Model for nude photography is also just a job

特别优秀的模特儿就能容易找到正当模特儿时尚的工作，世界这么大，有多少人有一样梦想但就是不是那位特出的。当人每次问我为什么要拍一些性感照，有生理反应的照片。我只是想说我自己已经澄清很多次了，要以模特儿为工作的一部分为生活，一半是兴趣，一半就是要肯接比一般模特儿不可能接的工作，裸照可以是艺术照，也可以是商业化，现实社会要看的。如果我永远都等着时尚品牌找我，我可能永远都没机会做模特儿的经验。为什么要问我“当天摄影师如果是同志拍你全裸，你不怕吗？他不是赚到了？“ “ 如果你当天拍摄有生理反应真么办？”我只想说这是一份工作，就像演员把自己的本分做好呈现出他们要的照片，是艺术也好不是也好，是一份工作，一份专业，就是呈现出照片里的一种幻想，一种意境，一个讯息。有没有生理反应，也是要继续把拍摄拍完。我接全裸拍摄工作是因为没有很多人敢接，那就是我的机会来做别人不做的，不容易但那就是我。被问的我是会觉得，一，你没看过我己经回答过类似问题；二，我会觉得尴尬当你把拍摄过程充满幻想，也让我觉得不被尊敬的感觉。也许你是要问我是否喜欢拍摄裸照或性感照，我只能说现在的我习惯了，但我还是会小心得选拍摄主题和概念还有可靠的摄影师。我的不好经验我不想说不代表我是随便的人。

Specially unique models are easy to get proper modelling fashion editorial jobs in this big world where many have the same dream to be the successful model. Every time people asked me "Why I want to take these sexy photos such as underwear or nude photos or with bulge seen?" "If the photographer is gay and photograph you nude, he is so lucky and "earned" so much" or "what if during the photoshoot and you have an erection?". I have declared a few times about why before. Being a model is not just passion on what you like to do, people choose you more than you choose what job you want if they find you're not suitable. To create or to have my own model experience, I chose to take jobs or model for some photoshoot that not all models willing to do, in order to survive, in order to be outstanding or show I can do more than just fashion, editorial. Doing nude photoshoot or sexy photoshoot is just another modelling job, either is artistic or commercialised. It's a job, a profession, is like acting to deliver the picture that the photographer or client wants. Is business, sex-appeal. Whenever I am being asked, I felt, first, I have talked about it here or at my blog before. Second, I don't feel comfortable when your questions seems like giving yourself a fantasy of the photoshoot behind the scene, I felt not respected in some ways. Maybe you want to ask mainly is am I enjoying myself taking sexy or nude photos? right now I can only say I already used to it, but it doesn't mean I am simply person. I still choose photoshoot based on the concept, the idea/ theme, the purpose. And also choosing trustable photographer. I have bad experiences that I don't want to tell doesn't mean I am simply person and I don't want being treated like I am a playboy or slut just because I do nude photography. A slut or play boy doesn't need to be photographed to begin with.

It just depends how to see things, go shock or go home?

Today I just want to write about certain things I've experienced and have thoughts about the things and also clarify things. I am doing OK, no worries.

First thing first, about the nude photos being leaked online. I wrote things about it like "my penis is more famous than me in person, my body and face, my talents." Well, I am not nagging or whining about it like a complaint but more like a statement of truth or a fact. I made fun of myself about that statement and at the same time reflecting how the society are as part of the world we live in. Yes,  the only frustrated thing I have is the leaked photos which initially for selling as pocket money or salary. And this next thing, I said before and I am going to say again, almost all the photoshoot I've worked are not paid, either the photographers think they shouldn't pay because they thinks they should get paid for photographing you (which is arguable point and they aren't wrong either). or they are poor financially photographers who looking for low budget portfolio for themselves. Or we both have this idea we both agreed or like to do and we tried. So all these we came with conditions because I don't have much money and I want to make money from making nice model photos work together with photographer. I asked to have the photos for my e-photobook and at the same time, they can use the photos for themselves too but with notification and permissions. So, I can earn my money from the photoshoot which I don't get paid.

About the nude photos of me, many friends of mine worry because they never really know what modelling jobs I worked for although they heard of me selling e-photobooks. And also maybe their mind find this as a negative thing for taking nude photos. I am not upset because of having the nude photos photographed and leaked. Because from the moment I agree to take nude photos, I know what am I doing and I treat these as my modelling job, artwork or portfolio which I made.  I only upset because no credits given either photographers or me and the photos are for commercial purposes and not for free. Many my friends who aren't from this model industry or photography will stereotypically thinks all models are just model for clothes, products, services, TVC talents. Which is yes, if you are lucky enough, unique enough, outstanding attractive and are the one who majority likes, your career is smoother than baby oil. And there are still models for work for artistic photoshoot, or art and makeup photoshoot, photography have many categories. Depends what you want to try, the niche market or the competitive market. For me, I'm not popular or special and often do not get model for any clothing or products except underwear or underwear with plain t-shirt only, so I started up trying to be model for sexy or nude photography where most models don't do. It is not only try to give myself an extra path to go, but also overcome my fear being in front of camera. Once I've experienced nude in front of camera, you get to be more relax or more focus on posing right with or without clothes than having worry thoughts showing up at my face.

And of course, I will never know what's the best way to tell my family and not planning to tell since they aren't even happy when I trying modelling jobs at the first place, don't even think about telling being nude model.

Exposing yourself to nudity might not sounds as bad as you can imagine. It's like sex, the more you try to hide sex knowledge to younger generation, the more they eager to know or find out by themselves. Why not just educate them that nudity is nothing to be afraid of, it just part of your body and learn how to see as norm than trying to over reacting or sensitive about it, and not always have to link it to dirty things. Its like Japan where they produced many adult content photos or anime etc etc. But they may have used to it as norm that they could make fun of it, or oversee all the lust and see the soul. This doesn't apply to all Japanese but I'm saying what's important is how your mind thinks than treating it as something like end of the world. And it's funny when people responded to Japan's earthquake and nuclear exploded as "karma" than helping out.

Second thing is about manners versus friendship when talking about bad news. Because many friends are kind enough to tell me about my leaked photos, and I get to see how many ways of communicating or delivering bad news. And one of them scolded me as he said my respond sounded nasty. The situation is like this he said "hi, just FYI." and then attached his print screen photo. So, I asked, "then give me the tumblr username at least or the link." then he just said is a reblogged and the source is not found. Which at that time, I was contacting one tumblr user to remove the source photo. Then I told my friend, maybe it already removed because I just contacted one user to remove it.  Then, he print screen another photo showing me is still there. I overlooked this time the second print screen which include the username and then I said, "Well if you can't open the source of the photo then you can give me the username, I go search by myself." Then, he said "It's already on the screen, You don't have to sound so nasty. I don't have the obligation to inform you that your nudes is shown in public." and I got angry, "I just say you can give me the account name, sorry I didn't see properly. And you don't have to sound like that too, having problems is me. And you are not the first person just print screen without giving the link and I have to search by myself." And he just went over the line saying "Yeah, is not the first time I am so busybody and not the first time I responding like this. You could have sound politely and say thank you for informing. We do not owe you anything or have the obligation to inform you." I was like, What the heck saying loud in my heart. Imagine if this situation is about informing my mum died and I have to say thank you for informing? Our friendship is such paper thin that manner first than solving the problems together and where did the hell I sounded nasty?Or is he just have been working in Singapore too long adapting the "anything also complain" attitude? Then I just said, "Sorry if you have to feel nasty from the words I typed but interpreted by your mind. Thank you for informing and sorry if I made you feel you owed me obligation." I am pissed. Now I looked back, I still feel childish. And if I compare, I have a supporter of my e-photobook who just dropped me message about the leaked photos and he said "sorry for bringing the bad news". Now I just felt maybe he just had rough day, I don't know. I only remember we used to have smooth conversation and now like being so sensitive when I always was being said I am the sensitive one. And he just brought me memories of he used to tell me he hate me speaking English because he felt I am speaking proper English accent like I pretending to be an English. I personally feel that why some people couldn't see certain things in a positive way. Some American celebrities tend to speak English accent because they like the accent only and not trying to be someone who they aren't unless they pretend to be the one who do not know how to speak their native language. That one, I will not like it, people who try to speak English accent and pretend not knowing their native language. I don't mind people speaking more than one language or speaking in proper pronunciation. Why can world be a little happier?

