Sunday, September 7, 2014

My story, your knowledge?

Today I decided to talk more about myself, since J-Yau suppose to be a brand with story and J-Yau is me, Jason L.H. Yau.  Story about me isn't really something very special to be alienated or something. I am not sure whether I have mentioned before I am gay and I have a partner. And saying this publicly in my country I not sure whether I will get arrested and hated by certain not understanding religious people.

I remembered I wrote my story before but I deleted due to not really sure is it safe or am I ready to tell or are my readers that open mind with open heart to know me.

I have siblings and I am the youngest in the family. My late mum passed away due to breast cancer third stage when I was about 21 years old to 22 years old, before that we were going through the difficulties in curing mum and handling household things we all learnt a lot things from surviving to trying defining the meaning of life. Whenever talk about topic of life, it simply frustrated me or can get me emotional on the fragility of life and doubts of what to achieve before life comes to an end.

I left my home just almost a year now, to be exact is just about 10 months. I still have gathering with my dad and sibling once in every two weeks. People questioned me about why leaving house, I will always say because of career and work. And of course, there are other reasons actually. Where should I start this? I come from a family where when I was younger, I have never been close to any relatives at all for some negative reasons. Partially I never grown up having most of the time spent with my mother's side relatives and I never find myself able to fit in well or get along closely with my father's side relatives as well till I have became an adult.

Like any typical asian family or relatives, we were often like to be compared since young, from wealth to educations, successes and achievements. My family used to be middle-class family and we always living a middle class lifestyle except my dad who was grown up with a better environment with his siblings and so they used to like to compare till recent years we all had our downfall time and we sort of realized we all aren't that perfectly doing great and we all are humans and we started to comparing less but still like to gossips a lot. Because of from where I grew up, I never feel close to certain relatives or cousins except some who I felt the similarities and able to relate myself with them.

Nobody likes to feel of losing a mother, a wife, or a sibling early. But how many of us learn something from the incident and become a better, stronger person other than regrets and appreciate more of the ticking time and says, "I wish I have more time for all these. (achievements, success, communication, happiness, family, love etc. etc."
At the first time finding out myself is gay during secondary school/ high school, like every other gay, I feeling like an abnormal kid, a monster, weirdo, any labels which rejected by society that you can think of. I have thought of ending my life during that teenage time. I was very self center that time  until I found out my mum got cancer when I was age 17 turning 18. At that time I not planning to come out of the closets until I got graduated with degree.

I am pretty lucky to have some gay friends who educate me more information on gay and the outside world and more information from psychology, psychiatrist perspective, counselling. Thus, I am ready on how to confess to my dad.  I came out to my siblings first during the hard times and also after my late mum passed away. There was a moment I felt, coming out to dad is harder than coming out to my mum if she was still here.  I got into a long term relationship and still on going which caught my dad's suspicion of my sexuality and my siblings aren't there to cover for me and pushes me to took the initiative to confess and I am ready with my aunt's suggested psychiatrist to meet my dad and I. The truth is gay wasn't an illness stated since 90's and trying to transform me back to straight can be done but I won't be happy as the psychiatrist said and he further said I am doing fine like a normal person. The only thing that matter is that dad need to take time to digest and accepting his son is gay.
Which I already knew about needing to have the patience as a son to give dad the time like how I give myself the time to accept who I first found out I am gay at 14-15 years old. I came out to dad at age 22.

I have never been very close to dad since I was a kid because he always working outstation or oversea or his construction projects. I used to not close to my dad and I have a bad temper. We only got closer bond as father and son after my mum passed away. But there is still always a gap between us, and disagreements/arguments between us. I guess is about the men's ego and stubbornness. But to explain in a more detailed but not specific in what kind of silly problems that I chose to moved out, I can only say I have my capability, ability limitation when comes to responsibility. I can only handle these much of the responsibility scope or duties. But if I was being put into a bigger responsibilities and no better solutions given on owning luxury assets or something more than I need and more than I can handle, I am not going to put my head into the bigger hat. I didn't sign up for this. As one make its bed, one must lie on it. I was more than just angry about his ego and inconsiderate action and not negotiable, communicable manner. My only hope of what I can do is to get  enough money to own a smaller home where I can handle and yet able to have dad stay with me if he wants.
Other than that, I also hope to have my privacy on working what I like, for example on modelling, having sexy portraits. I don't think I can ever tell my family about it because I know them. 

About my work, I find it contradict and sometimes a little heartbroken. I don't mind doing nudity photoshoots for capturing the moments of my best either in youth, in body physiques or for expressing art or erotic art. But many times, things have to be commercialised to fulfil the majority of the society/target audience's desire. Sometimes I got frustrated when I hear people say " I will only buy the photos if got full nude/or full frontal nude" or "too expensive, other people nude photos cheaper/free to see online"  I felt like no one cares from my perspective, like, I also have my family, I also work hard for myself, I maybe an exhibitionist but I am also a human. People like to see and yet like to make some unreasonable critique and requests.  Every job has its professionalism and not everyone able to fulfil, when a person is working hard, that person just hoping to be respected and appreciated. Underwear models aren't strippers, strippers aren't prostitutes, every occupation got its requirements which not everyone able to fulfil. I just hope to get some appreciation and respect and excessive demands.

J-Yau is searching the simplicity in complexity, J-Yau is a contradict perfectionist who understand the imperfect reality and seeks for a simple life. J-Yau is a wanting to forgets what's left broken, unfix and move forward than being motionless trapped in depression. J-Yau allows feelings comes and go like breathing and never wants to stuck in a maze of addiction in any kind of feelings. J-Yau is a dream chaser, believes in balancing between dream and reality, defy the negative reality cracks and immerse them with the liquidity dream/s. J-Yau is not just a human nature express yourself, express love, hope for mutual respect, mutual sharing, wisdom and beauty exchange.

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