy book or adult porn-like book. I don't want my fans to see me just being sexy, or just empty shell flaunting good body seeking for attention for no better reason other than self vain. Or being misunderstood thinking I am just being a slut or porn star. I was afraid being judged and receiving very bad criticism from people but at the same time I know what or who I am or what am I doing, as long as I am not hurting anyone, teaching or misguiding people the bad things, I am just going to remain being me. And I understand that I can't make everyone loves me, and not everyone will understand me or know me or even my works. Its a definite that some people hate, some people like. Not everyone understand or interpret your works accurately.

I was asking myself, what do I want them to get or receive from my ebook other than just visually appealing? what can I give to them that worth their money paying on the book. In the end, I decided not to make a fully commercialised. I wanted to be able to communicate with my readers and want them to have something to ponder on or know about me before they enjoy those sexy photos. So I made some artsy, conceptual photos combination with words and quotes. I wrote about being sexy is not about sexy physically but sexy in wisdom, smart, sexy physically is a bonus attraction and healthy is still important and not an excuse to say being sexy mentally is better and reject doing exercise for health.

Here is the e-book teaser and is now selling. To find out more information about this e-book on facebook, click here. 

Everything seems turned out fine. The launching date was fine, there are interested buyers on my e-book. Just when I selling two days later, my external hard disk dead where all my working files and modelling photos are in that disk. I felt I am just out of some luck. I was having the plan to making the second e-book if the first book turned out great as I still have more new photos have not published or shown before. But the lucky thing was I still have the e-book copy with me so I can still continue selling the e-book.

Shortly after that, I went to Japan with my partner as we already book the ticket earlier on. It was a temporary escape from the bad days I was having. I had a good relaxing trip and experienced the Japanese culture in Tokyo. I learnt that Japanese prioritise manners, sincerity, efficiency, productivity and expressive. But at the same time, from my perspective, I felt because of heavily prioritise manners and status, respect towards different status or position of people. I observed that some of them tend to judge or see people differently based on appearance, the clothes you wear etc. But they are also people who would care less what people say and wear with style like cosplay or different sense of fashion where you can find them in Harajuku other than just being the majority people there who wear suit and tie, or looking classy beautiful, fashionable.

I love how convenient of their train stations interlinked with different lines underground. So that, there is less demand on cars and more on public transport and walk a lot. Healthy but can be exhausting sometimes. They don't have much bench or chairs at the underground paths to maintain good traffic and not heavy crowd jam underground. Everyone is keep moving and spending time to the fullest, they mostly read books in train. No public rubbish bins to be found as their culture is to bring their rubbish back to home. And you will find how convenient and independent, great variety of options from food to clothes, clothes to health supplements.

I think that's all for now, I wish I can write more but its late night now. More things to prepare tomorrow. Wish me luck and good luck to you too.

Don't just follow blindly what society dos and don'ts, but just do what you think you should or shouldn't that is right and be true to yourself.

Lastly, I would like to share this to you all.

Good night.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Stylin' by Azuki Bean a.k.a. Jeremy Teh

As you all might have seen my previous photoshoots are mostly topless or sexy theme revealing much of my skin, but this time consider very first time I got to wear more clothes and looking fashionably editorial with a great makeover by fashion stylist, who is new and exploring, funny character, Azuki Bean also known as Jeremy Teh. Its our second time work together, he is very determined, dedicated to doing what he loves which is styling and fashion. We do always have some different opinions when working as a team but I think that having different opinions or discussion or arguments in working a project able to make better amendment, enhancement improving the idea together which could never go wrong, as long as communicating right in delivering the message.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

The Antler Man

Finally, after so many days of not updating my blog. I've been busy being a photographer and photo touch up artist on my travelling photos lately and got featured in one of the travel magazine's exhibition at One Utama, The Ledge Gallery which was held on 26th August 2013 till 1st September 2013.
Anyway, this photoshoot I did with stylist, Azuki Bean a.k.a. Jeremy Teh and photographed by my friend, Shahin a.k.a Sean was eventually one of my dream photoshoot to try on, so we were just doing this project for self interest but also for portfolio and art/costume/antler lovers or you can say is my passion into doing such. I was happy to have my friend to help out for being the photographer for me as he was busy working.

Friday, July 5, 2013

My Body language, my face features and my imperfections are my identity.

Well, after I have done a few similar kinds of photoshoot, the handsome, the pretty or the cute, funny, sexy, cool and hot photos, the conceptual and emotive. I think its time to work with Mei Fern again for another conceptual emotive black and white photos. This time I'm going to be taken photos rawly with photo touch ups or makeup on face. So will be the raw imperfect me as I have blemish on face. But to comfort myself and its kind of true also that my imperfections are also my identity to define and distinguish me from other people. Although I do wish my skin can get better one day. =) But this photoshoot is not mainly capturing my face but also my body structure, my bone structure and my body language.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Ade/ Adrian Wong Wolf Boy

 I personally thank Adrian Wong for transforming me into something different than the usual me being seen on the other photos from make up to hairstyle and photos. Do hope we get to work together again in future.