My 25 self.

During the making of "25" e-photobook, there's many things I wished I could have written down. But I didn't, I just told myself I need to be positive and show the bright sides of me. Naming "25" title is no lie that I got inspired from Adele's previous albums, naming it by certain age of her life telling her story of that year. But I never thought after I named it, Adele released her album "25" this year too. Listening to her "Hello", I wished I can just say the same and draining out sad negative vibes. "They say that time's supposed to heal ya, but I ain't done much healing." I told myself to shake it off, so I wrote things standing in a neutral point of view or left with a question mark or indecisive answer. I cannot show I am weak, I can only show I have been through the obstacles and I am still moving on.

They asked "how are you going to survive being a freelance?",  he asked "What's your next plan?". Family worries you are not on the right path surviving. "How are you going to make money?" "Are you special enough?" I wish I know everything. I wish I can sing well, I wish I can dance. At this age of time where you have to be good at more than one thing. It seems no one showing respect and appreciation of professional at one thing anymore. Everyone is draining out every drip of talent juice they have. Somewhere some parts of the art world seems dying, fading, lost, gone. I wish I can tell you these. But I just want to say I can do it.

Every time after done making an e-photobook,  I always doubt myself whether able to make the next one. It's tough, it's scary to think that I will be able to survive from this e-photobook to make the next one. Always doubt what I can do to be better, so that I can show something new on the next e-photobook. I ain't the mainstream person, I don't know how to survive getting on the front line,  it's a lot of investment to put on my own self.

Strangers asked or told me many things, "You seems did a lot of underwear photoshoot.", "Can you introduced me the photographers? so I can bring my models/talents to them.", "Any handsome model or friends to introduce?" , "Did models make out with photographers/HMUA?", "saw your e-photobook selling somewhere else." all kinds of uncomfortable statements or comments and questions I felt as if I own the right to choose what photoshoot to do when I am working as a model, as if I am only a middle man to some people for knowing other resourceful talented people. I just told myself, if there ain't roads shown for you, you can only pass to others where roads are looking for them in positive thinking way.

Saying to myself, "It's not your fault that you have tried many ways, failures are just part of the journey to success." (where I ain't feeling it yet) But I got to have faith in it. Talking to someone seems like myself after 5-6 years with almost same birthdate, I hope I know where will I supposed to be in better me.

Life can be so shabby, flickery, fragile. Life is a mystery

Bruce Jenner can be transgender, my mother can be gone at my teenage time, his first lover gone in a car accident, my friend's love relationship can suddenly torn apart; my another friend recently just passed away. Life seems nothing is impossible to happen. When you're so busy with your things and the next second you know your friend just passed away.

Although we aren't close friends or even have the chance to really know each other, we always see each other like neighbours as we stay in a same condominium. You're a art/ graphic design student, you're younger than me and you just completed your final year project. And now, you're gone. I am not sure how to react when I just found out the news few minutes ago. I don't feel I should say I am terribly sad or upset knowing you're gone because we're not close good buddies, but I don't feel I can just continue enjoy doing what I am going to do next minute.

I am upset because he is such a young person with talent to left the world so soon. I somehow realised I haven't really know all my friends and suddenly one friend that stay so near my place and he is gone. Its a sense of regret from me. I just remember we had a silly disagreement on a topic of stray cats at our condominium, he hates that because he felt dirty have stray cats and all the food given by people on the ground. I just said remember I disagree to hate the stray cats or chase them away just because of the food issue.

Somehow I felt I am lucky although I am poor and not successful but I get to do what I dreamed, thought or planned to do. Life is a maze of finding a puzzle that solve a picture of mystery. R.I.P , my friend, may you come back in next life continue your dream. Bless you. Angels will guide you home.

Although anything can happened without our control, but health is something important that we can control, healthy diet, healthy exercise and healthy lifestyle is important to keep yourself living for your dreams. Keep that in mind.

Vlogging

Vlog: Singing positive song for fun. Something Good by Bic Runga cover.

Downstair neighbours complain on me jumping around at home upstair at 9.30pm.

Struggle?

“如果不是朋友，理你都傻” "If we aren't friend, caring you is stupid."
I dunno does this sounds anyway a kind of comfort or hurtful whenever I think of it.
Does that means if we're not friends, I am someone not talented enough, not outstanding enough, special, great what so ever to make you feel you would bother to care/ or bother hire me for any job task/s

And whenever I said i am freelance worker or 自由业者，working on modelling, photo editing and graphic designs works at home, some people tend to think I am very free or people will say, can that even make money, or am I just lazy at home waiting someone feed me etc. I feel I am really working on something I like, just that something I like may not be instantly have fixed stable income. And I feel if you like saying I am doing nothing or making anything for living, do you even ever bother support or see what i have done or doing? I have tried many things, the general things and not so general things and do you even bother to know or support than saying mean stuff?some people only say I adore you being so talented doing so many things, that's all. And ask to learn my skills and saying the things i produce with my skills are not affordable and other critiques.

I still remember one of the interviewer commented that since I did blogging and facebook page & stuff, i should just be a blogger, and say the graphic designers here usually work overtime, there is not 9-6 jobs, I remember i went to gym instructor job interview and he said, is based on shifts and sometimes maybe you need to work on other hours and give example as 3 or 5 am train a customer.
I don't do freelance personal trainer anymore, because there is low demand and gym membership fees is not worthy if training few people, people judge trainer by their body shapes but do you ever know not everyone of them living a healthy life style if what the interviewer told me is true or he is just trying to scare people.

I feel, I just want a normal healthy life, get to off work not at night or later, and get to exercise, and also do own things and spend time with family or friends with stable sufficient income. Now? everywhere jobs requires multitasks, or combination of two job scopes.Then saying our ringgit getting smaller, GST coming, our economy not doing good because our petrol price gone down as our country mainly produce petrol.  And yet some people like to say mean things and I don't even know how to be idealistic or just be realistic.

Is being a full time freelancer or set up own solo business nice?

Again, I have been so inactive for my blog. I am currently sick at home, body temperature was at borderline to fever temperature which was 37.5 degree Celsius if not mistaken from yesterday checkup by doctor at clinic.

With currency of RM getting smaller nowadays and petrol pricing drop, economic wasn't stable, GST, etc etc, many people have their preference of staying as employee under a company to make a stable living. At the same time, many companies are tightening budget of finance, cutting down the number or employees and giving bigger job scopes to every employee such as multi-tasking. Thus, at the same time more people who lost their jobs will try to set up own business to make a living, starting their dreams and hopes or just want to make an end meets.

Whereas for me, whenever I self introduce myself as freelance in graphic design, photography, model and gym trainer. Their first reactions were they are shocked by how many things I do or asking me why I want to do such and not work under a company for experience first. And when I say I work from home and I get to be flexible with time to do things I want. They may imagine it is nice.

