Life like a roller coaster is interesting? Mr. Utopia contest can change my life? I am not perfect.

When I said my life is like a roller coaster, I didn't really mean it in a good way although it may sounds interesting dramatic life. But I don't really prefer dramatic life. And life is never really about timing of early or late, or what's fair or what's not. And Buddha story told us that "Birth, Old, Sick Death" is a fact and a cycle that no one can escape but to accept and learn to treat the cycle as norm and not a kind of suffering.

Timing really is nothing about too early or late in life, we don't get to choose when we die or when will I lost my mum, and so, moving out early to start live alone and try learn to earn money and survive is never too early. Its never too early to learn about being mature in thinking. Being gay is nothing rare or new or very special to write into a book to be read by people nowadays, is just that there's still parts of this planet earth will not accept nor understand.

So what makes me say my life is like a roller coaster? The ups and downs in life, is my late mum that taught me to be less self-centered about my own problem and learn to be more than independent, is my siblings that taught me being the youngest in the family like me doesn't mean I will be loved the most or take the least responsibilities for the family. Is my grandparents had taught me the olden generation life was tougher than my generation and learnt to be savvy but being savvy doesn't mean have to be selfish or steal or own things more than you need.

Being gay and attached and confess to family are another part of my experiencing my journey of life, although we always say gay people is same like straight people, we also have the playboy, the emo, the geek/nerd, the hunky, the good and bad lovers like straight people, just not everyone can see that. So, my partner and I had our hard time to go through confessing to our parents and trying to live together in a room with my partner's mum and I now can called her mum is a sense of being recognised and confirmed/approved relationship is really a comforting news to me. She may not be like my mum to replace what I have lost and regret in life, but it is a lucky thing to be able to be loved like a son and mother. And maybe because I came from a different family background, I found living here with my partner and my "mum" , I feel happier and less stress except for my job and my future career and fitness/health.

I always envy or feel that I am slightly less fortunate when comes to blemish skin like mine and people always ask me why, there's no answer to that, I am just born with weaker immune system and sensitive skin. I am just not gifted with a healthy body and skin to live like the beautiful people that surrounds me in every day life. I am just gifted the acknowledgement to live a healthy lifestyle, I am not born with handsome face, beautiful body and golden key. I have learnt life has never really been fair, and I just have to work double the efforts to be like their standards, its hard and its tiring sometimes, but from here I learnt what's more important is inner beauty than outer beauty, I will still continue to look good on the outside, but when comes to knowing people now I learnt to look from the inner beauty to outer beauty.

Sometimes I respect people who got the wisdom to use his/her body as a marketing tool to earn money like Lady Gaga to get attention and then notice her creativity in art then lastly her music which not everyone able to do that or even accept people who brave enough to do it because of shame and what society shapes our mind and values. The body is a tool of feeling expression and the art to express your soul, also a marketing tool for nowadays society, sex sells, fitness physique sells. etc etc. But if you want to be more than just inspiring or just sexy, you better combine both and have a better message to deliver. You only lived once, so think what can you contribute to the society or what can you do while you are alive and what is the last impression you want people to get before you left the world.


Let's talk about Mr. Utopia contest. Utopia is a gay restaurant and bar. Yes, I finally find a contest that suits me than Malaysia Hunk contest which only for straight guys, but this one also is still a contest about metrosexual, fashionable, smart looking sexy hunk contest. Its, again a contest on confidence and sporting guy who is confident on stage. And again, I feel not so confident again, because I don't have good skin yet nor even have stage talents like dancing or singing or acting, not my strength, but its a good experience and its a chance of life changing to better or not.  But have to be pretty daring to flaunt your body and get attention and make people like you to get votes.

I sometimes always question where I will go or where will I be or belong, I wonder creative marketing exec. job will able to achieve the dreams I want and yet doing what I love such as fitness and health and modelling. I haven't found my path. Will gym trainer and entrepreneur make me happier and stable life.

Life is always the hardest when we always trying to be perfect and inspiring people around me, but once achieve will be the happiest thing happen in life.

Who's Birthday? my story, your knowledge.

