Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Friday, December 18, 2015

It just depends how to see things, go shock or go home?

Today I just want to write about certain things I've experienced and have thoughts about the things and also clarify things. I am doing OK, no worries.

First thing first, about the nude photos being leaked online. I wrote things about it like "my penis is more famous than me in person, my body and face, my talents." Well, I am not nagging or whining about it like a complaint but more like a statement of truth or a fact. I made fun of myself about that statement and at the same time reflecting how the society are as part of the world we live in. Yes,  the only frustrated thing I have is the leaked photos which initially for selling as pocket money or salary. And this next thing, I said before and I am going to say again, almost all the photoshoot I've worked are not paid, either the photographers think they shouldn't pay because they thinks they should get paid for photographing you (which is arguable point and they aren't wrong either). or they are poor financially photographers who looking for low budget portfolio for themselves. Or we both have this idea we both agreed or like to do and we tried. So all these we came with conditions because I don't have much money and I want to make money from making nice model photos work together with photographer. I asked to have the photos for my e-photobook and at the same time, they can use the photos for themselves too but with notification and permissions. So, I can earn my money from the photoshoot which I don't get paid.

About the nude photos of me, many friends of mine worry because they never really know what modelling jobs I worked for although they heard of me selling e-photobooks. And also maybe their mind find this as a negative thing for taking nude photos. I am not upset because of having the nude photos photographed and leaked. Because from the moment I agree to take nude photos, I know what am I doing and I treat these as my modelling job, artwork or portfolio which I made.  I only upset because no credits given either photographers or me and the photos are for commercial purposes and not for free. Many my friends who aren't from this model industry or photography will stereotypically thinks all models are just model for clothes, products, services, TVC talents. Which is yes, if you are lucky enough, unique enough, outstanding attractive and are the one who majority likes, your career is smoother than baby oil. And there are still models for work for artistic photoshoot, or art and makeup photoshoot, photography have many categories. Depends what you want to try, the niche market or the competitive market. For me, I'm not popular or special and often do not get model for any clothing or products except underwear or underwear with plain t-shirt only, so I started up trying to be model for sexy or nude photography where most models don't do. It is not only try to give myself an extra path to go, but also overcome my fear being in front of camera. Once I've experienced nude in front of camera, you get to be more relax or more focus on posing right with or without clothes than having worry thoughts showing up at my face.

And of course, I will never know what's the best way to tell my family and not planning to tell since they aren't even happy when I trying modelling jobs at the first place, don't even think about telling being nude model.

Exposing yourself to nudity might not sounds as bad as you can imagine. It's like sex, the more you try to hide sex knowledge to younger generation, the more they eager to know or find out by themselves. Why not just educate them that nudity is nothing to be afraid of, it just part of your body and learn how to see as norm than trying to over reacting or sensitive about it, and not always have to link it to dirty things. Its like Japan where they produced many adult content photos or anime etc etc. But they may have used to it as norm that they could make fun of it, or oversee all the lust and see the soul. This doesn't apply to all Japanese but I'm saying what's important is how your mind thinks than treating it as something like end of the world. And it's funny when people responded to Japan's earthquake and nuclear exploded as "karma" than helping out.

Second thing is about manners versus friendship when talking about bad news. Because many friends are kind enough to tell me about my leaked photos, and I get to see how many ways of communicating or delivering bad news. And one of them scolded me as he said my respond sounded nasty. The situation is like this he said "hi, just FYI." and then attached his print screen photo. So, I asked, "then give me the tumblr username at least or the link." then he just said is a reblogged and the source is not found. Which at that time, I was contacting one tumblr user to remove the source photo. Then I told my friend, maybe it already removed because I just contacted one user to remove it.  Then, he print screen another photo showing me is still there. I overlooked this time the second print screen which include the username and then I said, "Well if you can't open the source of the photo then you can give me the username, I go search by myself." Then, he said "It's already on the screen, You don't have to sound so nasty. I don't have the obligation to inform you that your nudes is shown in public." and I got angry, "I just say you can give me the account name, sorry I didn't see properly. And you don't have to sound like that too, having problems is me. And you are not the first person just print screen without giving the link and I have to search by myself." And he just went over the line saying "Yeah, is not the first time I am so busybody and not the first time I responding like this. You could have sound politely and say thank you for informing. We do not owe you anything or have the obligation to inform you." I was like, What the heck saying loud in my heart. Imagine if this situation is about informing my mum died and I have to say thank you for informing? Our friendship is such paper thin that manner first than solving the problems together and where did the hell I sounded nasty?Or is he just have been working in Singapore too long adapting the "anything also complain" attitude? Then I just said, "Sorry if you have to feel nasty from the words I typed but interpreted by your mind. Thank you for informing and sorry if I made you feel you owed me obligation." I am pissed. Now I looked back, I still feel childish. And if I compare, I have a supporter of my e-photobook who just dropped me message about the leaked photos and he said "sorry for bringing the bad news". Now I just felt maybe he just had rough day, I don't know. I only remember we used to have smooth conversation and now like being so sensitive when I always was being said I am the sensitive one. And he just brought me memories of he used to tell me he hate me speaking English because he felt I am speaking proper English accent like I pretending to be an English. I personally feel that why some people couldn't see certain things in a positive way. Some American celebrities tend to speak English accent because they like the accent only and not trying to be someone who they aren't unless they pretend to be the one who do not know how to speak their native language. That one, I will not like it, people who try to speak English accent and pretend not knowing their native language. I don't mind people speaking more than one language or speaking in proper pronunciation. Why can world be a little happier?