Well, what they think or said aren't exactly false or true. But every job we do have its ups and downs. For example, I may have flexible working hours or able to have take time more smoothly or relax without too much stress. Unfortunately, if I don't make sure everyday I able to make a productive or progress day, I won't be able to make enough money to make one end meets. The keyword is discipline and focus. Overly discipline or focus, or overly slack or distracted by bad habits will make yourself suffer of imbalance lifestyle without sufficient rest or sufficient production at the end of the day.

Like me, working alone at an empty space by myself whole day without distraction also could get me into boredom or lose focus or sleepy.  So, I used to play some song lists or some long list of short videos to keep myself awake but aren't fully actually paying attentions to them while I working on my works because I need some noise to keep myself occupied in a empty space. Facebook-ing or Google-ing could somehow distracted myself from working but at the same time Facebook is my source of networking and Google is my source finder.

To make a productive day everyday, I could led myself working late night or just sitting in front of laptop whole day to produce some little progress and also my relaxing time with internet. But this isn't a healthy lifestyle without taking good care of your food intake or take yourself a day out for some activities keep up with friends or exercise outdoor get some sunlights.  Which led me here today feeling sick after few continuous days of sleeping late, immune system went down and I don't even really know I am getting heaty for my body or catch a cold. Right now, I am just sick with swollen left throat, that effects my left ear pain as well and unable to open my mouth wide. Today is day 4 of my sickness, looking more pale than I already was, my left side of teeth feeling numb like you had eating overly spicy food without drinking  enough water, and a little headache, from left throat till left jawline already not as swelling as before but still feel a little pain when pressing them or swallowing anything. My mouth will keep having saliva or phlegm no matter how many times I swallow them or spit them out. Feeling mild fever. but last two I still work from home but also did rest more except yesterday I slept at 12 am. So, I guess that's why I feeling not getting great recovery. During sleeping nights, I often get up from bed to clear saliva or phlegm from my mouth and throat. These few weeks I was busy with my own short comic characters as I was planning to reintroduce them and gathering some awareness before I sell my graphic t-shirt of my cartoon characters.

Soon I maybe no longer working gym trainer because of low demand for some reasons customers are either too occupied or some felt my workout are too tiring for them for achieving their goals. I no longer full time doing graphic design or photography as I am just focus doing my e-photobook and my comic and graphic tees for now. Because graphic designer industry nowadays everyone just looking for cheap, fast, great or free, fast, great which making me less passionate to get a hold of everything.

My story, your knowledge?

Today I decided to talk more about myself, since J-Yau suppose to be a brand with story and J-Yau is me, Jason L.H. Yau.  Story about me isn't really something very special to be alienated or something. I am not sure whether I have mentioned before I am gay and I have a partner. And saying this publicly in my country I not sure whether I will get arrested and hated by certain not understanding religious people.

I remembered I wrote my story before but I deleted due to not really sure is it safe or am I ready to tell or are my readers that open mind with open heart to know me.

I have siblings and I am the youngest in the family. My late mum passed away due to breast cancer third stage when I was about 21 years old to 22 years old, before that we were going through the difficulties in curing mum and handling household things we all learnt a lot things from surviving to trying defining the meaning of life. Whenever talk about topic of life, it simply frustrated me or can get me emotional on the fragility of life and doubts of what to achieve before life comes to an end.

I left my home just almost a year now, to be exact is just about 10 months. I still have gathering with my dad and sibling once in every two weeks. People questioned me about why leaving house, I will always say because of career and work. And of course, there are other reasons actually. Where should I start this? I come from a family where when I was younger, I have never been close to any relatives at all for some negative reasons. Partially I never grown up having most of the time spent with my mother's side relatives and I never find myself able to fit in well or get along closely with my father's side relatives as well till I have became an adult.

Like any typical asian family or relatives, we were often like to be compared since young, from wealth to educations, successes and achievements. My family used to be middle-class family and we always living a middle class lifestyle except my dad who was grown up with a better environment with his siblings and so they used to like to compare till recent years we all had our downfall time and we sort of realized we all aren't that perfectly doing great and we all are humans and we started to comparing less but still like to gossips a lot. Because of from where I grew up, I never feel close to certain relatives or cousins except some who I felt the similarities and able to relate myself with them.

Nobody likes to feel of losing a mother, a wife, or a sibling early. But how many of us learn something from the incident and become a better, stronger person other than regrets and appreciate more of the ticking time and says, "I wish I have more time for all these. (achievements, success, communication, happiness, family, love etc. etc."

At the first time finding out myself is gay during secondary school/ high school, like every other gay, I feeling like an abnormal kid, a monster, weirdo, any labels which rejected by society that you can think of. I have thought of ending my life during that teenage time. I was very self center that time  until I found out my mum got cancer when I was age 17 turning 18. At that time I not planning to come out of the closets until I got graduated with degree.

I am pretty lucky to have some gay friends who educate me more information on gay and the outside world and more information from psychology, psychiatrist perspective, counselling. Thus, I am ready on how to confess to my dad.  I came out to my siblings first during the hard times and also after my late mum passed away. There was a moment I felt, coming out to dad is harder than coming out to my mum if she was still here.  I got into a long term relationship and still on going which caught my dad's suspicion of my sexuality and my siblings aren't there to cover for me and pushes me to took the initiative to confess and I am ready with my aunt's suggested psychiatrist to meet my dad and I. The truth is gay wasn't an illness stated since 90's and trying to transform me back to straight can be done but I won't be happy as the psychiatrist said and he further said I am doing fine like a normal person. The only thing that matter is that dad need to take time to digest and accepting his son is gay.

Which I already knew about needing to have the patience as a son to give dad the time like how I give myself the time to accept who I first found out I am gay at 14-15 years old. I came out to dad at age 22.

I have never been very close to dad since I was a kid because he always working outstation or oversea or his construction projects. I used to not close to my dad and I have a bad temper. We only got closer bond as father and son after my mum passed away. But there is still always a gap between us, and disagreements/arguments between us. I guess is about the men's ego and stubbornness. But to explain in a more detailed but not specific in what kind of silly problems that I chose to moved out, I can only say I have my capability, ability limitation when comes to responsibility. I can only handle these much of the responsibility scope or duties. But if I was being put into a bigger responsibilities and no better solutions given on owning luxury assets or something more than I need and more than I can handle, I am not going to put my head into the bigger hat. I didn't sign up for this. As one make its bed, one must lie on it. I was more than just angry about his ego and inconsiderate action and not negotiable, communicable manner. My only hope of what I can do is to get  enough money to own a smaller home where I can handle and yet able to have dad stay with me if he wants.

Other than that, I also hope to have my privacy on working what I like, for example on modelling, having sexy portraits. I don't think I can ever tell my family about it because I know them. 

About my work, I find it contradict and sometimes a little heartbroken. I don't mind doing nudity photoshoots for capturing the moments of my best either in youth, in body physiques or for expressing art or erotic art. But many times, things have to be commercialised to fulfil the majority of the society/target audience's desire. Sometimes I got frustrated when I hear people say " I will only buy the photos if got full nude/or full frontal nude" or "too expensive, other people nude photos cheaper/free to see online"  I felt like no one cares from my perspective, like, I also have my family, I also work hard for myself, I maybe an exhibitionist but I am also a human. People like to see and yet like to make some unreasonable critique and requests.  Every job has its professionalism and not everyone able to fulfil, when a person is working hard, that person just hoping to be respected and appreciated. Underwear models aren't strippers, strippers aren't prostitutes, every occupation got its requirements which not everyone able to fulfil. I just hope to get some appreciation and respect and excessive demands.

