Tuesday, August 22, 2017

27

I'm 27, reaching 30, adult. I hope I can confidently intelligently say, "there's nothing to be afraid and just try new things. It's life whether the path seems odd or not making sense now but everything will fall into right place." I'm 27 already, having nude or sexy sensual or erotic photoshoot shouldn't be making a big fuss over it, I'm an adult as long as my mind is clear and aware of what I am doing and I doing it safely, wisely. I hope I can confidently say I have the right to choose who I want to work with or hangout with, who I trust, who I love, who understands and know my self value and worth. I don't simply expose myself either physically or spiritually entirely to anyone unless I am sure I am not just being traded with unworthy wasted purposes. I hope my frans, or anyone who knows me and loved ones can see that. I myself sometimes don't talk about it to loved ones because I know it's going to be hard on them as I can feel the same if my loved ones doing similar things. I know I will feel heartache or jealous or insecure. But at the same time, I understand that we should have mutual understanding, feelings, respect, trust to accept, to build and nurture, to make things work. Age 27 me, I still could be wrong with all these statements I've made in this perpetual perplexing mind propelling to grow in time. Age 27 me, I've learnt there is more than one kind of love. One auntie told me before, "There's no right or wrong in love, when feelings come, you also can't avoid." I only hope there is more loves in the world and less hate.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Appearance.

"why you wear tight/fitting pants?"
"so that you know where my butt is."
Ya, I wear fitting clothes sometimes because I am still young and I worked my body. I think I look fine in fitting clothes to show off the goods. I may not be perfect, but I at least, liking my self in my way. I don't have long legs but I have thin legs to look long. To sound negatively, I will say because I am thin, big clothes will only make me look more thin. To sound delusional, because big hunks always looks like their clothes about to burst or looking very fit in fitting clothes. So, I also want to wear like that and say I got muscle too, just small only HAHAHA. I know my side profile look like thin wood plank.
conservative people will judge people who wear sexy is controlled by society or men because showing off the curves to men. At the same time, people who wear sexy or open mind will judge conservative people is being controlled by society/men because cannot wear what they want, or only can reserved to their own man.
I actually talked about it before, but still will have people ask questions or talk like that because they will never understand.
I had my hair grown long, cut short, dyed. I do sometimes wear sloppy or wear nice or wear what I like. And I have seen how ppl react and I sometimes find it funny because ppl always define someone's character based on appearance. And I also have friends who dress differently. Let's just say Lady Gaga is someone I looked up to. "Do what you want." Woman who didn't wear tudung doesn't means she deserve to be raped, same goes to men or LGBT+ wear sexy clothes mean they deserve to be beaten up or raped or bullied. But of course there is a fine line in wearing sexy or daring or literally insane.
At the end of the day, people tend to judge people but forget to judge themselves in front of the mirror first. When we strip away all that, what lies beneath is just the same human flesh and blood, fragile heart and soul.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Butterfly Effect, Ripple effect and trade with time.

Relationship, commitments, attachments, power, privacy, self conscious. Sometimes I feel maybe what my friend said before was right. "Maybe you can still play around while you are still young." Maybe, maybe not. Maybe how I am or who I am presented myself to my dad, he thought I am just being naive, innocent or too dumb that I think I can survive at the outside world alone or he thinks I am just too slacking being a freelance graphic designer to begin his career after graduation. He thought I make good enough money to survive more than just surviving.  But yes, the myth is applicable to majority of artist, graphic designers, or photography industry. Not everyone can earn a lot money or more than people who is in other industries. Unless you are an Art Director, Editor who is well experienced enough to earn higher income to make more than just a living.

Sadly, I am not. I am not even a outgoing socialise person to own a graphic design or art business by my own fully. And being freelance for a long period, dad just think having commitments and insurance attached to me will make me work harder as he thinks I am not hard working enough for a man. And sibling or people might think I am coward or selfish person for moving out living with lover and not taking care my dad is good escape. What they don't know is what struggle i have been through living outside by myself, or living outside with lover and not family members. I do not always get pampered or fully financially support. And I sometimes do feel weaker to even make a voice for myself since I have lower earning income. I feel lesser power to request or even make an argument.  And I don't like that feeling. They don't know there are times I maybe have financially supported on certain things, but I still do the chores or make food for myself and lover, sometimes for his mum too.  And I learned to be more independent in home making, I learn how to take care my health. I learned to try to make the most through out the day either financially or productivity. I learnt to settle things by myself than relying on family on the things I want to get. I've learnt to deal with things that I don't agree or not as planned.