Happy Birthday to myself,  I've earned another year of life. Feeling blessed and appreciated. Celebrated two times, one with my family another with my partner and his mum. =) My mind went a little nervous and blank when they asked me to make a wish before blow the candles, I just quickly made a general wish which is " a better year". Basically, I wish for a good health, balance life and stable income and yet able to do the things I love yet able to inspire people or able to give something meaningful/valuable to society from what I love to do, life is about give and take, nothing comes for granted.

Well I think I should share my story a little about my background. I came from a single parent family where my mum passed away more than 3 years ago due to cancer. My family and I have been gone through a tough time from taking care my mum and the family support system, we have issues from family responsibilities, learnt about self responsibilities, self independence, self survival, family values, gratitude, life, prioritise health than job, etc etc. It made me grow up more mentally and spiritually, but also made me more independent and felt lonely without presence of late mum who had conquered a place in my heart.

I will say I became mature on certain family, love life and health perspective but I am not mature in working life perspective yet. I am pretty struggle about letting go about the concept of balance lifestyle when comes to work. Everyone tells me the same thing and I really wish I can prove them wrong but I maybe wrong just because the majority people thinks no such fact is right? Or maybe my real passion is to become a model and also a gym instructor/gym personal trainer because I am more hardworking and willing to commit in getting a good body and healthy eating than my drawing art skill? I doubt myself either.

I came out to my family except some of my relatives when I am with my current boyfriend during the second year. It was tough for my family to take time to understand something unfamiliar to them, to go through what I have been through when I first found out about myself. I was worried so much that I collect a lot of information about gay and how to confess to parents in the best way for us to understand and avoid things turn worse. I had two short term relationships before my current one and I learnt a lot from this relationship about, tolerance, communications, learn from each other, teach each other, patience, understanding, respect and more. I know my partner dislike me being his partner and yet showing a lot of skin taking sexy photos for part time modelling and also self interest and also for side income purpose and he still willing to support me doing what I love doing and doing it right and not mistreat him.

When I was young, I already know I am gay when I always being attracted to male underwear packaging box with the great body male model wearing sexy underwear. And I always feel I want to be just same like them. Its kind of ironic feeling of me being attracted to muscular body and yet feel jealous and frustrated of myself not having such body or not reaching my ideal goal yet. But I know its ain't easy. But that time I have never thought of becoming a model, I just thought I am being a useless narcissist. I was ugly nerdy geek back to younger days until I met my current partner who had polished me, taught me on beauty health. Which also made me have more dreams than just being a fit guy, I want to be wise too. I know I may not be a wisest or smart student material to be perfect, I wish to learn something more from what I interested, healthy diet and also expand my art interest with more diff media, photography.

After one year working as freelance graphic designer, photographer, part time model. I already felt this is not where I wanted to be for the rest of my life. But I feel I don't want abandoned what I have studied and what I was being given with the talent which everyone said so to me when I always think it can be trained. So I got a full time office graphic design relevant job which my friends all told me to gain experience first. I wasn't really feeling this is my dream job or my dream life too or a job that I feel its ok to work hard as what I want for my career life but instead I feel I just want to get a fixed income at the moment.

Which now I not sure shall I invest myself or dive myself into fitness health industry since I prioritise healthy and balanced lifestyle. Will I survive? will I fail? Risk fears me and regret gets me worry of wasting time and efforts but only action will make things come true. I hope I make a decision before mid year comes and I wish luck is on my side to clear my direction of career path. Am I able to commit fully into fitness health and bare the pain of hardships?

Update on life and workout.

After entering the second month of my probation job as creative marketing, I started to get use of certain routine or a kind of lifestyle I am living for now. Trying to wake up on time to prepare own breakfast, shower, dress up, walk to train station, getting little sweaty and catch the train and bus on time to office for work before 9 a.m.. I have felt the goods and bads of taking train everyday, observe every one of us as human beings on train doing some selfish and some kind actions happening in train.

I have watched people trying to squeeze into the train no matter how full the train has been already filled, showing how selfish are we just so that we can go to work on time and we throw away our shame and face, being bold and forgotten what is the human/moral values. I have seen some people giving way and seats to the needy ones. I have seen a blind man with one eye heavily infected and eye popping out and trying to find his way to make the right call with his mobile phone. I have seen the rich and the poor taking the same train. In short, taking public transport make me and you see the daily lives of the people putting together with contrast, which i think is special of how life surrounds me or us with things like such to remind us something or make me learn from observation of things in life.