J-Yau is searching the simplicity in complexity, J-Yau is a contradict perfectionist who understand the imperfect reality and seeks for a simple life. J-Yau is a wanting to forgets what's left broken, unfix and move forward than being motionless trapped in depression. J-Yau allows feelings comes and go like breathing and never wants to stuck in a maze of addiction in any kind of feelings. J-Yau is a dream chaser, believes in balancing between dream and reality, defy the negative reality cracks and immerse them with the liquidity dream/s. J-Yau is not just a human nature express yourself, express love, hope for mutual respect, mutual sharing, wisdom and beauty exchange.

What is beauty? what is sexy? human nature and religious?

Recent local Facebook news about famous fb stars on someone convert religion and wear Hijab and Red People star look super handsome but a MV reveals his body size. Its kind of alerts me I have to be aware and reminded me, famous is a temporary thing, what comes around goes around, what comes up must goes down. Thats why I from time to time shows photos of real me with inconsistent pimples, my sexuality.

I just want you all to know we aren't plastic, we can't be consistently porcelain skin and perfect body and perfect dressing with perfect behaviour or attitude and consistent belief. What are we to judge people's marriage and measure people's true love. I know some people out there dislike me for being so "open" or too skin revealing, sexy in photos and told me I am ugly too. I am sorry to any parents or religious people for my page existence. I know my responsibility, education is important and society sometimes can be ugly.

“To all the girls that think you’re fat because you’re not a size zero, you’re the beautiful one, its society who’s ugly.” - Marilyn Monroe.

She is right about the definition of beauty being distorted by society. But I have to say healthily beautiful is still important, and being overweight is really not that good still from a health perspective.

I know what I do on photos can be somewhat sexy, naughty, kinky or bad boy or crazy. But I want to say that's part who I am or who the inner me but I do not encourage anyone to be like me. Nice to see but it ain't not just fun and play. It is just visual entertainment which may trigger your desire. At the same time its my achievement of my body workout which I personally felt its nice to show and inspire people. I am from advertising design field, and I like drawing since young. It just like when I draw something nice, then I have to show and share to other people. If not, what am I drawing for? It must have a message to deliver through a medium to a certain audience.  More importantly is as long as I know what I am doing and not involve into wrong direction like my partner told me, as long as you know what you are doing and not simply going out there play sex or raw sex with people like a jerk, not loving yourself, not taking care of yourself. Meaning I am just doing what I like doing on a visual medium, a canvas and not ended up like a FOC whore looking for fun without thinking. Which I do not wish my fans are like that too.  Boys will be boys, but you can just watch porn or something and just jerk and end. Or do safe sex and always make things clear with who you wanna involve without lies. We all were silly humans and we all grown in time, learn to be wise and careful. Orgasm or "ovaries explode" won't give you anything good valuable productive day for life. "Productive" I mean money, or works towards your life goal.

I sometimes treat it as art, as my passion, as who I am. Sometimes I treat it as commercial art, as in "sex sells", "sex-appeal" in advertising industry.  Its our human nature that we are attracted to beautiful things and its our hormones that attracted to "sexy-licious " thing. And at the same time, its really not anything sexy at all if you know there's how many people including children  out there get HIV or AIDs without safety awareness happening around the world.

Neither this can be sexy at all, but it deserves your attention.



This shows that humans are attracted to sexy things. I know we are attracted to more than just sexy, beautiful, creative, fun, awesome, happy things according to how many senses we have.

So, ya I am sorry to the religious conservative people out there. But I am who I am, I will still be doing what I love with knowledge. Knowledge is the important key to freedom to decide how we think, including you and me.

"Some people like it when I show my ass, and some people think it's obscene. Judgement over compassion, and fear over love, and that is obscene."  - Madonna.

Think again.

My Experience in Pink Dot 2014

I am not sure where to write or how to start but I want to make it short if possible but its more than one sentence i can describe my this year experience at Pink Dot Sg. At first, I am Malaysian and its not being approved to have such event here as public event to create awareness and support and acceptance. And there's always a mixed feeling when attend our neighbour country Pink Dot event. I felt happy to have so much love from the people who wear pink shirt , gathering here and support the freedom to love. This year, I was told there will be group of people wearing white to protest or against LGBT or Pink Dot event, I was initially worried. Plus, on my way to Hong Lim Park for Pink Dot event, I saw one family on the street, one look like the mum, and one daughter and one uncle.

I not really know what's the whole scene is about but I just heard the mum asked and nagged, " why you always make your own decision without our approval? why you so stubborn?" the little girl I think she is about 10-13  years old I not sure and she dressed in pink tee where as mom wore white collar shirt.  The little girl was a little scare and afraid to answer once her mum asked. It was just a few blocks away from Hong Lim Park, near the hotel I stayed. I maybe thinking too much about the pink and white shirts. But if  what I heard is true and the whole scene i saw is about Pink Dot. Then I was not really prepare for the people who against it. Because I also heard to invite the people who wore white to participate Pink Dot, to let them understand what is Pink Dot.

Life like a roller coaster is interesting? Mr. Utopia contest can change my life? I am not perfect.

When I said my life is like a roller coaster, I didn't really mean it in a good way although it may sounds interesting dramatic life. But I don't really prefer dramatic life. And life is never really about timing of early or late, or what's fair or what's not. And Buddha story told us that "Birth, Old, Sick Death" is a fact and a cycle that no one can escape but to accept and learn to treat the cycle as norm and not a kind of suffering.

Timing really is nothing about too early or late in life, we don't get to choose when we die or when will I lost my mum, and so, moving out early to start live alone and try learn to earn money and survive is never too early. Its never too early to learn about being mature in thinking. Being gay is nothing rare or new or very special to write into a book to be read by people nowadays, is just that there's still parts of this planet earth will not accept nor understand.

So what makes me say my life is like a roller coaster? The ups and downs in life, is my late mum that taught me to be less self-centered about my own problem and learn to be more than independent, is my siblings that taught me being the youngest in the family like me doesn't mean I will be loved the most or take the least responsibilities for the family. Is my grandparents had taught me the olden generation life was tougher than my generation and learnt to be savvy but being savvy doesn't mean have to be selfish or steal or own things more than you need.

Being gay and attached and confess to family are another part of my experiencing my journey of life, although we always say gay people is same like straight people, we also have the playboy, the emo, the geek/nerd, the hunky, the good and bad lovers like straight people, just not everyone can see that. So, my partner and I had our hard time to go through confessing to our parents and trying to live together in a room with my partner's mum and I now can called her mum is a sense of being recognised and confirmed/approved relationship is really a comforting news to me. She may not be like my mum to replace what I have lost and regret in life, but it is a lucky thing to be able to be loved like a son and mother. And maybe because I came from a different family background, I found living here with my partner and my "mum" , I feel happier and less stress except for my job and my future career and fitness/health.

I always envy or feel that I am slightly less fortunate when comes to blemish skin like mine and people always ask me why, there's no answer to that, I am just born with weaker immune system and sensitive skin. I am just not gifted with a healthy body and skin to live like the beautiful people that surrounds me in every day life. I am just gifted the acknowledgement to live a healthy lifestyle, I am not born with handsome face, beautiful body and golden key. I have learnt life has never really been fair, and I just have to work double the efforts to be like their standards, its hard and its tiring sometimes, but from here I learnt what's more important is inner beauty than outer beauty, I will still continue to look good on the outside, but when comes to knowing people now I learnt to look from the inner beauty to outer beauty.