Living outside away from family, I've learnt to take care or settle things by myself even in the situations that I'm not at my best. Living outside and being put with commitments and attachments, I've learnt it's a trade with time for money, butterfly effects or the ripple effect. I've learnt to try do more work for money, I've learnt I cannot always rely/expectation/ demand on people because I will feel lost of power or voice or understanding or controlled like a threat. I also learnt that group have bigger power achieving a goal than solo but yet there is still people work solo. I've learnt promises can be forgotten, and forgiving is the only thing you can do to accept unexpected situations. I have lesser time for family because of financial commitments they put me into. It's a trade/exchange that we have to accept, you can have both. We have cats then we will have lesser time for ourselves. We wanna build a future home, then we will have to work harder on money and lesser for vacation. It's a exchange. I cannot be a hunk if I don't put more efforts in making own healthy diet, sufficient rest and workout. It's always can only be a balance equation. And I wanna earn more to lighten up, yet I wanna still doing something I love and also well healthily balanced. Maybe you won't understand. I am proud that I am still doing everything I wanted or I could but I do feel tired and frustrated when I couldn't or when missed out because of trade with time. People won't understand because ppl will say solve it with money than trying to make the effort, or ppl think I have a lot of time. People won't understand that's why I am attached with so many things, they just think I am not good enough to be a human that they know. It's just that I didn't tell many things because of the barriers made from the ripples and butterflies.

Friday, April 14, 2017

《无可救耀的杰耀》-正常-

《无可救耀的杰耀》-(正常篇)-搭公车火车真的会遇见百种人。几个星期前,一般年轻人上了火车就滔滔不绝聊天。我耳朵没关,没带耳机所以我可以听到他们一些话题。就听到他们一段说着“你最好不要给我咬你,bla bla。” “我好像很久没咬你了哦”(女对男说的) 然后另一个男就说他的另一个男生朋友也是很要过他,有时会对他说很久没咬了,可以咬吗? 我听了都觉得难道现在的年轻人都玩那么疯哦。故事没说完,他们就聊起哪位哪位是帅哥在脸书,男的就说得很有经验知道谁是男同志,叽叽喳喳。女的这时就说了让我觉得一点荒唐土话,”为什么全部帅的都不正常的?” 虽然我知道年轻人喜欢乱说话不经大脑。我只想说:"帅的看到你才不正常啊!"什么年代了还有这样的看法,帅的也有像你们一样”正常“只是你没遇到,还是他们不想遇到你而已(开玩笑而已)。我心想说:"你们咬来咬去才不正常!“ 都不知道你少了哪条神经。

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

《无可救耀的杰耀》-斗气-

《无可救耀的杰耀》-斗气- 如果你进不到你想要的公司里打工,你就立志当老板有天把他的公司买起来。如果上司不请你打工,有本事就当上司的上司。 想当模特儿,但没被模特经纪公司看起。就希望有天你当他们的老板。斗气,如果到最后是你想要的梦。那是你最好的推动力。如果不是,你可能要吃更多苦来证明自己是有价值,可以当你要的,只是他们没发现的宝石。斗气和梦想,梦想和现实,理想和理智一线之差, 有谁没有大大的梦,大家都被推倒多次而失去了多少沸腾的热血热诚放弃了,改变了,变小了自己原本的梦。您还记得你是谁吗?

Thursday, March 23, 2017

《无可救耀的杰耀》行人&司机

《无可救耀的杰耀》行人斑马线绿灯了车子就该停了,车子还是继续过时,过路人就觉得“我在过路,你敢撞我,你就是错!”。司机就觉得“我撞你,你死先,我还在。”大家都喜欢往自己的角度去看东西就忘了为人着想,不耐烦的无奈,人的本性。

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

《无可救耀的杰耀》底线

《无可救耀的杰耀》公说公有理,婆说婆有理。开车的人会说”我停车下来让你过路,你就过快点。”过路人就会说,”我走路已经汗流浃背,过马路还要快步。”大家人心都有限,您的底线又在哪里?占你便宜,互不相让。放宽心也许会让自己好过,自己气爆不如让自己好过。社会何时可以再见色彩。

<无可救耀的杰耀> 火车

<无可救耀的杰耀>在一个火车厢里,挤满了人。有的会默默的缩小自己让别人加入空间里,有的以无视目中无人的姿态摆出"我要自己空间,没有人可以改变我"。有的放下自己背上的负担到自己的手握里,脚下里让出多一个人站的空间。大部分的眼里只有3C世界。有的对别人侵入了个人空间反驳,有的心里翻了无数的白眼飙脏话。有的则在自己的音乐胶囊里。
In the train space fulled of people. Some people shrink themselves, allowing people to fill in the space. Some remains a posture saying "this is my space and nobody is welcome into my space" Some people put down the weight on their shoulder to their hands or on the ground between their feets to give out one more person space. Others only having their phones in their eyes. Some will voice out to the intruders of their personal space, some will be rolling eyes countless in their mind and scolding in their hearts. Some will be in their music capsules