Today I just want to write about certain things I've experienced and have thoughts about the things and also clarify things. I am doing OK, no worries.
First thing first, about the nude photos being leaked online. I wrote things about it like "my penis is more famous than me in person, my body and face, my talents." Well, I am not nagging or whining about it like a complaint but more like a statement of truth or a fact. I made fun of myself about that statement and at the same time reflecting how the society are as part of the world we live in. Yes, the only frustrated thing I have is the leaked photos which initially for selling as pocket money or salary. And this next thing, I said before and I am going to say again, almost all the photoshoot I've worked are not paid, either the photographers think they shouldn't pay because they thinks they should get paid for photographing you (which is arguable point and they aren't wrong either). or they are poor financially photographers who looking for low budget portfolio for themselves. Or we both have this idea we both agreed or like to do and we tried. So all these we came with conditions because I don't have much money and I want to make money from making nice model photos work together with photographer. I asked to have the photos for my e-photobook and at the same time, they can use the photos for themselves too but with notification and permissions. So, I can earn my money from the photoshoot which I don't get paid.
About the nude photos of me, many friends of mine worry because they never really know what modelling jobs I worked for although they heard of me selling e-photobooks. And also maybe their mind find this as a negative thing for taking nude photos. I am not upset because of having the nude photos photographed and leaked. Because from the moment I agree to take nude photos, I know what am I doing and I treat these as my modelling job, artwork or portfolio which I made. I only upset because no credits given either photographers or me and the photos are for commercial purposes and not for free. Many my friends who aren't from this model industry or photography will stereotypically thinks all models are just model for clothes, products, services, TVC talents. Which is yes, if you are lucky enough, unique enough, outstanding attractive and are the one who majority likes, your career is smoother than baby oil. And there are still models for work for artistic photoshoot, or art and makeup photoshoot, photography have many categories. Depends what you want to try, the niche market or the competitive market. For me, I'm not popular or special and often do not get model for any clothing or products except underwear or underwear with plain t-shirt only, so I started up trying to be model for sexy or nude photography where most models don't do. It is not only try to give myself an extra path to go, but also overcome my fear being in front of camera. Once I've experienced nude in front of camera, you get to be more relax or more focus on posing right with or without clothes than having worry thoughts showing up at my face.
And of course, I will never know what's the best way to tell my family and not planning to tell since they aren't even happy when I trying modelling jobs at the first place, don't even think about telling being nude model.
Exposing yourself to nudity might not sounds as bad as you can imagine. It's like sex, the more you try to hide sex knowledge to younger generation, the more they eager to know or find out by themselves. Why not just educate them that nudity is nothing to be afraid of, it just part of your body and learn how to see as norm than trying to over reacting or sensitive about it, and not always have to link it to dirty things. Its like Japan where they produced many adult content photos or anime etc etc. But they may have used to it as norm that they could make fun of it, or oversee all the lust and see the soul. This doesn't apply to all Japanese but I'm saying what's important is how your mind thinks than treating it as something like end of the world. And it's funny when people responded to Japan's earthquake and nuclear exploded as "karma" than helping out.
Second thing is about manners versus friendship when talking about bad news. Because many friends are kind enough to tell me about my leaked photos, and I get to see how many ways of communicating or delivering bad news. And one of them scolded me as he said my respond sounded nasty. The situation is like this he said "hi, just FYI." and then attached his print screen photo. So, I asked, "then give me the tumblr username at least or the link." then he just said is a reblogged and the source is not found. Which at that time, I was contacting one tumblr user to remove the source photo. Then I told my friend, maybe it already removed because I just contacted one user to remove it. Then, he print screen another photo showing me is still there. I overlooked this time the second print screen which include the username and then I said, "Well if you can't open the source of the photo then you can give me the username, I go search by myself." Then, he said "It's already on the screen, You don't have to sound so nasty. I don't have the obligation to inform you that your nudes is shown in public." and I got angry, "I just say you can give me the account name, sorry I didn't see properly. And you don't have to sound like that too, having problems is me. And you are not the first person just print screen without giving the link and I have to search by myself."
And he just went over the line saying "Yeah, is not the first time I am so busybody and not the first time I responding like this. You could have sound politely and say thank you for informing. We do not owe you anything or have the obligation to inform you."
I was like, What the heck saying loud in my heart. Imagine if this situation is about informing my mum died and I have to say thank you for informing? Our friendship is such paper thin that manner first than solving the problems together and where did the hell I sounded nasty?Or is he just have been working in Singapore too long adapting the "anything also complain" attitude? Then I just said, "Sorry if you have to feel nasty from the words I typed but interpreted by your mind. Thank you for informing and sorry if I made you feel you owed me obligation."
I am pissed. Now I looked back, I still feel childish. And if I compare, I have a supporter of my e-photobook who just dropped me message about the leaked photos and he said "sorry for bringing the bad news". Now I just felt maybe he just had rough day, I don't know. I only remember we used to have smooth conversation and now like being so sensitive when I always was being said I am the sensitive one.
And he just brought me memories of he used to tell me he hate me speaking English because he felt I am speaking proper English accent like I pretending to be an English. I personally feel that why some people couldn't see certain things in a positive way. Some American celebrities tend to speak English accent because they like the accent only and not trying to be someone who they aren't unless they pretend to be the one who do not know how to speak their native language. That one, I will not like it, people who try to speak English accent and pretend not knowing their native language. I don't mind people speaking more than one language or speaking in proper pronunciation. Why can world be a little happier?