Trip to Singapore: Photoshoots+ Pink Dot

Its my third time going to Pink Dot event as a foreigner to support the freedom to love.  My partner and I at first were just wanting to support the event and experience the crowd which filled with big big hearts from everyone. But after the first time we went, it became something that we always attend to show our supports annually like our honey moon. This time is same like last year but just gotten more people and I decided to do something more different which is to hug stranger who offer free hugs. I hugged two girls and I feel they are brave having a big heart to give love to the people in Pink Dot.

When I saw the Singapore flag hung by the helicopters and flew by Hong Lim Park field, my mind is saying I'm kind of sad or disappointed that Malaysia can't able to do this or accept such event and gone big issue talking about religions not accepting LGBT people. I felt Malaysia will have a long way to go before can reach the same standard or culture with Singapore. I felt the difference in terms of education, maturity and civilisation.

Anyway, my partner and I went there for 4 days and we caught up with his friends working in Singapore and tasted some food from certain restaurants which not in Malaysia yet such as Skinny Pizza and Tsukada Nojo ( collagen chicken soup).

This is the Skinny Pizza, its crispy and crunchy as it is thin pizza. We've ordered the Wild Truffled Mushroom pizza and another is Bolognese with Mozzarella. We had side dishes which are Sweet Potato Nibblets,  One quarter metre Long Sausage, and Seared Brie Cheese.

I didn't get to try more food because I was still conscious about food as I was having two photoshoots on separate days. Its my very first time went to Singapore for photoshoot and work together with Singaporeans which I enjoyed as they are friendly and serious at work at the same time. I had fun working with them.

This is the first photoshoot I had with Adrian Wong who knows makeup and hairstyle. So he is a photographer, MUA and a hairstylist. One-leg kick talented man. This is the makeup he put on my face with fake eyelashes, thick eyebrows, perfect looking skin and nice hairstyle. And I have think how to pose or express my facial expression without looking feminine as I had my fake eyelashes. Its a new challenge to me. The second photoshoot wasn't allow to have any photos taken during the shoot.

This also my first time to agreed photographed nude photos from photographer who I have never work with at all. I still remain not wanting showing my frontal in the full nude artsy photos. So, they will be covered with my legs or hands or just showing my back. I still do not prefer to have my genitals shown to public.

Well, as some of you might wonder just like me when I'm not ready to be nude about reason why nude. But after hearing the explanation and experience, I understand that to begin with nude, you have faced the biggest fear of yourself in modelling industry. When you've faced the greatest fear of being nude, you will naturally fear less or nothing when you trying to pose from wearing nothing to wearing something. It will just somehow make you forget about the worries on trying to pose best and cover something. But of course, do not simply nude for photographer, but with trusted photographer and don't nude for the wrong purposes. There's fine line between pornography and artistic / fashion and others.

I will post the photos on the next post. Hope you guys enjoy =)

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Underwear Photoshoot

This time I try to model underwear for a friend's online clothing store. Its a self portrait with remote control on my hand clicking away to snap, haha. I felt kinda silly and funny at the same time when trying to get the camera senses my remote control and have to be still with my poses. I tried to do a few different styles of me with different underwear and different props to show the online store do sell different underwear for different kinds of people. There are the smart looking geek, the sporty athlete, the cute fun sailor, the wild gogo dancer. HAHA.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Jason Oung Photography

Hello everyone! Sorry for lack of updates for a long time. I have been busy doing freelance design jobs lately and finally got time to update some of my modelling works. This was taken few months back I think is during March if not mistaken when I was having longer hair. Jason Oung and I thought to doing sexy theme photo shoot so we did a few under garments or underwear photo shoots. I feel very secure and nice working with him again.

To see more of his photography works, you can click here:

Monday, April 8, 2013

Pastel Love Theme

 Pastel colour fashion trend may have been outdated in certain countries, but I still very love the colour palette and the pastel fashion trend. So, I decided to do this idea by myself. But I do think very long time of whether want to try pink hair because I know it will be not allowed or complained by my parent if I dyed this hair permanently. So I ended up dyed my hair light brown and then use pink chalk to temporary colour my hair pink for this photo shoot. But I wouldn't able to do this without my partner's help and friends' supports and courages.

I colour my hair with pink chalk while my hair is wet and then blow dry my hair. It becomes chalky and stiff hair. So its not suitable to even style my hair with wax or anything else except hair spray. Thus, when doing blow dry the hair, I have blow my hair close to the shape I want.
I decided to hand sew a faded blue soft jeans bow tie to match my pink formal collar long sleeve shirt and matched with a purple slim fit denim pants.

The Guy Next Door / Party Boy

Self portrait photos with party theme cute and sexy theme as there are people feel I more suitable to try cute photo theme than just sexy and cool theme.  And I hope this can show the more fun, party, cute  or boyish side of me.

Second time photoshoot by Jason Oung

 Its my second time working with Jason Oung. This time we have become more communication and less gap between us. Thus, this time easier and more daring to pose infront of the camera without camera shy. But this time we photographed two different days. One is having my long hair and one is have cut shorter. This time we tried some like fashion photoshoot with bath tub and some is more like underwear model photoshoot.

Overall I do notice my body have became thinner or still the same or less muscular due to recently less consistent body workout routine and more on doing freelance graphic design works and photos editing.