Thursday, November 12, 2015

My 25 self.

During the making of "25" e-photobook, there's many things I wished I could have written down. But I didn't, I just told myself I need to be positive and show the bright sides of me. Naming "25" title is no lie that I got inspired from Adele's previous albums, naming it by certain age of her life telling her story of that year. But I never thought after I named it, Adele released her album "25" this year too. Listening to her "Hello", I wished I can just say the same and draining out sad negative vibes. "They say that time's supposed to heal ya, but I ain't done much healing." I told myself to shake it off, so I wrote things standing in a neutral point of view or left with a question mark or indecisive answer. I cannot show I am weak, I can only show I have been through the obstacles and I am still moving on.

They asked "how are you going to survive being a freelance?",  he asked "What's your next plan?". Family worries you are not on the right path surviving. "How are you going to make money?" "Are you special enough?" I wish I know everything. I wish I can sing well, I wish I can dance. At this age of time where you have to be good at more than one thing. It seems no one showing respect and appreciation of professional at one thing anymore. Everyone is draining out every drip of talent juice they have. Somewhere some parts of the art world seems dying, fading, lost, gone. I wish I can tell you these. But I just want to say I can do it.

Every time after done making an e-photobook,  I always doubt myself whether able to make the next one. It's tough, it's scary to think that I will be able to survive from this e-photobook to make the next one. Always doubt what I can do to be better, so that I can show something new on the next e-photobook. I ain't the mainstream person, I don't know how to survive getting on the front line,  it's a lot of investment to put on my own self.

Strangers asked or told me many things, "You seems did a lot of underwear photoshoot.", "Can you introduced me the photographers? so I can bring my models/talents to them.", "Any handsome model or friends to introduce?" , "Did models make out with photographers/HMUA?", "saw your e-photobook selling somewhere else." all kinds of uncomfortable statements or comments and questions I felt as if I own the right to choose what photoshoot to do when I am working as a model, as if I am only a middle man to some people for knowing other resourceful talented people. I just told myself, if there ain't roads shown for you, you can only pass to others where roads are looking for them in positive thinking way.

Saying to myself, "It's not your fault that you have tried many ways, failures are just part of the journey to success." (where I ain't feeling it yet) But I got to have faith in it. Talking to someone seems like myself after 5-6 years with almost same birthdate, I hope I know where will I supposed to be in better me.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Questions from Mr. L.M.

Hello there,

I have been very busy with my photoshoot and editing. And popping out questions such as these sometimes can be testing my patience. If I am not mistaken, I remember this guy is a person who previously talked about his interests in trying out being a model.

Okay, I want to be honest. I am not the walking Wikipedia or walking Dictionary. My answers are not applicable international, all kinds situations. Life is about self exploring, an adventure. Sometimes, learning to observe and discover by self help. During my time, the only source I know about modelling is through photography, TV modelling shows like ANTM. and also from my sister who was a freelance model. Thus, I found out Model Mayhem website is a place for models and photographers and other relevant people such as Make Up Artist, Stylist, Hair stylist, Fashion Designers to meet other for project/ work purposes only  or for building your own portfolio/profile.

Everyone has different hair quality individually, some people have thick hair or rough hair, dry hair thin hair, soft hair. Different hair use different products. So, don't ask me because I am not a professional hair consultant or stylist or a barber. If you want accurate informative facts on what hair product to use, Google or ask advise from barber shop. Your question on where I get the Shurei hair wax, it was given by sibling and it isn't suitable for me. I use Gatsby wax and some other brands hair spray I got from barber shop or hair products shops.