Sometimes I respect people who got the wisdom to use his/her body as a marketing tool to earn money like Lady Gaga to get attention and then notice her creativity in art then lastly her music which not everyone able to do that or even accept people who brave enough to do it because of shame and what society shapes our mind and values. The body is a tool of feeling expression and the art to express your soul, also a marketing tool for nowadays society, sex sells, fitness physique sells. etc etc. But if you want to be more than just inspiring or just sexy, you better combine both and have a better message to deliver. You only lived once, so think what can you contribute to the society or what can you do while you are alive and what is the last impression you want people to get before you left the world.


Let's talk about Mr. Utopia contest. Utopia is a gay restaurant and bar. Yes, I finally find a contest that suits me than Malaysia Hunk contest which only for straight guys, but this one also is still a contest about metrosexual, fashionable, smart looking sexy hunk contest. Its, again a contest on confidence and sporting guy who is confident on stage. And again, I feel not so confident again, because I don't have good skin yet nor even have stage talents like dancing or singing or acting, not my strength, but its a good experience and its a chance of life changing to better or not.  But have to be pretty daring to flaunt your body and get attention and make people like you to get votes.

I sometimes always question where I will go or where will I be or belong, I wonder creative marketing exec. job will able to achieve the dreams I want and yet doing what I love such as fitness and health and modelling. I haven't found my path. Will gym trainer and entrepreneur make me happier and stable life.

Life is always the hardest when we always trying to be perfect and inspiring people around me, but once achieve will be the happiest thing happen in life.

Who's Birthday? my story, your knowledge.

Happy Birthday to myself,  I've earned another year of life. Feeling blessed and appreciated. Celebrated two times, one with my family another with my partner and his mum. =) My mind went a little nervous and blank when they asked me to make a wish before blow the candles, I just quickly made a general wish which is " a better year". Basically, I wish for a good health, balance life and stable income and yet able to do the things I love yet able to inspire people or able to give something meaningful/valuable to society from what I love to do, life is about give and take, nothing comes for granted.

Well I think I should share my story a little about my background. I came from a single parent family where my mum passed away more than 3 years ago due to cancer. My family and I have been gone through a tough time from taking care my mum and the family support system, we have issues from family responsibilities, learnt about self responsibilities, self independence, self survival, family values, gratitude, life, prioritise health than job, etc etc. It made me grow up more mentally and spiritually, but also made me more independent and felt lonely without presence of late mum who had conquered a place in my heart.

I will say I became mature on certain family, love life and health perspective but I am not mature in working life perspective yet. I am pretty struggle about letting go about the concept of balance lifestyle when comes to work. Everyone tells me the same thing and I really wish I can prove them wrong but I maybe wrong just because the majority people thinks no such fact is right? Or maybe my real passion is to become a model and also a gym instructor/gym personal trainer because I am more hardworking and willing to commit in getting a good body and healthy eating than my drawing art skill? I doubt myself either.

I came out to my family except some of my relatives when I am with my current boyfriend during the second year. It was tough for my family to take time to understand something unfamiliar to them, to go through what I have been through when I first found out about myself. I was worried so much that I collect a lot of information about gay and how to confess to parents in the best way for us to understand and avoid things turn worse. I had two short term relationships before my current one and I learnt a lot from this relationship about, tolerance, communications, learn from each other, teach each other, patience, understanding, respect and more. I know my partner dislike me being his partner and yet showing a lot of skin taking sexy photos for part time modelling and also self interest and also for side income purpose and he still willing to support me doing what I love doing and doing it right and not mistreat him.

When I was young, I already know I am gay when I always being attracted to male underwear packaging box with the great body male model wearing sexy underwear. And I always feel I want to be just same like them. Its kind of ironic feeling of me being attracted to muscular body and yet feel jealous and frustrated of myself not having such body or not reaching my ideal goal yet. But I know its ain't easy. But that time I have never thought of becoming a model, I just thought I am being a useless narcissist. I was ugly nerdy geek back to younger days until I met my current partner who had polished me, taught me on beauty health. Which also made me have more dreams than just being a fit guy, I want to be wise too. I know I may not be a wisest or smart student material to be perfect, I wish to learn something more from what I interested, healthy diet and also expand my art interest with more diff media, photography.

After one year working as freelance graphic designer, photographer, part time model. I already felt this is not where I wanted to be for the rest of my life. But I feel I don't want abandoned what I have studied and what I was being given with the talent which everyone said so to me when I always think it can be trained. So I got a full time office graphic design relevant job which my friends all told me to gain experience first. I wasn't really feeling this is my dream job or my dream life too or a job that I feel its ok to work hard as what I want for my career life but instead I feel I just want to get a fixed income at the moment.

Which now I not sure shall I invest myself or dive myself into fitness health industry since I prioritise healthy and balanced lifestyle. Will I survive? will I fail? Risk fears me and regret gets me worry of wasting time and efforts but only action will make things come true. I hope I make a decision before mid year comes and I wish luck is on my side to clear my direction of career path. Am I able to commit fully into fitness health and bare the pain of hardships?

Update on life and workout.

After entering the second month of my probation job as creative marketing, I started to get use of certain routine or a kind of lifestyle I am living for now. Trying to wake up on time to prepare own breakfast, shower, dress up, walk to train station, getting little sweaty and catch the train and bus on time to office for work before 9 a.m.. I have felt the goods and bads of taking train everyday, observe every one of us as human beings on train doing some selfish and some kind actions happening in train.

I have watched people trying to squeeze into the train no matter how full the train has been already filled, showing how selfish are we just so that we can go to work on time and we throw away our shame and face, being bold and forgotten what is the human/moral values. I have seen some people giving way and seats to the needy ones. I have seen a blind man with one eye heavily infected and eye popping out and trying to find his way to make the right call with his mobile phone. I have seen the rich and the poor taking the same train. In short, taking public transport make me and you see the daily lives of the people putting together with contrast, which i think is special of how life surrounds me or us with things like such to remind us something or make me learn from observation of things in life.

Other than working the usual weekdays and getting all dry up by squeezing creative juice and losing my inspiration to create, my desire of wanting to earn more pocket money at my current state, made me continue wanting to find some part time modelling photo shoot and also thinking to sell my next e-photobook. Well, its not all just about the money. Its also something i enjoy doing other than my job when everything goes smooth together. =)
And now I have a deal with Totomomo site open for my fans to sponsor items from Totomomo for my next coming e-photobook which themed "Fantasy/Not Myself" which will be kinky theme and also input my personal concept about fantasy and reality to deliver a small message before browsing the fantasy images like how I did the arrangement from the first e-photobook.


I have people message me about what items can be sponsor from Totomomo or what is my limit to wear for photoshoot such as cock ring or thongs. I will say I can wear that but I will match with another item to get it semi transparent covered or have something peekaboo.


This is my first e-photobook and still selling. To buy via Paypal or more information click the link below:
https://www.facebook.com/JsonYau/app_208195102528120

or you can buy from Totomomo also:
http://www.totomomo.co/E-Book-I-Started-Nothing-by-J-son-Yau-EB001.htm

Starting to cope back being active on my facebook page and blog and promoting and selling not many, but still some e-books, and finding sponsors and partners to work with from photographer, to props and concept, ideas, have made me busy lately and slightly lack of sleep. It has put me into doubt and questioning myself what is really best that suits me and make me happy working for, what job can make me happy and keep me going, able to keep me survive? I question myself am I capable of becoming a gym instructor and also a model?  etc etc... I started thinking about studying gym instructor course. I just only know that I enjoy doing workout and also photoshoots. Of course I still do enjoy doing painting, drawings, design and handcraft.