Other than working the usual weekdays and getting all dry up by squeezing creative juice and losing my inspiration to create, my desire of wanting to earn more pocket money at my current state, made me continue wanting to find some part time modelling photo shoot and also thinking to sell my next e-photobook. Well, its not all just about the money. Its also something i enjoy doing other than my job when everything goes smooth together. =)
And now I have a deal with Totomomo site open for my fans to sponsor items from Totomomo for my next coming e-photobook which themed "Fantasy/Not Myself" which will be kinky theme and also input my personal concept about fantasy and reality to deliver a small message before browsing the fantasy images like how I did the arrangement from the first e-photobook.


I have people message me about what items can be sponsor from Totomomo or what is my limit to wear for photoshoot such as cock ring or thongs. I will say I can wear that but I will match with another item to get it semi transparent covered or have something peekaboo.


This is my first e-photobook and still selling. To buy via Paypal or more information click the link below:
https://www.facebook.com/JsonYau/app_208195102528120

or you can buy from Totomomo also:
http://www.totomomo.co/E-Book-I-Started-Nothing-by-J-son-Yau-EB001.htm

Starting to cope back being active on my facebook page and blog and promoting and selling not many, but still some e-books, and finding sponsors and partners to work with from photographer, to props and concept, ideas, have made me busy lately and slightly lack of sleep. It has put me into doubt and questioning myself what is really best that suits me and make me happy working for, what job can make me happy and keep me going, able to keep me survive? I question myself am I capable of becoming a gym instructor and also a model?  etc etc... I started thinking about studying gym instructor course. I just only know that I enjoy doing workout and also photoshoots. Of course I still do enjoy doing painting, drawings, design and handcraft.

And I saw this article "Interview with Todd Sanfield":
http://www.myportiswaspsays.com/2014/01/a-new-interview-with-todd-sanfield-is.html?m=1
and I realised, it can be done and I am not alone. But I know its going to be really tough. And Todd Sanfield prove to me you can have many dreams but only matters is how you manage it. Am I going to follow and believe on what I am doing multi tasking can achieve success? I still think twice. Not everyone have the same strength and limitation.

I have met a few facebook friends and fan that I have never met before after I have moved to this rented place, and working in KL. I felt happy and lucky for that because after the long day working at office, I get pretty tired and out of drive.

Talk about my workout lately,  I haven't got a fix workout routine weekly. I workout 2- 3 times weekly. If I doing my workout at the condo gym, I will do cycling 100 meter to warm up my body, then I do stretching hands and legs and my back. Then I will do some kicking and some hips workout and planking. Then, I only start using the machine do chest, back, legs again, and lastly abs workout. Each other body parts workout I do 3 sets, each set 10 repetitions,  except for abs workout, I will do 4 sets and each set 20 repetitions. But sometimes I want to stress my muscle more, I will add a few extra reps. I hope this answer to people who had asked me about my workout in personal message before.

I hope I can get more photographers to work with for my e-photobook or for their portfolio too. I also looking for makeup artists or stylists to work with. And I also interested to look for publisher who is willing to publish my e-photobook into hardcopy, let me know the rates and details. 

Full time office job, typical asian working life.

How should I start write this post this time? I kind of lost of not knowing where shall I start after the Tokyo, Japan trip. I got a full time office job, creative marketing job. A typical being told is a 9 a.m. to 6.30p.m. job, sounds fair enough, an 8 hours daily job. But unfortunately, as we all or some of us have already know, this is a 9 - 7 or 8pm job or more. A very generic, general asian working office life.

I was being told to get used to it, such life as almost fully committed job. And sometimes I need to work on Saturday's night event job as a cameraman or photographer taking photos to promote their company active events all year round.  Well, its not something very bad if you love what you do, you will eventually willing to commit such and be there for the company always.

