Thursday, November 21, 2013

Lost my car, Trip to Japan. Ups and Downs

I have been not active updating my blog for quite some time since the last post. Many things happened like a roller coaster lately. And I'm still working as Freelance Graphic Designer, Freelance Photographer and part time model. But I'm applying and searching my ideal Graphic Design job lately and started attending job interview.

Who am I to have the privilege for asking, getting or choosing an ideal job instead of the job choose me when comes to reality in this competitive industry. I do question myself and also asked myself what can I offer or give in return by working in the company. Basically, I really answer instantly other than I have the passion in illustration art and design as long as there's something sparkle me, inspire me and keep me driven. So, I think its dual parties efforts completing, harmonise  each other, if I get to work in a good working environment of the company, I will get the spirit to contribute back to the company.

For the past few weeks or months have been ups and down for me. I not only decided to take the guts to enter Asia New Star Model Search competition, representing the nerds or geeks like me to try to be an example for them if I can be a model and so can they, it just matter of passion and will to learn and risk to change for the better.

Although I didn't get into the finalists and being such a thick face joining the contest that really seems impossible or maybe not suitable for me or yet so much more to learn for me as a geek to transform into a full model who is presentable not only in front of the camera but also at public events or occasions. But I am still very glad and happy that I have took the chance to experience something different which not everyone of us would normally do from ordinary people's point of view such as me. And I am happy I got into semi finalists and my friends and my small group of fans/supporters encouraged me to join and glad that at least tried and got into semi finalists better than nothing or never try.

(Left image: Was captured as contestant photo)

I was excited for a moment when I got into the semi finalists but at the same day they announced for the finalists and I got eliminated.

It was like so happy that I make it for a moment and being crushed on the next moment happened shortly on the same day. I was at first having little hard time to digest the situation although I do know I wasn't the best looking or the most experienced, most confident model among them. So, I accepted my failure. I was having a long time thinking what if I did conquer my fear and nervousness and be a little more confident, I would have got in. What if I did deliver my speech or my message completely, I would have got in, etc. etc.....

What if there is no "what if" is the fact that woke me up and just move on doing the next thing for my life. Its not the end just because I lost in one competition, and its not the end of the world or life just because I might not be suitable, successful in modelling, I see myself still having other values and strength or skills in me from what I learnt and studied. Failure after failure, you might get a success after learning the mistakes from all the accumulated failure experiences.

Things didn't go as smooth as it seems after that, I have some personal issues and I decided I need to move out staying with friend or my partner to learn some independence without over relying on family or over tolerating some lifestyle habits which I found not working for the better. I may be wrong, but I think sometimes the best way to learn and grow maybe by falling hard or try to slowly stepping out form the comfort zone into a new environment. I am scare and worry at the same time, but I have seen my friends where their hometowns are nowhere near to the city and have moved to a totally very new, unfamiliar place to grow, start from zero. Because starting from zero, you have very limited choices and options. You will tend learn have the patience to bare certain harsh bad situation and willing to work for any bad situations just to make the end meets. Which I think, I found myself have not learn such yet entirely, I guess. I was pretty stubborn prioritising living a balanced healthy lifestyle which I guess many of you will say that is what boss will think about or maybe living one now.

But because from what I experienced from my late mum who died of cancer, I realised health comes first before job or money or passion. If one health doesn't maintained well, one basically having everything falls apart. So, I believed strongly in having a well balanced lifestyle by living wisely, but of course that cannot be an excuse for not working hard, but work enough for all kinds of things in life.

As I mentioned things didn't go well, I lost my car, not exactly my car. I will say its my dad's car that have lived with us, me since the year I was born. It have been with me for 23 years. My car was stolen just where I parked my car right in front of my house. I loved that car is not because its some kind of fancy or branded or expensive car. In fact, it wasn't. It is just a low or middle class Proton car which I find it suits my status perfectly as I am just a freelance graphic designer, photographer and model, no fixed income yet, no good stable income too. I got pretty frustrated when I lost my car during this time when I planning to move out, I had a oversea trip coming on next two weeks after the day my car stolen and was planning to get a job and go for job interviews. Questions start popping in my head and finding solutions to the problems without personal transport.