And I saw this article "Interview with Todd Sanfield":
http://www.myportiswaspsays.com/2014/01/a-new-interview-with-todd-sanfield-is.html?m=1
and I realised, it can be done and I am not alone. But I know its going to be really tough. And Todd Sanfield prove to me you can have many dreams but only matters is how you manage it. Am I going to follow and believe on what I am doing multi tasking can achieve success? I still think twice. Not everyone have the same strength and limitation.

I have met a few facebook friends and fan that I have never met before after I have moved to this rented place, and working in KL. I felt happy and lucky for that because after the long day working at office, I get pretty tired and out of drive.

Talk about my workout lately,  I haven't got a fix workout routine weekly. I workout 2- 3 times weekly. If I doing my workout at the condo gym, I will do cycling 100 meter to warm up my body, then I do stretching hands and legs and my back. Then I will do some kicking and some hips workout and planking. Then, I only start using the machine do chest, back, legs again, and lastly abs workout. Each other body parts workout I do 3 sets, each set 10 repetitions,  except for abs workout, I will do 4 sets and each set 20 repetitions. But sometimes I want to stress my muscle more, I will add a few extra reps. I hope this answer to people who had asked me about my workout in personal message before.

I hope I can get more photographers to work with for my e-photobook or for their portfolio too. I also looking for makeup artists or stylists to work with. And I also interested to look for publisher who is willing to publish my e-photobook into hardcopy, let me know the rates and details. 

Full time office job, typical asian working life.

How should I start write this post this time? I kind of lost of not knowing where shall I start after the Tokyo, Japan trip. I got a full time office job, creative marketing job. A typical being told is a 9 a.m. to 6.30p.m. job, sounds fair enough, an 8 hours daily job. But unfortunately, as we all or some of us have already know, this is a 9 - 7 or 8pm job or more. A very generic, general asian working office life.

I was being told to get used to it, such life as almost fully committed job. And sometimes I need to work on Saturday's night event job as a cameraman or photographer taking photos to promote their company active events all year round.  Well, its not something very bad if you love what you do, you will eventually willing to commit such and be there for the company always.

Let's talk about the benefits working as a Creative Marketing Executive in a "China-man" kind of company work flow and system. You can say I'm being stereotype on "China-man" company, but you cannot simply just say I am racist as I am a Malaysian Chinese too. I am just saying based on my personal experiences and point of views. Let's start, working in a new Creative Marketing department, you get to experience working a few labels, or sister's or children of the company products all by yourself or with one senior. You'll learnt to adapt the tough environment as "one-leg-kick" (one-man show) doing all, multi-tasking, know how to protect yourself by knowing your position responsibilities, your boundaries in order not to get bullied by other departments or employees asking you doing unnecessary tasks.

You'll learn to be independent, self discipline, workaholic to finish work on time or deal with very last minute amendments stress environment. And also, you'll get to broaden your networks through marketing events and deal with suppliers and know about the advertising rates.

Now, the disadvantages. Like I said, you will love your job if this is the life you want. But if you view from a healthy lifestyle perspective, it isn't really that healthy working long hours, not enough rest, no time to go relax or even exercise or practise a healthy lifestyle. Working long hours and less rest, relaxing hours will eventually, really, make you dumb as your mind didn't get to rest but constantly, squeezing for ideas and creative juice than having time to relax and get inspired, get fully charged to battle the next coming day.

So, how do I feel after 3 weeks of working as Creative Marketing Executive? which still under probation. Well, I have mixed feelings, because I still do design, its still one of things that interests me. But maybe I have mixed dreams of the ideal life of mine, being a model, doing art stuff, living a healthy life, inspires people. And being not popular model won't have fixed income and you have to invest money and time for keeping up a good looking body and face. I like being handsome or sexy fit model. At the same time, my talent is art, design, graphic design, photography. I am not given the talent to own the stage or even have the height to walk the runway. I am not that friendly to talk to strangers or make friends. I feel kind of tired rushing design works in the office for the whole day till night, not having dinner on time, no time to go body workout between 8.30 to 10pm time slot that I prefer,

Somehow I have slowly started to accept the way of a creative marketing or graphic designer life after a few times working from internship, my first short 2 months web designer job, my one year freelance designer job and my friends and sister telling me the same kind of lifestyle. I have to somehow accept the fact and no escape for it. I hope things can change over time on working lifestyle.

Starting a new job and moving out from family and staying with my partner in renting room with his mum is a whole new beginning. There's a saying, the starting point of everything will always be the hardest time. I hope i will still remember the life I want to live in than accepting the real life and let the reality shape me and become someone who I am not.  At this stage, I always wonder will i ever be the guy that I dream to become, and struggle to make a living with a fixed job which may not be what I desire the most but just the talent I have to keep me alive than doing what I love.

Starting a new job on a Christmas month have made me not being in the mood for Christmas nor even for New Year or Chinese New Year. I have mixed feelings as I feel I am back to zero again and there's so much more things waiting me to make the next milestone of my life. I have worked freelance jobs for a year, from graphic designer to photo touch up, photography to modelling, modelling to handcraft. I didn't get to achieve my dreams in this year though. I didn't get to win or get a full time modelling job, I didn't get to move the next stage or phase of my body shape as my target to get slightly hunkier than slim fit. I lost my car, I lost some of my self portraits and modelling photos, I didn't win any contest. I didn't get to try make own business, I don't have partners to work with. I got so much to learn.

It makes me feel the year end too soon and I have no choice to accept the truth. I am only human and I admit I dream too big, but I only lived once. I wish i can inspires people, but I don't think I am qualify to be a good role model to everyone as I have my imperfections and I am gay, plu. I have came out to my family but not my relatives, I am in a relationship with my partner for 3 years now and we staying together now with his mum in one small renting room.  And I worked as model for drawing class before, took sexy photos by photographer before, self portrait sexy kinky themes before. Will you still think I am a good role model to learn from? having underwear fetish or love to exhibit my fit body when I did my part on putting efforts to get good shape. People sometimes ask why wanna show or flaunt good body as some people just keep it for their lover or just self interest, no need be so showy. But that's just me, I just think if i paid my efforts on working hard for body, I feel i wanna show, some sort of proud, but I also won't show when I not having a good body shape. It gives me some sort of confidence. Its like, when one artist draw or paint an artworks, one would want to have audience to express the artwork to. I guess humans can't really just be alone, we always need someone or something to express and share to show the results, to deliver a message, to love and be loved.

Lost my car, Trip to Japan. Ups and Downs

I have been not active updating my blog for quite some time since the last post. Many things happened like a roller coaster lately. And I'm still working as Freelance Graphic Designer, Freelance Photographer and part time model. But I'm applying and searching my ideal Graphic Design job lately and started attending job interview.

Who am I to have the privilege for asking, getting or choosing an ideal job instead of the job choose me when comes to reality in this competitive industry. I do question myself and also asked myself what can I offer or give in return by working in the company. Basically, I really answer instantly other than I have the passion in illustration art and design as long as there's something sparkle me, inspire me and keep me driven. So, I think its dual parties efforts completing, harmonise  each other, if I get to work in a good working environment of the company, I will get the spirit to contribute back to the company.

For the past few weeks or months have been ups and down for me. I not only decided to take the guts to enter Asia New Star Model Search competition, representing the nerds or geeks like me to try to be an example for them if I can be a model and so can they, it just matter of passion and will to learn and risk to change for the better.

Although I didn't get into the finalists and being such a thick face joining the contest that really seems impossible or maybe not suitable for me or yet so much more to learn for me as a geek to transform into a full model who is presentable not only in front of the camera but also at public events or occasions. But I am still very glad and happy that I have took the chance to experience something different which not everyone of us would normally do from ordinary people's point of view such as me. And I am happy I got into semi finalists and my friends and my small group of fans/supporters encouraged me to join and glad that at least tried and got into semi finalists better than nothing or never try.