At the moment, I do not take any protein supplements because I have finished my protein supplements. As I have said before to other people that protein is not necessarily have to be taken from supplements but can be daily food we eat such as meat, vegetables and eggs. I have posted photos of what vegetables can get high protein. Other than that, the common food to get protein is milk, eggs, fish, seafood and other meats. for more information you can Google, Youtube, wiki about it or just find my Facebook page with an album featuring info:

Do I go full body waxing for modelling? Its a subjective question! if the photographer need you to be completely no body hair for photoshoot, then you should do it. So, the answer is depends on project basis, what kind of project or work you got, then you perform or deliver what they want! I don't have much body hair except private part and armpits and moustache. I trim them when it is need to be trimmed or shaved clean for the photoshoot. Thus, ask the photographer or the person who in charge the project what they want you to deliver or perform.

My opinion about Bird Cabin? you further asked on quality of Bird Cabin products. Bird Cabin is a male underwear online store where they selling different brands of underwear such as Pink Hero, JQK, Quarter Homme etc etc. It depends on where is the products they got it from and what brands. So, I can't answer your question. If you are asking about Bird Cabin services quality, it is good, They deliver the products on time and they will early inform you whenever they is any new products selling in their store and if there is any closing delivery date before certain public holidays.

I hope my answers help you out and don't forget it. If you really like to ask me more things, maybe you should support me by telling me to do live YouNow broadcasting more and ask questions there!

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Life can be so shabby, flickery, fragile. Life is a mystery

Bruce Jenner can be transgender, my mother can be gone at my teenage time, his first lover gone in a car accident, my friend's love relationship can suddenly torn apart; my another friend recently just passed away. Life seems nothing is impossible to happen. When you're so busy with your things and the next second you know your friend just passed away.

Although we aren't close friends or even have the chance to really know each other, we always see each other like neighbours as we stay in a same condominium. You're a art/ graphic design student, you're younger than me and you just completed your final year project. And now, you're gone. I am not sure how to react when I just found out the news few minutes ago. I don't feel I should say I am terribly sad or upset knowing you're gone because we're not close good buddies, but I don't feel I can just continue enjoy doing what I am going to do next minute.

I am upset because he is such a young person with talent to left the world so soon. I somehow realised I haven't really know all my friends and suddenly one friend that stay so near my place and he is gone. Its a sense of regret from me. I just remember we had a silly disagreement on a topic of stray cats at our condominium, he hates that because he felt dirty have stray cats and all the food given by people on the ground. I just said remember I disagree to hate the stray cats or chase them away just because of the food issue.

Somehow I felt I am lucky although I am poor and not successful but I get to do what I dreamed, thought or planned to do. Life is a maze of finding a puzzle that solve a picture of mystery. R.I.P , my friend, may you come back in next life continue your dream. Bless you. Angels will guide you home.

Although anything can happened without our control, but health is something important that we can control, healthy diet, healthy exercise and healthy lifestyle is important to keep yourself living for your dreams. Keep that in mind.

Monday, April 6, 2015

J Yau X Azuki Beans Style 4

J Yau X Azuki Beans 3rd look styled by Azuki Beans featuring Daccoon Bao Panda graphic t-shirt. 

Friday, April 3, 2015

J Yau X Azuki Beans Style 3

J Yau X Azuki Beans 3rd look styled by Azuki Beans featuring Daccoon Bao Panda graphic t-shirt. 

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

J Yau x Azuki Styling Look 2

Second look styled by Azuki Beans on the same day and photographed by him as well. Photos taken right at the condominium I stay at. Photos edited by me. We planning to play with my handmade raccoon head which halfway in the making still. Azuki like to style the outfit to make the photos looking like taken in a cool weather place.

Monday, March 30, 2015

J Yau X Azuki Beans Styling Project

Hey guys! Azuki and I lately just started a mini simple project of weekly doing styling photography like a lookbook kind of thing.


Tuesday, February 10, 2015


“如果不是朋友,理你都傻” "If we aren't friend, caring you is stupid."
I dunno does this sounds anyway a kind of comfort or hurtful whenever I think of it.
Does that means if we're not friends, I am someone not talented enough, not outstanding enough, special, great what so ever to make you feel you would bother to care/ or bother hire me for any job task/s

And whenever I said i am freelance worker or 自由业者,working on modelling, photo editing and graphic designs works at home, some people tend to think I am very free or people will say, can that even make money, or am I just lazy at home waiting someone feed me etc. I feel I am really working on something I like, just that something I like may not be instantly have fixed stable income. And I feel if you like saying I am doing nothing or making anything for living, do you even ever bother support or see what i have done or doing? I have tried many things, the general things and not so general things and do you even bother to know or support than saying mean stuff?some people only say I adore you being so talented doing so many things, that's all. And ask to learn my skills and saying the things i produce with my skills are not affordable and other critiques.