And previously, my partner did suggested to me about fund raising for facebook modelling page by giving away my photos or a photobook for those who donate money to me for raising fund to pursue my modelling career or other related purposes. But I wasn't having great faith and confidence in me after some time of not getting a permanent modelling career. I feel a little lost and worry as I wonder will my fans support me on fund raising, or will there be buyers for my photobook and who willing to be publishing. But after I lost my car, I felt I have a big lost that I am responsible to cover my lost quickly. Plus, I am not sure will I ever have more modelling photo shoots again in future or will my dream of being a successful hunk achieved as I see myself still a slim fit guy till present and not having a fixed income and fix working time to manage a fix body workout time and eat healthily, sleep on time etc, etc...  Thus, I decided to do a compilation of my modelling photos into an e-book with some never seen before photos or footages or some censored photos as I referred to some other male model photobook have similar content. And also, part of me know that partially my fans like to see the sexy me and I part of me like to be sexy or being a little exhibitionist as I like showing my slim fit muscular body. But at the same time, I feel I don't want just make a sexy book or adult porn-like book. I don't want my fans to see me just being sexy, or just empty shell flaunting good body seeking for attention for no better reason other than self vain. Or being misunderstood thinking I am just being a slut or porn star. I was afraid being judged and receiving very bad criticism from people but at the same time I know what or who I am or what am I doing, as long as I am not hurting anyone, teaching or misguiding people the bad things, I am just going to remain being me. And I understand that I can't make everyone loves me, and not everyone will understand me or know me or even my works. Its a definite that some people hate, some people like. Not everyone understand or interpret your works accurately.

I was asking myself, what do I want them to get or receive from my ebook other than just visually appealing? what can I give to them that worth their money paying on the book. In the end, I decided not to make a fully commercialised. I wanted to be able to communicate with my readers and want them to have something to ponder on or know about me before they enjoy those sexy photos. So I made some artsy, conceptual photos combination with words and quotes. I wrote about being sexy is not about sexy physically but sexy in wisdom, smart, sexy physically is a bonus attraction and healthy is still important and not an excuse to say being sexy mentally is better and reject doing exercise for health.

Here is the e-book teaser and is now selling. To find out more information about this e-book on facebook, click here. 

Everything seems turned out fine. The launching date was fine, there are interested buyers on my e-book. Just when I selling two days later, my external hard disk dead where all my working files and modelling photos are in that disk. I felt I am just out of some luck. I was having the plan to making the second e-book if the first book turned out great as I still have more new photos have not published or shown before. But the lucky thing was I still have the e-book copy with me so I can still continue selling the e-book.

Shortly after that, I went to Japan with my partner as we already book the ticket earlier on. It was a temporary escape from the bad days I was having. I had a good relaxing trip and experienced the Japanese culture in Tokyo. I learnt that Japanese prioritise manners, sincerity, efficiency, productivity and expressive. But at the same time, from my perspective, I felt because of heavily prioritise manners and status, respect towards different status or position of people. I observed that some of them tend to judge or see people differently based on appearance, the clothes you wear etc. But they are also people who would care less what people say and wear with style like cosplay or different sense of fashion where you can find them in Harajuku other than just being the majority people there who wear suit and tie, or looking classy beautiful, fashionable.

I love how convenient of their train stations interlinked with different lines underground. So that, there is less demand on cars and more on public transport and walk a lot. Healthy but can be exhausting sometimes. They don't have much bench or chairs at the underground paths to maintain good traffic and not heavy crowd jam underground. Everyone is keep moving and spending time to the fullest, they mostly read books in train. No public rubbish bins to be found as their culture is to bring their rubbish back to home. And you will find how convenient and independent, great variety of options from food to clothes, clothes to health supplements.

I think that's all for now, I wish I can write more but its late night now. More things to prepare tomorrow. Wish me luck and good luck to you too.

Don't just follow blindly what society dos and don'ts, but just do what you think you should or shouldn't that is right and be true to yourself.

Lastly, I would like to share this to you all.

Good night.

No comments: