Thursday, November 12, 2015

My 25 self.

During the making of "25" e-photobook, there's many things I wished I could have written down. But I didn't, I just told myself I need to be positive and show the bright sides of me. Naming "25" title is no lie that I got inspired from Adele's previous albums, naming it by certain age of her life telling her story of that year. But I never thought after I named it, Adele released her album "25" this year too. Listening to her "Hello", I wished I can just say the same and draining out sad negative vibes. "They say that time's supposed to heal ya, but I ain't done much healing." I told myself to shake it off, so I wrote things standing in a neutral point of view or left with a question mark or indecisive answer. I cannot show I am weak, I can only show I have been through the obstacles and I am still moving on.

They asked "how are you going to survive being a freelance?",  he asked "What's your next plan?". Family worries you are not on the right path surviving. "How are you going to make money?" "Are you special enough?" I wish I know everything. I wish I can sing well, I wish I can dance. At this age of time where you have to be good at more than one thing. It seems no one showing respect and appreciation of professional at one thing anymore. Everyone is draining out every drip of talent juice they have. Somewhere some parts of the art world seems dying, fading, lost, gone. I wish I can tell you these. But I just want to say I can do it.

Every time after done making an e-photobook,  I always doubt myself whether able to make the next one. It's tough, it's scary to think that I will be able to survive from this e-photobook to make the next one. Always doubt what I can do to be better, so that I can show something new on the next e-photobook. I ain't the mainstream person, I don't know how to survive getting on the front line,  it's a lot of investment to put on my own self.

Strangers asked or told me many things, "You seems did a lot of underwear photoshoot.", "Can you introduced me the photographers? so I can bring my models/talents to them.", "Any handsome model or friends to introduce?" , "Did models make out with photographers/HMUA?", "saw your e-photobook selling somewhere else." all kinds of uncomfortable statements or comments and questions I felt as if I own the right to choose what photoshoot to do when I am working as a model, as if I am only a middle man to some people for knowing other resourceful talented people. I just told myself, if there ain't roads shown for you, you can only pass to others where roads are looking for them in positive thinking way.

Saying to myself, "It's not your fault that you have tried many ways, failures are just part of the journey to success." (where I ain't feeling it yet) But I got to have faith in it. Talking to someone seems like myself after 5-6 years with almost same birthdate, I hope I know where will I supposed to be in better me.

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