I still remember one of the interviewer commented that since I did blogging and facebook page & stuff, i should just be a blogger, and say the graphic designers here usually work overtime, there is not 9-6 jobs, I remember i went to gym instructor job interview and he said, is based on shifts and sometimes maybe you need to work on other hours and give example as 3 or 5 am train a customer.
I don't do freelance personal trainer anymore, because there is low demand and gym membership fees is not worthy if training few people, people judge trainer by their body shapes but do you ever know not everyone of them living a healthy life style if what the interviewer told me is true or he is just trying to scare people.

I feel, I just want a normal healthy life, get to off work not at night or later, and get to exercise, and also do own things and spend time with family or friends with stable sufficient income. Now? everywhere jobs requires multitasks, or combination of two job scopes.Then saying our ringgit getting smaller, GST coming, our economy not doing good because our petrol price gone down as our country mainly produce petrol.  And yet some people like to say mean things and I don't even know how to be idealistic or just be realistic.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Is being a full time freelancer or set up own solo business nice?

Again, I have been so inactive for my blog. I am currently sick at home, body temperature was at borderline to fever temperature which was 37.5 degree Celsius if not mistaken from yesterday checkup by doctor at clinic.

With currency of RM getting smaller nowadays and petrol pricing drop, economic wasn't stable, GST, etc etc, many people have their preference of staying as employee under a company to make a stable living. At the same time, many companies are tightening budget of finance, cutting down the number or employees and giving bigger job scopes to every employee such as multi-tasking. Thus, at the same time more people who lost their jobs will try to set up own business to make a living, starting their dreams and hopes or just want to make an end meets.

Whereas for me, whenever I self introduce myself as freelance in graphic design, photography, model and gym trainer. Their first reactions were they are shocked by how many things I do or asking me why I want to do such and not work under a company for experience first. And when I say I work from home and I get to be flexible with time to do things I want. They may imagine it is nice.

Well, what they think or said aren't exactly false or true. But every job we do have its ups and downs. For example, I may have flexible working hours or able to have take time more smoothly or relax without too much stress. Unfortunately, if I don't make sure everyday I able to make a productive or progress day, I won't be able to make enough money to make one end meets. The keyword is discipline and focus. Overly discipline or focus, or overly slack or distracted by bad habits will make yourself suffer of imbalance lifestyle without sufficient rest or sufficient production at the end of the day.

Like me, working alone at an empty space by myself whole day without distraction also could get me into boredom or lose focus or sleepy.  So, I used to play some song lists or some long list of short videos to keep myself awake but aren't fully actually paying attentions to them while I working on my works because I need some noise to keep myself occupied in a empty space. Facebook-ing or Google-ing could somehow distracted myself from working but at the same time Facebook is my source of networking and Google is my source finder.

To make a productive day everyday, I could led myself working late night or just sitting in front of laptop whole day to produce some little progress and also my relaxing time with internet. But this isn't a healthy lifestyle without taking good care of your food intake or take yourself a day out for some activities keep up with friends or exercise outdoor get some sunlights.  Which led me here today feeling sick after few continuous days of sleeping late, immune system went down and I don't even really know I am getting heaty for my body or catch a cold. Right now, I am just sick with swollen left throat, that effects my left ear pain as well and unable to open my mouth wide. Today is day 4 of my sickness, looking more pale than I already was, my left side of teeth feeling numb like you had eating overly spicy food without drinking  enough water, and a little headache, from left throat till left jawline already not as swelling as before but still feel a little pain when pressing them or swallowing anything. My mouth will keep having saliva or phlegm no matter how many times I swallow them or spit them out. Feeling mild fever. but last two I still work from home but also did rest more except yesterday I slept at 12 am. So, I guess that's why I feeling not getting great recovery. During sleeping nights, I often get up from bed to clear saliva or phlegm from my mouth and throat. These few weeks I was busy with my own short comic characters as I was planning to reintroduce them and gathering some awareness before I sell my graphic t-shirt of my cartoon characters.

Soon I maybe no longer working gym trainer because of low demand for some reasons customers are either too occupied or some felt my workout are too tiring for them for achieving their goals. I no longer full time doing graphic design or photography as I am just focus doing my e-photobook and my comic and graphic tees for now. Because graphic designer industry nowadays everyone just looking for cheap, fast, great or free, fast, great which making me less passionate to get a hold of everything.