Let's talk about the benefits working as a Creative Marketing Executive in a "China-man" kind of company work flow and system. You can say I'm being stereotype on "China-man" company, but you cannot simply just say I am racist as I am a Malaysian Chinese too. I am just saying based on my personal experiences and point of views. Let's start, working in a new Creative Marketing department, you get to experience working a few labels, or sister's or children of the company products all by yourself or with one senior. You'll learnt to adapt the tough environment as "one-leg-kick" (one-man show) doing all, multi-tasking, know how to protect yourself by knowing your position responsibilities, your boundaries in order not to get bullied by other departments or employees asking you doing unnecessary tasks.

You'll learn to be independent, self discipline, workaholic to finish work on time or deal with very last minute amendments stress environment. And also, you'll get to broaden your networks through marketing events and deal with suppliers and know about the advertising rates.

Now, the disadvantages. Like I said, you will love your job if this is the life you want. But if you view from a healthy lifestyle perspective, it isn't really that healthy working long hours, not enough rest, no time to go relax or even exercise or practise a healthy lifestyle. Working long hours and less rest, relaxing hours will eventually, really, make you dumb as your mind didn't get to rest but constantly, squeezing for ideas and creative juice than having time to relax and get inspired, get fully charged to battle the next coming day.

So, how do I feel after 3 weeks of working as Creative Marketing Executive? which still under probation. Well, I have mixed feelings, because I still do design, its still one of things that interests me. But maybe I have mixed dreams of the ideal life of mine, being a model, doing art stuff, living a healthy life, inspires people. And being not popular model won't have fixed income and you have to invest money and time for keeping up a good looking body and face. I like being handsome or sexy fit model. At the same time, my talent is art, design, graphic design, photography. I am not given the talent to own the stage or even have the height to walk the runway. I am not that friendly to talk to strangers or make friends. I feel kind of tired rushing design works in the office for the whole day till night, not having dinner on time, no time to go body workout between 8.30 to 10pm time slot that I prefer,

Somehow I have slowly started to accept the way of a creative marketing or graphic designer life after a few times working from internship, my first short 2 months web designer job, my one year freelance designer job and my friends and sister telling me the same kind of lifestyle. I have to somehow accept the fact and no escape for it. I hope things can change over time on working lifestyle.

Starting a new job and moving out from family and staying with my partner in renting room with his mum is a whole new beginning. There's a saying, the starting point of everything will always be the hardest time. I hope i will still remember the life I want to live in than accepting the real life and let the reality shape me and become someone who I am not.  At this stage, I always wonder will i ever be the guy that I dream to become, and struggle to make a living with a fixed job which may not be what I desire the most but just the talent I have to keep me alive than doing what I love.

Starting a new job on a Christmas month have made me not being in the mood for Christmas nor even for New Year or Chinese New Year. I have mixed feelings as I feel I am back to zero again and there's so much more things waiting me to make the next milestone of my life. I have worked freelance jobs for a year, from graphic designer to photo touch up, photography to modelling, modelling to handcraft. I didn't get to achieve my dreams in this year though. I didn't get to win or get a full time modelling job, I didn't get to move the next stage or phase of my body shape as my target to get slightly hunkier than slim fit. I lost my car, I lost some of my self portraits and modelling photos, I didn't win any contest. I didn't get to try make own business, I don't have partners to work with. I got so much to learn.

It makes me feel the year end too soon and I have no choice to accept the truth. I am only human and I admit I dream too big, but I only lived once. I wish i can inspires people, but I don't think I am qualify to be a good role model to everyone as I have my imperfections and I am gay, plu. I have came out to my family but not my relatives, I am in a relationship with my partner for 3 years now and we staying together now with his mum in one small renting room.  And I worked as model for drawing class before, took sexy photos by photographer before, self portrait sexy kinky themes before. Will you still think I am a good role model to learn from? having underwear fetish or love to exhibit my fit body when I did my part on putting efforts to get good shape. People sometimes ask why wanna show or flaunt good body as some people just keep it for their lover or just self interest, no need be so showy. But that's just me, I just think if i paid my efforts on working hard for body, I feel i wanna show, some sort of proud, but I also won't show when I not having a good body shape. It gives me some sort of confidence. Its like, when one artist draw or paint an artworks, one would want to have audience to express the artwork to. I guess humans can't really just be alone, we always need someone or something to express and share to show the results, to deliver a message, to love and be loved.

