Happy Birthday to myself, I've earned another year of life. Feeling blessed and appreciated. Celebrated two times, one with my family another with my partner and his mum. =) My mind went a little nervous and blank when they asked me to make a wish before blow the candles, I just quickly made a general wish which is " a better year". Basically, I wish for a good health, balance life and stable income and yet able to do the things I love yet able to inspire people or able to give something meaningful/valuable to society from what I love to do, life is about give and take, nothing comes for granted.
Well I think I should share my story a little about my background. I came from a single parent family where my mum passed away more than 3 years ago due to cancer. My family and I have been gone through a tough time from taking care my mum and the family support system, we have issues from family responsibilities, learnt about self responsibilities, self independence, self survival, family values, gratitude, life, prioritise health than job, etc etc. It made me grow up more mentally and spiritually, but also made me more independent and felt lonely without presence of late mum who had conquered a place in my heart.
I will say I became mature on certain family, love life and health perspective but I am not mature in working life perspective yet. I am pretty struggle about letting go about the concept of balance lifestyle when comes to work. Everyone tells me the same thing and I really wish I can prove them wrong but I maybe wrong just because the majority people thinks no such fact is right? Or maybe my real passion is to become a model and also a gym instructor/gym personal trainer because I am more hardworking and willing to commit in getting a good body and healthy eating than my drawing art skill? I doubt myself either.
I came out to my family except some of my relatives when I am with my current boyfriend during the second year. It was tough for my family to take time to understand something unfamiliar to them, to go through what I have been through when I first found out about myself. I was worried so much that I collect a lot of information about gay and how to confess to parents in the best way for us to understand and avoid things turn worse. I had two short term relationships before my current one and I learnt a lot from this relationship about, tolerance, communications, learn from each other, teach each other, patience, understanding, respect and more. I know my partner dislike me being his partner and yet showing a lot of skin taking sexy photos for part time modelling and also self interest and also for side income purpose and he still willing to support me doing what I love doing and doing it right and not mistreat him.
When I was young, I already know I am gay when I always being attracted to male underwear packaging box with the great body male model wearing sexy underwear. And I always feel I want to be just same like them. Its kind of ironic feeling of me being attracted to muscular body and yet feel jealous and frustrated of myself not having such body or not reaching my ideal goal yet. But I know its ain't easy. But that time I have never thought of becoming a model, I just thought I am being a useless narcissist. I was ugly nerdy geek back to younger days until I met my current partner who had polished me, taught me on beauty health. Which also made me have more dreams than just being a fit guy, I want to be wise too. I know I may not be a wisest or smart student material to be perfect, I wish to learn something more from what I interested, healthy diet and also expand my art interest with more diff media, photography.
After one year working as freelance graphic designer, photographer, part time model. I already felt this is not where I wanted to be for the rest of my life. But I feel I don't want abandoned what I have studied and what I was being given with the talent which everyone said so to me when I always think it can be trained. So I got a full time office graphic design relevant job which my friends all told me to gain experience first. I wasn't really feeling this is my dream job or my dream life too or a job that I feel its ok to work hard as what I want for my career life but instead I feel I just want to get a fixed income at the moment.
Which now I not sure shall I invest myself or dive myself into fitness health industry since I prioritise healthy and balanced lifestyle. Will I survive? will I fail? Risk fears me and regret gets me worry of wasting time and efforts but only action will make things come true. I hope I make a decision before mid year comes and I wish luck is on my side to clear my direction of career path. Am I able to commit fully into fitness health and bare the pain of hardships?