(Left image: Was captured as contestant photo)

I was excited for a moment when I got into the semi finalists but at the same day they announced for the finalists and I got eliminated.

It was like so happy that I make it for a moment and being crushed on the next moment happened shortly on the same day. I was at first having little hard time to digest the situation although I do know I wasn't the best looking or the most experienced, most confident model among them. So, I accepted my failure. I was having a long time thinking what if I did conquer my fear and nervousness and be a little more confident, I would have got in. What if I did deliver my speech or my message completely, I would have got in, etc. etc.....

What if there is no "what if" is the fact that woke me up and just move on doing the next thing for my life. Its not the end just because I lost in one competition, and its not the end of the world or life just because I might not be suitable, successful in modelling, I see myself still having other values and strength or skills in me from what I learnt and studied. Failure after failure, you might get a success after learning the mistakes from all the accumulated failure experiences.

Things didn't go as smooth as it seems after that, I have some personal issues and I decided I need to move out staying with friend or my partner to learn some independence without over relying on family or over tolerating some lifestyle habits which I found not working for the better. I may be wrong, but I think sometimes the best way to learn and grow maybe by falling hard or try to slowly stepping out form the comfort zone into a new environment. I am scare and worry at the same time, but I have seen my friends where their hometowns are nowhere near to the city and have moved to a totally very new, unfamiliar place to grow, start from zero. Because starting from zero, you have very limited choices and options. You will tend learn have the patience to bare certain harsh bad situation and willing to work for any bad situations just to make the end meets. Which I think, I found myself have not learn such yet entirely, I guess. I was pretty stubborn prioritising living a balanced healthy lifestyle which I guess many of you will say that is what boss will think about or maybe living one now.

But because from what I experienced from my late mum who died of cancer, I realised health comes first before job or money or passion. If one health doesn't maintained well, one basically having everything falls apart. So, I believed strongly in having a well balanced lifestyle by living wisely, but of course that cannot be an excuse for not working hard, but work enough for all kinds of things in life.

As I mentioned things didn't go well, I lost my car, not exactly my car. I will say its my dad's car that have lived with us, me since the year I was born. It have been with me for 23 years. My car was stolen just where I parked my car right in front of my house. I loved that car is not because its some kind of fancy or branded or expensive car. In fact, it wasn't. It is just a low or middle class Proton car which I find it suits my status perfectly as I am just a freelance graphic designer, photographer and model, no fixed income yet, no good stable income too. I got pretty frustrated when I lost my car during this time when I planning to move out, I had a oversea trip coming on next two weeks after the day my car stolen and was planning to get a job and go for job interviews. Questions start popping in my head and finding solutions to the problems without personal transport.

And previously, my partner did suggested to me about fund raising for facebook modelling page by giving away my photos or a photobook for those who donate money to me for raising fund to pursue my modelling career or other related purposes. But I wasn't having great faith and confidence in me after some time of not getting a permanent modelling career. I feel a little lost and worry as I wonder will my fans support me on fund raising, or will there be buyers for my photobook and who willing to be publishing. But after I lost my car, I felt I have a big lost that I am responsible to cover my lost quickly. Plus, I am not sure will I ever have more modelling photo shoots again in future or will my dream of being a successful hunk achieved as I see myself still a slim fit guy till present and not having a fixed income and fix working time to manage a fix body workout time and eat healthily, sleep on time etc, etc...  Thus, I decided to do a compilation of my modelling photos into an e-book with some never seen before photos or footages or some censored photos as I referred to some other male model photobook have similar content. And also, part of me know that partially my fans like to see the sexy me and I part of me like to be sexy or being a little exhibitionist as I like showing my slim fit muscular body. But at the same time, I feel I don't want just make a sexy book or adult porn-like book. I don't want my fans to see me just being sexy, or just empty shell flaunting good body seeking for attention for no better reason other than self vain. Or being misunderstood thinking I am just being a slut or porn star. I was afraid being judged and receiving very bad criticism from people but at the same time I know what or who I am or what am I doing, as long as I am not hurting anyone, teaching or misguiding people the bad things, I am just going to remain being me. And I understand that I can't make everyone loves me, and not everyone will understand me or know me or even my works. Its a definite that some people hate, some people like. Not everyone understand or interpret your works accurately.

I was asking myself, what do I want them to get or receive from my ebook other than just visually appealing? what can I give to them that worth their money paying on the book. In the end, I decided not to make a fully commercialised. I wanted to be able to communicate with my readers and want them to have something to ponder on or know about me before they enjoy those sexy photos. So I made some artsy, conceptual photos combination with words and quotes. I wrote about being sexy is not about sexy physically but sexy in wisdom, smart, sexy physically is a bonus attraction and healthy is still important and not an excuse to say being sexy mentally is better and reject doing exercise for health.

 

Here is the e-book teaser and is now selling. To find out more information about this e-book on facebook, click here. 

Everything seems turned out fine. The launching date was fine, there are interested buyers on my e-book. Just when I selling two days later, my external hard disk dead where all my working files and modelling photos are in that disk. I felt I am just out of some luck. I was having the plan to making the second e-book if the first book turned out great as I still have more new photos have not published or shown before. But the lucky thing was I still have the e-book copy with me so I can still continue selling the e-book.

Shortly after that, I went to Japan with my partner as we already book the ticket earlier on. It was a temporary escape from the bad days I was having. I had a good relaxing trip and experienced the Japanese culture in Tokyo. I learnt that Japanese prioritise manners, sincerity, efficiency, productivity and expressive. But at the same time, from my perspective, I felt because of heavily prioritise manners and status, respect towards different status or position of people. I observed that some of them tend to judge or see people differently based on appearance, the clothes you wear etc. But they are also people who would care less what people say and wear with style like cosplay or different sense of fashion where you can find them in Harajuku other than just being the majority people there who wear suit and tie, or looking classy beautiful, fashionable.

I love how convenient of their train stations interlinked with different lines underground. So that, there is less demand on cars and more on public transport and walk a lot. Healthy but can be exhausting sometimes. They don't have much bench or chairs at the underground paths to maintain good traffic and not heavy crowd jam underground. Everyone is keep moving and spending time to the fullest, they mostly read books in train. No public rubbish bins to be found as their culture is to bring their rubbish back to home. And you will find how convenient and independent, great variety of options from food to clothes, clothes to health supplements.

I think that's all for now, I wish I can write more but its late night now. More things to prepare tomorrow. Wish me luck and good luck to you too.

Don't just follow blindly what society dos and don'ts, but just do what you think you should or shouldn't that is right and be true to yourself.

Lastly, I would like to share this to you all.



Good night.

Trip to Singapore: Photoshoots+ Pink Dot

Its my third time going to Pink Dot event as a foreigner to support the freedom to love.  My partner and I at first were just wanting to support the event and experience the crowd which filled with big big hearts from everyone. But after the first time we went, it became something that we always attend to show our supports annually like our honey moon. This time is same like last year but just gotten more people and I decided to do something more different which is to hug stranger who offer free hugs. I hugged two girls and I feel they are brave having a big heart to give love to the people in Pink Dot.



When I saw the Singapore flag hung by the helicopters and flew by Hong Lim Park field, my mind is saying I'm kind of sad or disappointed that Malaysia can't able to do this or accept such event and gone big issue talking about religions not accepting LGBT people. I felt Malaysia will have a long way to go before can reach the same standard or culture with Singapore. I felt the difference in terms of education, maturity and civilisation.