Lost my car, Trip to Japan. Ups and Downs

I have been not active updating my blog for quite some time since the last post. Many things happened like a roller coaster lately. And I'm still working as Freelance Graphic Designer, Freelance Photographer and part time model. But I'm applying and searching my ideal Graphic Design job lately and started attending job interview.

Who am I to have the privilege for asking, getting or choosing an ideal job instead of the job choose me when comes to reality in this competitive industry. I do question myself and also asked myself what can I offer or give in return by working in the company. Basically, I really answer instantly other than I have the passion in illustration art and design as long as there's something sparkle me, inspire me and keep me driven. So, I think its dual parties efforts completing, harmonise  each other, if I get to work in a good working environment of the company, I will get the spirit to contribute back to the company.

For the past few weeks or months have been ups and down for me. I not only decided to take the guts to enter Asia New Star Model Search competition, representing the nerds or geeks like me to try to be an example for them if I can be a model and so can they, it just matter of passion and will to learn and risk to change for the better.

Although I didn't get into the finalists and being such a thick face joining the contest that really seems impossible or maybe not suitable for me or yet so much more to learn for me as a geek to transform into a full model who is presentable not only in front of the camera but also at public events or occasions. But I am still very glad and happy that I have took the chance to experience something different which not everyone of us would normally do from ordinary people's point of view such as me. And I am happy I got into semi finalists and my friends and my small group of fans/supporters encouraged me to join and glad that at least tried and got into semi finalists better than nothing or never try.

(Left image: Was captured as contestant photo)

I was excited for a moment when I got into the semi finalists but at the same day they announced for the finalists and I got eliminated.

It was like so happy that I make it for a moment and being crushed on the next moment happened shortly on the same day. I was at first having little hard time to digest the situation although I do know I wasn't the best looking or the most experienced, most confident model among them. So, I accepted my failure. I was having a long time thinking what if I did conquer my fear and nervousness and be a little more confident, I would have got in. What if I did deliver my speech or my message completely, I would have got in, etc. etc.....

What if there is no "what if" is the fact that woke me up and just move on doing the next thing for my life. Its not the end just because I lost in one competition, and its not the end of the world or life just because I might not be suitable, successful in modelling, I see myself still having other values and strength or skills in me from what I learnt and studied. Failure after failure, you might get a success after learning the mistakes from all the accumulated failure experiences.

Things didn't go as smooth as it seems after that, I have some personal issues and I decided I need to move out staying with friend or my partner to learn some independence without over relying on family or over tolerating some lifestyle habits which I found not working for the better. I may be wrong, but I think sometimes the best way to learn and grow maybe by falling hard or try to slowly stepping out form the comfort zone into a new environment. I am scare and worry at the same time, but I have seen my friends where their hometowns are nowhere near to the city and have moved to a totally very new, unfamiliar place to grow, start from zero. Because starting from zero, you have very limited choices and options. You will tend learn have the patience to bare certain harsh bad situation and willing to work for any bad situations just to make the end meets. Which I think, I found myself have not learn such yet entirely, I guess. I was pretty stubborn prioritising living a balanced healthy lifestyle which I guess many of you will say that is what boss will think about or maybe living one now.

But because from what I experienced from my late mum who died of cancer, I realised health comes first before job or money or passion. If one health doesn't maintained well, one basically having everything falls apart. So, I believed strongly in having a well balanced lifestyle by living wisely, but of course that cannot be an excuse for not working hard, but work enough for all kinds of things in life.

As I mentioned things didn't go well, I lost my car, not exactly my car. I will say its my dad's car that have lived with us, me since the year I was born. It have been with me for 23 years. My car was stolen just where I parked my car right in front of my house. I loved that car is not because its some kind of fancy or branded or expensive car. In fact, it wasn't. It is just a low or middle class Proton car which I find it suits my status perfectly as I am just a freelance graphic designer, photographer and model, no fixed income yet, no good stable income too. I got pretty frustrated when I lost my car during this time when I planning to move out, I had a oversea trip coming on next two weeks after the day my car stolen and was planning to get a job and go for job interviews. Questions start popping in my head and finding solutions to the problems without personal transport.

