Friday, February 8, 2013

When good things hardly come, or good things come to an end.

I don't know how many of you being criticized before or being told something like because you are thin, so you are easier to gain lean abs, or because you are fat, thats why you easy to gain big muscles or big chest. But above all that, do not care what people says when you know best about how much effort you have put or how long how hard you have sustaining or reaching your goal. Never let them bring you down with their words or eyes, you define and shape yourself as who you are or what you want to become, I know its hard to be what you want when you aren't surrounded by inspiring  environment or even harder you're at the stage or trying to make a living with a job or given talent that seems hard to tolerate with your ideal dream.

I have to say no matter you are thin or fat, nobody will get abs without any hard works. I started abs workout on and off since I was 12 until now. It wasn't consistent but I never give up on my abs before as I have the desire to be muscular or at least fit guy.

And I can understand how hard for people who are similar or same with me, an advertising design graduated degree student or a graphic designer, who actually have much almost equal amount of passion in design world as well as health and fitness field when comes to reality, you know designer's life who if isn't self employed or you being your own boss, you maybe most probably spending longer time at work than at gym or even eating.

I have to come clean that my first job after my graduation I did screwed up on getting a job that isn't really my ideal job where passion and patience really got tested surrounded in a environment where you feel every one here is just want to live a normal straight people life and I don't know whether its ok to confess that I am gay will be accepted and not being fired as one of the reasons. Second, I am not sure I wrote about it before, but in the nutshell, I think I am a person who needs to be guided when comes to working in something unfamiliar during probation time and I do not like to be lied by worker, no matter you are boss or my senior, you cannot lie hiding the fact that there's a mountain of works being left by the previous designer before I came and then I have to work like a mad dog in a small company. Its fine if my other parts of my life are very not rely on myself dealing with things, but I personally have to do house chores for my house and its not only for myself as I living in a single parent family.

Yes, my bad on not having the big patience to prolong working on a job for at least a year, I quitted when my senior officially change to sales department after my one and the half month of probation, I felt not making sense when I only got one senior to learn from, I spent 8 to 10 hours in the office everyday, and being told I have to self learn and self motivate and self update for ideas and new technologies, I clearly know this is not for me because I know myself that I don't want any further sleepless nights like I used to have in university life, I just want a well balanced life for my family, my work and my dream and fitness health.

Maybe because I have deeply affected on my mum passed away due to cancer which led me greatly alert on health. Not only that reason, as you may know as I repetitively mentioned before I have weak immune system since young, easy get those little illness or skin rashes etc and I got weaker after my university life.

And now being jobless and trying work on my own, self employed, testing many kinds of art relevant works, experimenting, I still face family pressure or stress as I living with them. I know sometimes I can choose not to listen or care, but there are times I feel I've reached the bottle neck stage, emotion is greatly affected and loyalty to passion and dream really got tested when surrounded by very little supporters.

There also times I feel is very impossible for me in such situation now and still wanting to be model when I know basically for male model industry in Malaysia, no one will look for thin male model, and I need spend more money on gaining weight as well as work harder to earn more money before I can even get into modelling world when I don't really have the model look or even special face features to be remember and also blemish sensitive face.

Thus, I have set a deadline for myself straight away after few trials to find part time or permanent modelling jobs. I had much struggle when I decided to block this road temporary and focus on other things to start up little business or get a permanent job where my strengths are if I am unable to really make a living nor heading closer to goals by doing what I am currently doing. Decided to give up trying to get the goal of being the perfect man with perfect packages from inside and out when February ends since I used to be ugly from the start. But that doesn't mean is the end of what I began here. But youth have a limit as this is the fact, I still have many works to do, racing with the time of youth.

Never let anyone's false statements and false critiques bring you down until you bring yourself down by reality effects for survival. It takes more than just exercise, to get a tough, lean, well defined body.

Manip Mania Photography (Exposed/ Nude Content)

Finally at least have some photos to update, this is combination of 2 different days photoshoot as he told me my first photoshoot have a lot of postures hiding my hands behind.
The photographer, Manip Mania or you can called him Fikri is learning to do photography and fashion by himself as independent as he could be. This point is pretty much me except we working on different fields and I know how the bitterness taste for trying to survive in this reality life.
It was my first time being full nude eventually but I wasn't being told before I came to the photoshoot that I will be full nude. I thought it would be just half nude. But well, its a different experience and challenge for me to naked infront of the camera and have confident and still remain professional as model. I think I won't do another naked shoot next time, because really cross my boundaries, the most I can accept must have something to cover my genitals, I don't mind expose my hips but in a artistic conceptual way will be better than giving people too much sex appeal.

All these photos were taken in his own sewing room which is also his bedroom and also his studio room. What a space saving multifunctional room, he amazed me with how thoughtful he was trying to make his dreams become achievable by making the dreams living with him everyday although is not yet a great success as we all always pictured ourselves with our big dreams achieved with our own big working space or workshop. But at least he is making what his dream job living with him daily as a stepping stone to get closer to his dream.