Anyway, my partner and I went there for 4 days and we caught up with his friends working in Singapore and tasted some food from certain restaurants which not in Malaysia yet such as Skinny Pizza and Tsukada Nojo ( collagen chicken soup).

This is the Skinny Pizza, its crispy and crunchy as it is thin pizza. We've ordered the Wild Truffled Mushroom pizza and another is Bolognese with Mozzarella. We had side dishes which are Sweet Potato Nibblets,  One quarter metre Long Sausage, and Seared Brie Cheese.

I didn't get to try more food because I was still conscious about food as I was having two photoshoots on separate days. Its my very first time went to Singapore for photoshoot and work together with Singaporeans which I enjoyed as they are friendly and serious at work at the same time. I had fun working with them.

This is the first photoshoot I had with Adrian Wong who knows makeup and hairstyle. So he is a photographer, MUA and a hairstylist. One-leg kick talented man. This is the makeup he put on my face with fake eyelashes, thick eyebrows, perfect looking skin and nice hairstyle. And I have think how to pose or express my facial expression without looking feminine as I had my fake eyelashes. Its a new challenge to me. The second photoshoot wasn't allow to have any photos taken during the shoot.

This also my first time to agreed photographed nude photos from photographer who I have never work with at all. I still remain not wanting showing my frontal in the full nude artsy photos. So, they will be covered with my legs or hands or just showing my back. I still do not prefer to have my genitals shown to public.

Well, as some of you might wonder just like me when I'm not ready to be nude about reason why nude. But after hearing the explanation and experience, I understand that to begin with nude, you have faced the biggest fear of yourself in modelling industry. When you've faced the greatest fear of being nude, you will naturally fear less or nothing when you trying to pose from wearing nothing to wearing something. It will just somehow make you forget about the worries on trying to pose best and cover something. But of course, do not simply nude for photographer, but with trusted photographer and don't nude for the wrong purposes. There's fine line between pornography and artistic / fashion and others.

I will post the photos on the next post. Hope you guys enjoy =)

Acting no dialogue workers in《无间行者》

Its my very first time participated in drama series production team for finding some side income. I have no idea what was I going to act as till the day came which is yesterday. I was only informed I act as a worker. Then only found out I need to act as a drugs analyst worker/maker. We shot the whole day as we reach the location which is at Jalan Maharajalela since 7am till 10.43pm. But mostly have some scenes we need to wait our turn to come.

In the room we shoot as science laboratory for making drugs is the most hottest, humid, stuffy place we shot. When we just started the first scene to shoot, the friends I just met on that day who are acting the same role with me, we all were immediately sweating like raining. I was the worst one, I remember we all were wearing the doctor's coat and the mask cover the mouth and shower head wear. I was sweating till my mask can fill up some sweat liquid in it.

At that time everyone who acting in that place also sweat including the main actor and actress which is Aenie Wong and Adrian Chan. Of course there will be difference treatment between main actor and actress with us who is just a sub actor with no dialogue. They have assistants who helped me wipe sweat and on mini fan to keep them refreshing from time to time. But they are very nice people as well when they saw me sweating very badly, they also ask their assistant to give tissue to me.

Overall, I had a nice experience to been through the production process and understand the bitterness of them having hard time to get what the director's want for scenes and remembering the lines and be into the story's environment and act seriously to save time without too many NGs.

The workers behind the camera also having long time working with the actors and directors such as the camera men and the sound recorders, order and bring meals to everyone, etc.

But during the waiting time, I didn't take this chance to take photos with any actors or actress because I feel I need to keep a respect distant to them although they are friendly but because I personally not very often watch TV or drama series, so I not very know them well, so I feel a bit embarrassing to ask take photos with them.

But overall, I appreciate I get a chance to work closely with the actor and actress given by the director's assistant. Although the payment is not high but is reasonable for actors with no dialogue and had a different experience to me.

When good things hardly come, or good things come to an end.

I don't know how many of you being criticized before or being told something like because you are thin, so you are easier to gain lean abs, or because you are fat, thats why you easy to gain big muscles or big chest. But above all that, do not care what people says when you know best about how much effort you have put or how long how hard you have sustaining or reaching your goal. Never let them bring you down with their words or eyes, you define and shape yourself as who you are or what you want to become, I know its hard to be what you want when you aren't surrounded by inspiring  environment or even harder you're at the stage or trying to make a living with a job or given talent that seems hard to tolerate with your ideal dream.

I have to say no matter you are thin or fat, nobody will get abs without any hard works. I started abs workout on and off since I was 12 until now. It wasn't consistent but I never give up on my abs before as I have the desire to be muscular or at least fit guy.

And I can understand how hard for people who are similar or same with me, an advertising design graduated degree student or a graphic designer, who actually have much almost equal amount of passion in design world as well as health and fitness field when comes to reality, you know designer's life who if isn't self employed or you being your own boss, you maybe most probably spending longer time at work than at gym or even eating.

I have to come clean that my first job after my graduation I did screwed up on getting a job that isn't really my ideal job where passion and patience really got tested surrounded in a environment where you feel every one here is just want to live a normal straight people life and I don't know whether its ok to confess that I am gay will be accepted and not being fired as one of the reasons. Second, I am not sure I wrote about it before, but in the nutshell, I think I am a person who needs to be guided when comes to working in something unfamiliar during probation time and I do not like to be lied by worker, no matter you are boss or my senior, you cannot lie hiding the fact that there's a mountain of works being left by the previous designer before I came and then I have to work like a mad dog in a small company. Its fine if my other parts of my life are very not rely on myself dealing with things, but I personally have to do house chores for my house and its not only for myself as I living in a single parent family.

Yes, my bad on not having the big patience to prolong working on a job for at least a year, I quitted when my senior officially change to sales department after my one and the half month of probation, I felt not making sense when I only got one senior to learn from, I spent 8 to 10 hours in the office everyday, and being told I have to self learn and self motivate and self update for ideas and new technologies, I clearly know this is not for me because I know myself that I don't want any further sleepless nights like I used to have in university life, I just want a well balanced life for my family, my work and my dream and fitness health.

Maybe because I have deeply affected on my mum passed away due to cancer which led me greatly alert on health. Not only that reason, as you may know as I repetitively mentioned before I have weak immune system since young, easy get those little illness or skin rashes etc and I got weaker after my university life.

And now being jobless and trying work on my own, self employed, testing many kinds of art relevant works, experimenting, I still face family pressure or stress as I living with them. I know sometimes I can choose not to listen or care, but there are times I feel I've reached the bottle neck stage, emotion is greatly affected and loyalty to passion and dream really got tested when surrounded by very little supporters.

There also times I feel is very impossible for me in such situation now and still wanting to be model when I know basically for male model industry in Malaysia, no one will look for thin male model, and I need spend more money on gaining weight as well as work harder to earn more money before I can even get into modelling world when I don't really have the model look or even special face features to be remember and also blemish sensitive face.

Thus, I have set a deadline for myself straight away after few trials to find part time or permanent modelling jobs. I had much struggle when I decided to block this road temporary and focus on other things to start up little business or get a permanent job where my strengths are if I am unable to really make a living nor heading closer to goals by doing what I am currently doing. Decided to give up trying to get the goal of being the perfect man with perfect packages from inside and out when February ends since I used to be ugly from the start. But that doesn't mean is the end of what I began here. But youth have a limit as this is the fact, I still have many works to do, racing with the time of youth.

Never let anyone's false statements and false critiques bring you down until you bring yourself down by reality effects for survival. It takes more than just exercise, to get a tough, lean, well defined body.