And previously, my partner did suggested to me about fund raising for facebook modelling page by giving away my photos or a photobook for those who donate money to me for raising fund to pursue my modelling career or other related purposes. But I wasn't having great faith and confidence in me after some time of not getting a permanent modelling career. I feel a little lost and worry as I wonder will my fans support me on fund raising, or will there be buyers for my photobook and who willing to be publishing. But after I lost my car, I felt I have a big lost that I am responsible to cover my lost quickly. Plus, I am not sure will I ever have more modelling photo shoots again in future or will my dream of being a successful hunk achieved as I see myself still a slim fit guy till present and not having a fixed income and fix working time to manage a fix body workout time and eat healthily, sleep on time etc, etc...  Thus, I decided to do a compilation of my modelling photos into an e-book with some never seen before photos or footages or some censored photos as I referred to some other male model photobook have similar content. And also, part of me know that partially my fans like to see the sexy me and I part of me like to be sexy or being a little exhibitionist as I like showing my slim fit muscular body. But at the same time, I feel I don't want just make a sexy book or adult porn-like book. I don't want my fans to see me just being sexy, or just empty shell flaunting good body seeking for attention for no better reason other than self vain. Or being misunderstood thinking I am just being a slut or porn star. I was afraid being judged and receiving very bad criticism from people but at the same time I know what or who I am or what am I doing, as long as I am not hurting anyone, teaching or misguiding people the bad things, I am just going to remain being me. And I understand that I can't make everyone loves me, and not everyone will understand me or know me or even my works. Its a definite that some people hate, some people like. Not everyone understand or interpret your works accurately.

I was asking myself, what do I want them to get or receive from my ebook other than just visually appealing? what can I give to them that worth their money paying on the book. In the end, I decided not to make a fully commercialised. I wanted to be able to communicate with my readers and want them to have something to ponder on or know about me before they enjoy those sexy photos. So I made some artsy, conceptual photos combination with words and quotes. I wrote about being sexy is not about sexy physically but sexy in wisdom, smart, sexy physically is a bonus attraction and healthy is still important and not an excuse to say being sexy mentally is better and reject doing exercise for health.

 

Here is the e-book teaser and is now selling. To find out more information about this e-book on facebook, click here. 

Everything seems turned out fine. The launching date was fine, there are interested buyers on my e-book. Just when I selling two days later, my external hard disk dead where all my working files and modelling photos are in that disk. I felt I am just out of some luck. I was having the plan to making the second e-book if the first book turned out great as I still have more new photos have not published or shown before. But the lucky thing was I still have the e-book copy with me so I can still continue selling the e-book.

Shortly after that, I went to Japan with my partner as we already book the ticket earlier on. It was a temporary escape from the bad days I was having. I had a good relaxing trip and experienced the Japanese culture in Tokyo. I learnt that Japanese prioritise manners, sincerity, efficiency, productivity and expressive. But at the same time, from my perspective, I felt because of heavily prioritise manners and status, respect towards different status or position of people. I observed that some of them tend to judge or see people differently based on appearance, the clothes you wear etc. But they are also people who would care less what people say and wear with style like cosplay or different sense of fashion where you can find them in Harajuku other than just being the majority people there who wear suit and tie, or looking classy beautiful, fashionable.

I love how convenient of their train stations interlinked with different lines underground. So that, there is less demand on cars and more on public transport and walk a lot. Healthy but can be exhausting sometimes. They don't have much bench or chairs at the underground paths to maintain good traffic and not heavy crowd jam underground. Everyone is keep moving and spending time to the fullest, they mostly read books in train. No public rubbish bins to be found as their culture is to bring their rubbish back to home. And you will find how convenient and independent, great variety of options from food to clothes, clothes to health supplements.

I think that's all for now, I wish I can write more but its late night now. More things to prepare tomorrow. Wish me luck and good luck to you too.

Don't just follow blindly what society dos and don'ts, but just do what you think you should or shouldn't that is right and be true to yourself.

Lastly, I would like to share this to you all.



Good night.